its funny

how this all works out. i sorta hate edgewater highschool. but at the same time---the more i stay, the more i like it. and I find myself ashamed of wanting to go back to Bishop moore. I feel proud of the Eagles.

but i dont want this. I want to be back at Bishop Moore with Jessie, guard, Band, and the class of 2009 i grew up with.

then i screwed up again today and it seems like that chance of getting back to the hornet nest is out of reach. Was it ever even so close or did i just hang out to it out of hope? I want to go back--at least, i think i do.

But why?

I'll be putting myself through living with Krystal nearby but distanced completely. I'll be dealing with being on guard when mrs. laur and barker will be wathcing like a hawk. I'll be under Krystals leadership. I'll be subjected to classes i previously had a hard time passing. I'll be back with the rules i could never follow---the teachers i could never respect. why would any sane person want to go back there?

I think im imagining that when i go back---it'll be like it was. but it cant be. Not after all this anger and hatred i have for the ppl i used to call my friends. Not after she cant even by my friend on fucking facebook. Not after i lost my bishop moore junior prom, i lost savannah, im loosing graduation and the moving up ceremony. it cant be the same so why bother? i can start my own new life at edgewater, right?

I dont even know what to do. cause im envious of them at bishop moore. Those lucky pricks with their guard, band, and friends. with the teachers who actually care. the students they all know and love. Nobody there knows how lucky they are. and i dont need to be a par tof that but i want to be soo bad.

its not even about her, though sometimes it feels like it is, but when i catch myself remembering jigalo and hey casey and band camp--those are memories of other ppl too and i know its not about how i miss her. its about how much i fuckin miss everyone.

and im giving up SO much to try and get back but today it seems like its all for nothing. and im sick of feeling like this. its been almost two months. im still not over it. will i ever be? i mean, you dont find the friends like i had often. i had to wait four years to get krystal and jessie and lucy. i dont know if i can wait another four years without best friends...not after ive been subejcted to the coolest parts of friendship.

heres what set me off. im tryingout for edgewater outdoor guard tomorrow in preparation that i just might eb stuck for another year here. then i hear that lucy and krystal are going to. and it doesnt rlly bother me, but yeah it kinda does. because im at edgewater due to saving everyone else's ass. nobody seems to realize that. but like---edgewater is where i go. its the one place they CANT go and i get to escape from them. and now their invading it. like---come on! i dont go on to BM and fucking take over the things that help you forget about me so stay the fuck away from an audtion that you have absolutely NO REASON to be at. seriously.

im so done. and i dont know what im going to do. hornets or eagles?