ugh

i have such low tolerance nowadays.

like---every single tiny thing sets me off. the big stuff doesnt rlly bother me as much anymore. its the tiny little actions or mumbles or feelings or thoughts that fuckin get me in the worst fuckin mood. and i feel bad about it.

cause it doesnt bug me that krystal went out with mikael and chris. i couldnt care less. she can have other friends. i just---cant explain it. idk.

i mean, im not trying to be this hyper-sensitive to little irritating facts, but i dont want to talk to anyone cause everyone is setting me off.

and when i talk to ppl---it just sets me off more. and it doesnt help. and everything ends up being exactly the opposite of how i wanted it. and i cant. like---im telling krystal right now exactly what i just typed.

and she says.

"thats how i was last week but you wouldnt let me ignore you which made matters worse"

like...alright. thanks. i tried to take as "haha wow thanks buddy" but c'mon. is that supposed to make me feel better?

and she did ignore me. for an entire week. i tried tlaking to her but she'd ignore me. so i gave up after a bit. she killed me that week.

and then now she says things like "i know it hurt you when i did it, so i didnt think you would do it to me"

i wish i could just ignore evrybody. not just her. but fucking everyone. but i cant. especially not her. and i dont wanna fight. hence why this is said in a blog and not an IM.

everything affects me worse than everyone else. i dont understand why. nobody else has a problem when their best friends snaps at them on the phone...and they get over it easily. but with me...if krystal or lucy or jessie snap at me on the phone itll make me cry or ruin my entire day.

i just---i want soo bad to just be mariah again. i was so different before i had all of them. i love having them, but sometimes i just wish i could go back to being cool and unattatched, or my idea of it. when i didnt have ppl who i could be easily hurt by. it sucks when your guards down constantly.

arent we supposed to let people in? well i think i went to far. i've completely encasted a life around them. maybe its just these past few weeks where my brain is on the rocks and things are getting a little crazy and i depend on them to make everything bearable and when they cant--my balance is shifted and i emotionally freak out. and everything thats said to me--i take personally. or i take badly. or i easily turn into an attack.

i dont want to fight. espeially not with my best friend. cause i need her to much. and i cant stand that. she doesnt need me that bad. nobody does. i tried to take a break last september, but i did that so they would pull me back in. this time---i rlly dont want to be pulled back in. i just want to be left alone so i can go cry in my corner. while IMing k, i was like 5 seconds from saying "not in the mood. ttyl" but the other half of me was like..i actually want tot alk to her cause i enjoy talking to her. so it just sucks. is it possible to just take like an agreed nonhostile relationship break btwn me and my friends?

cause i dont want them babying me. but i dont wan thtme pissed at me. i just want like...neutrality. where they can say "bad mood?" and ill nod and theyll just continue on with their conversation. and if i get in a better mood, i can join in and laugh along with them. and if i dont then i can just walk awya and be to myself. can i do that? its probably possible for normal ppl...but i seriously doubt im capable to do that.

im just gonna talk to them. monday i guess. cause i guaruntee nobody will wanna hang out or do anything tomorrow. awesome.

ill just say that i dont wanna break...i just want leeway for my horrible mood swings that im having. like...stay away from me when i ask you to. and dont take it personally when i snap. and dont answer when im picking a fight. its a lot to ask for, actually. i prolly shouldnt do that.

but i dont want to just be in a bad mood...have someone (most likely krystal) say something, have me take it bad cuz im in a bad mood, then start a fight, and stop talking to each other. cause i want their company. just not when i cant stand the world. does that make sense?

that sounds horrible. i only want my friends when i need them. but its kinda true. i just---its so confusing. and im going through kinda a lot. and i dont wanna fuck them up more than i have. ill talk to them on monday. now im just gonna go lie in bed and sulk. dont fucking talk to me.bad mood warning.