The Break-up Song

I broke up with the Quarttett.

The Quarttett: Me, Sugarplum [K, Krystal] Lulu [Lucy, L, Lu], and JessiKem [J, Jess, Jessie]

the four of us are best friend...err....were.

I broke off with the quarttett for two reasons which i will explain fully.

Reason 1-

Last year i went through some serious stuff with my family. My school got involved which only made it worse for me. I ended up intertwining those problems with the ones at school. I thought it would be easier to include my best friend...but i thought it would be easier for me. When i pulled her into this mess...along with her family...i ended up loosing her as a friend. We still talk...but we're not friends anymore because of everything that i did to make it easier on myself without thinking about the people around me.

The same thing is happening this year. It's kind of serious stuff, but it's nothing i cant handle. Eventually, i know it will get better just like last time. And i want so much to pull the Quarttett into it and be able to talk to them, cry with them, and everything. but i dont want to because i dont want what happened between me n Klee to happen between me and them. So...the "breaking of the Quarttett" is much based on me not wanting to hurt them...salf sacrificing enough for ya? yea...

I'm also aware that they cannot handle my mood swings that this family issue brings me. I can go from 'fine and happy' to 'omfg kill me' to 'im going to kill you' to 'im so sad i want to die' to 'let's go get ice cream im in a great mood'....ya get it? I can barely handle myseld...i cant expect them to accomodate me and deal with the bullshit i will undoubtfully bestow upon the Quarttett. That's REASON A

Reason 2-
I am very co-dependent. Which scares me.
Open scenario: i call krystal on Saturday to see what she's up to...but she out with Lucy. i try not to let it bothr me but for some reason it absolutely KILLS me because i needed nothing more than to get out of my house form all this shit and see my friends...but they were busy with each other. i was invited, but didnt hear the phone ring once. Which tells me they didnt try hard enough as it is a known fact that u have to call multple times to get an anwer out of me or anyone who resides within this household.

So i end up feeling like shit all day because they had some quality K/L time. Thats not right. They should be bale to go hang out without me...and i shouldnt begrudge them that. but i couldnt help it.

Because i am "Unhealthily attatched" to my friends. What i mean, is that if im not getting almost constant attention from at least one of them...then i get moody, depressed, pissed, and sad all at the same time.
I hate feeling like this. So i am stopping it. THATS REASON B

my solution? I need to find myself. I need to depend on myself...work through the problems in my life...maybe do some homework...pass a test or something. I need to spend an evening doing my favorite things with not a care in the world...away from the computer...just by myself. Maybe paint my room or clean up the baclyard. it doesnt sound like fun...but i need room for my thoughts. I need to clear my head and rethink what my life is based on and what i want to do with my future due to my past. I can do this best by the Quarttett giving me space and Me going on my own a bit.

I still love them. A lot. probably too much. but im simply takin a break. understandable? You would think so. but its not.

I had the hardest time explaining this to them. Krystal was the hardest. Like...for the first time she was saying things that really affected me. Stupid shit like "I care" and "tell me whats wrong i wanna help you" "i'll always be there for you"

just simple stupid shit that made me cry. which bothers me, but i have sensitive tear glands. She got kinda pissed at me. But it was wearing off by lunchtime. We sat in the band room and had a nice conversation like usual about her and her boyfriend[ the one that me and Joe, Lucy's boyfriend, hate]

All in all, thanks in large part to Mikael [D'mitri], Jacob [Jay, Jaco, jake] and Lisa [Lice, lis, li, l] i made it until after school.

then it just hit me like...wow.

it was actually Lucy who made it happen. Lucy was really pissed when she left my house after i tried explaining to her. it did not go well at all. Then i thought she was accepting it.

Lucy [to k]: dont forget your money tomorrow!
mariah[to L]: for what?

then Mariah gets this look from Lucy...i get the look and then she practically blows me off in a cruel 'you asked for this' kind of way
before she says "T-Shirts"
whcih i opted out of when i was being pissed and moody

so that threw me into a handled depression that i was able to keep in check for the walk to ym house to get K's car.

then we got back to school in the hallway. Mikael and Jacbo werent there to comfort me...
and it was Max on the bass paying sad chords...and Jessie and Krystal right next to me. And i wanted to cry. so i got up and walked away. which im sure pissed of krystal cause she seemed in a bad mood.

and so i ask the ultimate question...


Why am i doing this?

Reason 1 and Reason 2

Lisa says: because ur trying to find yourself.

well why is this so fucking hard. why cant i simply be with my friend cause they care about me and i need the comfort? why is this so difficult...i have to make problems in the relationship because i feel self-pity. god.

as if u couldnt tell, im in a horrible mood. as added to the fact that she's online, im on away message and a million dollars says that we wont IM tonight. and for some reason that really makes me want to cry.