Faults.

I said i would do this. I already started and im sticking to it.

so why am i crying? When i broke up with the quarttett, i knew i would miss them. I knew that i would feel bad when they were off doing things with each other and i wasnt, but i imagined that i would have Mikael and jacob by my side. Maybe even Lisa or Kat.

Today just fucked that all up. And i dont think i've ever felt lower.
I texted with lisa and Lucy. I said i was fine. they dont know that i wont be there tomorrow either. I didnt feel it necessary to explain. It didnt even sound like they missed me. At all. texted Krystal too...because i dont understand the religion homework. No response. and mariah drops one notch lower.

So i call Bennett. I ask him to come over after his photogaphy meeting to come and see me because im feeling low and depressed. I say that he can bring other people...i say this because im hoping beyong hope that he'll make Lucy or Krystal or Jacob come with him...because i want to see them all. but he comes alone.

I call jacob to see if he wants to come hang out...but he's in a car with Lucy and Krystal. They're laughing and having a good time in the backround. Another notch down.

He asks them when he'll be back...i can hear a muffled response and then he tells me that they wont be back until later. Another notch lower.

So i hang up. Lucy and Krystal and Jacob were off having a good time and i was ready to kill myself. And what puts me in the worse funk of my entire life is that...if i hadnt brokwn up with the quarttett...then i would be with them.

So i almost suck it up..call them....explain things to them and apologize.

but i said i would do this and i need to stick with it.

This is one of those times i wish i could drive. I would simply drive me and Mikael to go get ice cream...or go get something. we could go to the mall and do something fun. I dunno...it just...i needed to hear my friends voices...and all i got was some noise in the backround. now i feel like shit.

I want to cheer myself up so bad...but my stepdad took my moms car and so the both of us are just stuck in this house. i dont have any money either. So theres nothing to do, im bored out of my mind and feeling an my all-time lowest. god. this plain old sucks.

now im getting irritated with myself.

Can i not last a week without them? am i that attatched? am i such a freakin baby that i cry when they're off together. but i feel as if Jacob was mine...and now he's theirs. and all thats left is me and Mikael. He didnt mean anything by it, but Jacob hurt me. And now, i know, there will be a wall. and i feel horrible, but i cant help it.

So now i will drink my arizona tea and cry. I'll hope that nasty salty tears do not mix with m drink. because then it would be just as sour as everything else in my life...and it would be entirely my fault.