I know it's passe, but I have a new blog.
http://theambiguousmeal.blogspot.com/
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
last year
Around this time last year, May 2007, my life was completely different.
I was dating David Jimenez. I had an amazing best friend who spent the last day of school running around with me havign a lightsabre fight. We were crushign on mr. geelan and torturing mrs. bonanno. We were just waiting for summer ya know?
we had plans like warped tour, harry potter, and band camp. life was almost simple. Krystal was crushing on Mario. Jessie birthday party on May 29 would feature Lucy and Joe as a couple.
Jessie was into Joshy-Woshy who debuted at her party as well.
I was planning to join band.
my mom had recenty come home from a three month absence.
all we wanted was parties--to drink n smoke weed. krystal had yet to ever do both at the same time.
We were a quarttett and we were SO fucking happy. we had matching birthday sweet 16 shirts. we seriously were invincible.
and in one single year---everything has turned around.
I'm with Paul--the most amazing boy in the world for me and ive never felt so strongly for a boy in my life. ive grown super attatched to him. krystal and i arent even civil--let alone friends or even a fraction of what we used to be. I got expelled. jessie had a serious relationship with a boy i thought she would marry--but theyve recently broken up. Lucy and Joe were apart for a couple months too but are back together. krystal dated Bob and broke his heart twice. Ive come to actually like Bob. Ive grown close to kelly and jacab--ppl i never wouldve imagined myself with.
The biggest change? the attitudes.
i dont even want the quarttett to get back together.
i dont even want krystal to be my best friend again.
shit, i dont even want to be around lucy or jessie.
i dont know if i want edgewater or bishop moore.
i dont know if i even wanna put myself through colorguard with them.
because they were the reason i joined.
i dont wanna leave Paul
or my new friends.
and i dont want to throw myself into a situation where im going to be miserable for my senior year. its absolutely an impossible decision. and i cant make it.
ill tell you one thing that making me want back bishop moore--- the schedule swap for orange county public school.
middle schools used ot start at 920 and get out at 350.
highschools used to start at 720 and be out at 211.
Nex year?
Middle schools go from 7 to 3
high schools go from 915 to 411.
its insane. and i rlly dont like this schedule flop. its retarted.
I rlly dont have too much of a reason to dislike it.
maybe im just usign it as an excuse for wanting to go back to BM so badly.
but heres the thing---i dont even know if ill be able to go back. supposedly theres a waiting list. my mom assures me that mrs. kane wont let me not come back in when she said she would. but idk.
i feel like im just going back where i started.
and i want to be part of Edgewaters senior year, but i SO badly wanna graduate with my friends at Bishop Moore.
but what friends?
this is why im in a dilemma.
i spent the day crying.
because its jessies birthday.
and last year jessies birthday was one of the best days ever, ut now its just a reminder that im not there and ill never get back these days im missing. but i would give them up would i? i like that i met paul and my friends. but idk. and i cant say anything with certainty anymore and its driving me out of my mind. idek.
I was dating David Jimenez. I had an amazing best friend who spent the last day of school running around with me havign a lightsabre fight. We were crushign on mr. geelan and torturing mrs. bonanno. We were just waiting for summer ya know?
we had plans like warped tour, harry potter, and band camp. life was almost simple. Krystal was crushing on Mario. Jessie birthday party on May 29 would feature Lucy and Joe as a couple.
Jessie was into Joshy-Woshy who debuted at her party as well.
I was planning to join band.
my mom had recenty come home from a three month absence.
all we wanted was parties--to drink n smoke weed. krystal had yet to ever do both at the same time.
We were a quarttett and we were SO fucking happy. we had matching birthday sweet 16 shirts. we seriously were invincible.
and in one single year---everything has turned around.
I'm with Paul--the most amazing boy in the world for me and ive never felt so strongly for a boy in my life. ive grown super attatched to him. krystal and i arent even civil--let alone friends or even a fraction of what we used to be. I got expelled. jessie had a serious relationship with a boy i thought she would marry--but theyve recently broken up. Lucy and Joe were apart for a couple months too but are back together. krystal dated Bob and broke his heart twice. Ive come to actually like Bob. Ive grown close to kelly and jacab--ppl i never wouldve imagined myself with.
The biggest change? the attitudes.
i dont even want the quarttett to get back together.
i dont even want krystal to be my best friend again.
shit, i dont even want to be around lucy or jessie.
i dont know if i want edgewater or bishop moore.
i dont know if i even wanna put myself through colorguard with them.
because they were the reason i joined.
i dont wanna leave Paul
or my new friends.
and i dont want to throw myself into a situation where im going to be miserable for my senior year. its absolutely an impossible decision. and i cant make it.
ill tell you one thing that making me want back bishop moore--- the schedule swap for orange county public school.
middle schools used ot start at 920 and get out at 350.
highschools used to start at 720 and be out at 211.
Nex year?
Middle schools go from 7 to 3
high schools go from 915 to 411.
its insane. and i rlly dont like this schedule flop. its retarted.
I rlly dont have too much of a reason to dislike it.
maybe im just usign it as an excuse for wanting to go back to BM so badly.
but heres the thing---i dont even know if ill be able to go back. supposedly theres a waiting list. my mom assures me that mrs. kane wont let me not come back in when she said she would. but idk.
i feel like im just going back where i started.
and i want to be part of Edgewaters senior year, but i SO badly wanna graduate with my friends at Bishop Moore.
but what friends?
this is why im in a dilemma.
i spent the day crying.
because its jessies birthday.
and last year jessies birthday was one of the best days ever, ut now its just a reminder that im not there and ill never get back these days im missing. but i would give them up would i? i like that i met paul and my friends. but idk. and i cant say anything with certainty anymore and its driving me out of my mind. idek.
Monday, May 5, 2008
its funny
how this all works out. i sorta hate edgewater highschool. but at the same time---the more i stay, the more i like it. and I find myself ashamed of wanting to go back to Bishop moore. I feel proud of the Eagles.
but i dont want this. I want to be back at Bishop Moore with Jessie, guard, Band, and the class of 2009 i grew up with.
then i screwed up again today and it seems like that chance of getting back to the hornet nest is out of reach. Was it ever even so close or did i just hang out to it out of hope? I want to go back--at least, i think i do.
But why?
I'll be putting myself through living with Krystal nearby but distanced completely. I'll be dealing with being on guard when mrs. laur and barker will be wathcing like a hawk. I'll be under Krystals leadership. I'll be subjected to classes i previously had a hard time passing. I'll be back with the rules i could never follow---the teachers i could never respect. why would any sane person want to go back there?
I think im imagining that when i go back---it'll be like it was. but it cant be. Not after all this anger and hatred i have for the ppl i used to call my friends. Not after she cant even by my friend on fucking facebook. Not after i lost my bishop moore junior prom, i lost savannah, im loosing graduation and the moving up ceremony. it cant be the same so why bother? i can start my own new life at edgewater, right?
I dont even know what to do. cause im envious of them at bishop moore. Those lucky pricks with their guard, band, and friends. with the teachers who actually care. the students they all know and love. Nobody there knows how lucky they are. and i dont need to be a par tof that but i want to be soo bad.
its not even about her, though sometimes it feels like it is, but when i catch myself remembering jigalo and hey casey and band camp--those are memories of other ppl too and i know its not about how i miss her. its about how much i fuckin miss everyone.
and im giving up SO much to try and get back but today it seems like its all for nothing. and im sick of feeling like this. its been almost two months. im still not over it. will i ever be? i mean, you dont find the friends like i had often. i had to wait four years to get krystal and jessie and lucy. i dont know if i can wait another four years without best friends...not after ive been subejcted to the coolest parts of friendship.
heres what set me off. im tryingout for edgewater outdoor guard tomorrow in preparation that i just might eb stuck for another year here. then i hear that lucy and krystal are going to. and it doesnt rlly bother me, but yeah it kinda does. because im at edgewater due to saving everyone else's ass. nobody seems to realize that. but like---edgewater is where i go. its the one place they CANT go and i get to escape from them. and now their invading it. like---come on! i dont go on to BM and fucking take over the things that help you forget about me so stay the fuck away from an audtion that you have absolutely NO REASON to be at. seriously.
im so done. and i dont know what im going to do. hornets or eagles?
but i dont want this. I want to be back at Bishop Moore with Jessie, guard, Band, and the class of 2009 i grew up with.
then i screwed up again today and it seems like that chance of getting back to the hornet nest is out of reach. Was it ever even so close or did i just hang out to it out of hope? I want to go back--at least, i think i do.
But why?
I'll be putting myself through living with Krystal nearby but distanced completely. I'll be dealing with being on guard when mrs. laur and barker will be wathcing like a hawk. I'll be under Krystals leadership. I'll be subjected to classes i previously had a hard time passing. I'll be back with the rules i could never follow---the teachers i could never respect. why would any sane person want to go back there?
I think im imagining that when i go back---it'll be like it was. but it cant be. Not after all this anger and hatred i have for the ppl i used to call my friends. Not after she cant even by my friend on fucking facebook. Not after i lost my bishop moore junior prom, i lost savannah, im loosing graduation and the moving up ceremony. it cant be the same so why bother? i can start my own new life at edgewater, right?
I dont even know what to do. cause im envious of them at bishop moore. Those lucky pricks with their guard, band, and friends. with the teachers who actually care. the students they all know and love. Nobody there knows how lucky they are. and i dont need to be a par tof that but i want to be soo bad.
its not even about her, though sometimes it feels like it is, but when i catch myself remembering jigalo and hey casey and band camp--those are memories of other ppl too and i know its not about how i miss her. its about how much i fuckin miss everyone.
and im giving up SO much to try and get back but today it seems like its all for nothing. and im sick of feeling like this. its been almost two months. im still not over it. will i ever be? i mean, you dont find the friends like i had often. i had to wait four years to get krystal and jessie and lucy. i dont know if i can wait another four years without best friends...not after ive been subejcted to the coolest parts of friendship.
heres what set me off. im tryingout for edgewater outdoor guard tomorrow in preparation that i just might eb stuck for another year here. then i hear that lucy and krystal are going to. and it doesnt rlly bother me, but yeah it kinda does. because im at edgewater due to saving everyone else's ass. nobody seems to realize that. but like---edgewater is where i go. its the one place they CANT go and i get to escape from them. and now their invading it. like---come on! i dont go on to BM and fucking take over the things that help you forget about me so stay the fuck away from an audtion that you have absolutely NO REASON to be at. seriously.
im so done. and i dont know what im going to do. hornets or eagles?
Friday, April 18, 2008
There's a good reason
for absolutely everything. What that reason is---im not entirely sure but i am betting my life that i did something wrong in a past life to deserve such an existence. reading through my past blogs ive seen how many times i wrote "i need her too much. im scared krystals gonna leave me"
well she left me. it been over a month since she stopped talking to me. Uhm...we've had like normal little agreeable conversations two or three times. then i went and ruined it by bringing up the past...er...whoops. lol.
I'm living without her. and its not as bad as it was. Before--when she left me--i called kelly constantly crying, whining, bitching and wondering why she left me, wondering how im supposed to on, and if we could ever be friends again. Kelly was there. i called Jessie too. she usually helped. if i called Lucy...she usually just said "im here for you." and thats it. not that it wasnt nice---but during that hell i needed ppl to tell me that krystal was making the biggest mistake of her life.
So i started at Edgewater not to long ago. because, yes, i got expelled from Bishop Moore. Its actually kinda funny now...cause ive been to all four schools in this area (St. Charles, Lee Middle, Bishop Moore, Edgewater) im hoping to get back to BM next year and the principle is being very understanding and she worked with my mom on a few things. I think she rlly cares about me, which is nice to have a teacher on your side.
Things will probably never get better with Krystal. All i can hope for is civil if i go back to BM next year and go back to colorguard, where she'll be captain. I would hope she could handle it if i could. But she'll never come to me. Thats just not her. and I'm done going to her. Cause im honestly happy now =]
I have a boyfriend. His name is Paul. Hes cute, funny, and he likes me back which is always nice in a relationship. We sorta compliment each other, i think. And theres no pressure to go further and what-not. cause ive totally outgrown that. it'll be awhile before mariah chooses to advance.
I'm doing well in all four of my classes at Edgewater, and my two classes at Independent Educations.
First period: English Honors Mr. Olson
Second Period: Chemistry Mrs. Walker (and Jeremiah!)
Third period: History Honors Mr. James and PAUL
lunch with paul, jacob, justin, and that random rich kid lol
Fourth period: Geometry Mr. Cone. hes an open prick. ive told him that.
Then i go to IE for an hour of Sociology and an hour of Religious Cultures. pretty Easy shit, i must say. and i have like Straight As for the first time in my life. =]
Colorguard season is over. we finished seventh. not to bad, i think. everyone seems to be pissed but come on...its not eighth. or ninth. so im happy about it =D
i got accepted into Columbia College's High School Summer Institute in Chicago where im taking [Fiction Writing],[Pop Culture and Criticism], and [Marketting Goes to the Movies]. An entire month [june 25-august 3] in Chicago without my parents. I have classes four days a week. then i get to do whatever the fuck i want.
im even planning on hitting up warped tour on August 2 at Tinley Park with my cousin, Bailey. Then i come back and August 4th is Bishop moore's second week of band camp if i go back.
err...my worry about that---is that everyone will think im not dedicated cause im showing up late, but i am! this is the oppurtunity of a lifetime! So we'll see. Shit, i might not even be allowed back in band for all i know. which would suck and i wouldnt go back.
uhm...job is good. dads good---kinda pissed but its expected. His kid who he pays a lot for to go to catholic school just got kicked out again. and his daughter is getting married may 31. a wedding in which i must be present. the last day of school is on my birthday. and im nto going because its 5th and 6th exams...i dont have a 5th and 6th period. grooovy.
lots of stuff has happened at home sinc ei got expelled. but thats all lame. everything is pretty sweet usually.
im going to prom with paul =] and i found a nice dress. i just have to buy it. its a size smaller than ususal. so mariah is on a ceaser salad/jump around to music/pushup/jogging diet. lol.
im going to the panic at the disco concert april 25. i just have to buy ym ticket lol. and lindseys, and pauls, and jacobs, and michaels, and possibly jeremiahs. haha
i still hang out with Lindsey Shola. Who has so much going on, its insane. so...thats just life =]
be back soon. dance time!!!!
touchdown turnaround!
well she left me. it been over a month since she stopped talking to me. Uhm...we've had like normal little agreeable conversations two or three times. then i went and ruined it by bringing up the past...er...whoops. lol.
I'm living without her. and its not as bad as it was. Before--when she left me--i called kelly constantly crying, whining, bitching and wondering why she left me, wondering how im supposed to on, and if we could ever be friends again. Kelly was there. i called Jessie too. she usually helped. if i called Lucy...she usually just said "im here for you." and thats it. not that it wasnt nice---but during that hell i needed ppl to tell me that krystal was making the biggest mistake of her life.
So i started at Edgewater not to long ago. because, yes, i got expelled from Bishop Moore. Its actually kinda funny now...cause ive been to all four schools in this area (St. Charles, Lee Middle, Bishop Moore, Edgewater) im hoping to get back to BM next year and the principle is being very understanding and she worked with my mom on a few things. I think she rlly cares about me, which is nice to have a teacher on your side.
Things will probably never get better with Krystal. All i can hope for is civil if i go back to BM next year and go back to colorguard, where she'll be captain. I would hope she could handle it if i could. But she'll never come to me. Thats just not her. and I'm done going to her. Cause im honestly happy now =]
I have a boyfriend. His name is Paul. Hes cute, funny, and he likes me back which is always nice in a relationship. We sorta compliment each other, i think. And theres no pressure to go further and what-not. cause ive totally outgrown that. it'll be awhile before mariah chooses to advance.
I'm doing well in all four of my classes at Edgewater, and my two classes at Independent Educations.
First period: English Honors Mr. Olson
Second Period: Chemistry Mrs. Walker (and Jeremiah!)
Third period: History Honors Mr. James and PAUL
lunch with paul, jacob, justin, and that random rich kid lol
Fourth period: Geometry Mr. Cone. hes an open prick. ive told him that.
Then i go to IE for an hour of Sociology and an hour of Religious Cultures. pretty Easy shit, i must say. and i have like Straight As for the first time in my life. =]
Colorguard season is over. we finished seventh. not to bad, i think. everyone seems to be pissed but come on...its not eighth. or ninth. so im happy about it =D
i got accepted into Columbia College's High School Summer Institute in Chicago where im taking [Fiction Writing],[Pop Culture and Criticism], and [Marketting Goes to the Movies]. An entire month [june 25-august 3] in Chicago without my parents. I have classes four days a week. then i get to do whatever the fuck i want.
im even planning on hitting up warped tour on August 2 at Tinley Park with my cousin, Bailey. Then i come back and August 4th is Bishop moore's second week of band camp if i go back.
err...my worry about that---is that everyone will think im not dedicated cause im showing up late, but i am! this is the oppurtunity of a lifetime! So we'll see. Shit, i might not even be allowed back in band for all i know. which would suck and i wouldnt go back.
uhm...job is good. dads good---kinda pissed but its expected. His kid who he pays a lot for to go to catholic school just got kicked out again. and his daughter is getting married may 31. a wedding in which i must be present. the last day of school is on my birthday. and im nto going because its 5th and 6th exams...i dont have a 5th and 6th period. grooovy.
lots of stuff has happened at home sinc ei got expelled. but thats all lame. everything is pretty sweet usually.
im going to prom with paul =] and i found a nice dress. i just have to buy it. its a size smaller than ususal. so mariah is on a ceaser salad/jump around to music/pushup/jogging diet. lol.
im going to the panic at the disco concert april 25. i just have to buy ym ticket lol. and lindseys, and pauls, and jacobs, and michaels, and possibly jeremiahs. haha
i still hang out with Lindsey Shola. Who has so much going on, its insane. so...thats just life =]
be back soon. dance time!!!!
touchdown turnaround!
Friday, March 7, 2008
Dont Bother
I wont die of deception
promise you wont ever see my cry
dont feel sorry
dont bother
i'll be fine
This past week has been miserable. and the ending is simply the best way to drop the curtain on the worst play in the world. I think I'm going to be expelled from Bishop Moore. im still comprehending that. I most likely will not be going on Savannah, and that will absolutely kill me even more than suspension. I dont have my best friend anymore. she doesnt wanna be friends. I'm still letting that sink in, too. My mom says she and nick are getting back together; at least i wont be moving.
but this week has been horrible. I'm worried about leaving BM, of course. but for some fuckin reason---im more concerned about Krystal. Because if i get expelled, then i would go to edgewater. And i would need Lucy, Krystal and Jessie to keep me alive or i seriously think i would kill myself. And i cant fathom a life without Krystal. I can hardly remember before we got so close.
But im making an effort. Because shes the one who said that it was over. so i have to stop myself every second of the day from messaging her, commenting her, calling her, or finding some way tot alk to her. I took her off my myspace. blocked her on AIM. took her off my facebook. When she's ready to talk...if she ever can swallow her pride and come to me...then it'll go back to how it was. but i cant do it. i cant have her tell me that our friendship just isnt working out...and then see her everywhere online and in real life. its a rlly depresing thing. so i took her off my updates, as well.
Its going to be difficult because we have guard together. and i will be absolutely miserable, but she'll be same-old krystal...not letting me in. and not letting it bother her.
and im sick of trying to make her see how much she needs me. because a best friend would not do this right now.
Its just like Kelci. When i was at SCS, i got suspended for five days while the school talked about expelling me or letting me back in. While suspended, i didnt get one phone call. not from anyone but Bianca, who barely knew me,but called to see how i was. Imagine, i was getting expelled from SCS and my best friend didnt even call to ask what happened.
Thats exactly what's happened again. Everyone asked, everyone cared, everyone called, except for Krystal. Lucy and Jessie even came over to comfort me. But Krystal didnt do ti because she doesnt care. and i cant be around that. not when i need someone who cares. so if she's rlly done, then i'll let her go. i dont want to, but maybe its best. i just hope she comes back. because i rlly rlyl need her. especially if friday was my last day at Bishop Moore.
promise you wont ever see my cry
dont feel sorry
dont bother
i'll be fine
This past week has been miserable. and the ending is simply the best way to drop the curtain on the worst play in the world. I think I'm going to be expelled from Bishop Moore. im still comprehending that. I most likely will not be going on Savannah, and that will absolutely kill me even more than suspension. I dont have my best friend anymore. she doesnt wanna be friends. I'm still letting that sink in, too. My mom says she and nick are getting back together; at least i wont be moving.
but this week has been horrible. I'm worried about leaving BM, of course. but for some fuckin reason---im more concerned about Krystal. Because if i get expelled, then i would go to edgewater. And i would need Lucy, Krystal and Jessie to keep me alive or i seriously think i would kill myself. And i cant fathom a life without Krystal. I can hardly remember before we got so close.
But im making an effort. Because shes the one who said that it was over. so i have to stop myself every second of the day from messaging her, commenting her, calling her, or finding some way tot alk to her. I took her off my myspace. blocked her on AIM. took her off my facebook. When she's ready to talk...if she ever can swallow her pride and come to me...then it'll go back to how it was. but i cant do it. i cant have her tell me that our friendship just isnt working out...and then see her everywhere online and in real life. its a rlly depresing thing. so i took her off my updates, as well.
Its going to be difficult because we have guard together. and i will be absolutely miserable, but she'll be same-old krystal...not letting me in. and not letting it bother her.
and im sick of trying to make her see how much she needs me. because a best friend would not do this right now.
Its just like Kelci. When i was at SCS, i got suspended for five days while the school talked about expelling me or letting me back in. While suspended, i didnt get one phone call. not from anyone but Bianca, who barely knew me,but called to see how i was. Imagine, i was getting expelled from SCS and my best friend didnt even call to ask what happened.
Thats exactly what's happened again. Everyone asked, everyone cared, everyone called, except for Krystal. Lucy and Jessie even came over to comfort me. But Krystal didnt do ti because she doesnt care. and i cant be around that. not when i need someone who cares. so if she's rlly done, then i'll let her go. i dont want to, but maybe its best. i just hope she comes back. because i rlly rlyl need her. especially if friday was my last day at Bishop Moore.
Monday, March 3, 2008
everything
i say, doesnt do any good anymore.
not even just with joe. cause im talking more about krystal.
like, everything has one of us in a bad mood.
or i say something, and she replies with something that hurts my feelings.
something simple like "I dont care" or "stop being so annoying"
i wish it wasnt like this. maybe its me making a big deal, but i dont think so. cause sometimes i think shes just gonna stop being friends cause its not so enjoyable anymore. idk. i look forward to every second with her, but shes not affected at all, which bothers me.
i need other friends.
not even just with joe. cause im talking more about krystal.
like, everything has one of us in a bad mood.
or i say something, and she replies with something that hurts my feelings.
something simple like "I dont care" or "stop being so annoying"
i wish it wasnt like this. maybe its me making a big deal, but i dont think so. cause sometimes i think shes just gonna stop being friends cause its not so enjoyable anymore. idk. i look forward to every second with her, but shes not affected at all, which bothers me.
i need other friends.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
ugh
i have such low tolerance nowadays.
like---every single tiny thing sets me off. the big stuff doesnt rlly bother me as much anymore. its the tiny little actions or mumbles or feelings or thoughts that fuckin get me in the worst fuckin mood. and i feel bad about it.
cause it doesnt bug me that krystal went out with mikael and chris. i couldnt care less. she can have other friends. i just---cant explain it. idk.
i mean, im not trying to be this hyper-sensitive to little irritating facts, but i dont want to talk to anyone cause everyone is setting me off.
and when i talk to ppl---it just sets me off more. and it doesnt help. and everything ends up being exactly the opposite of how i wanted it. and i cant. like---im telling krystal right now exactly what i just typed.
and she says.
"thats how i was last week but you wouldnt let me ignore you which made matters worse"
like...alright. thanks. i tried to take as "haha wow thanks buddy" but c'mon. is that supposed to make me feel better?
and she did ignore me. for an entire week. i tried tlaking to her but she'd ignore me. so i gave up after a bit. she killed me that week.
and then now she says things like "i know it hurt you when i did it, so i didnt think you would do it to me"
i wish i could just ignore evrybody. not just her. but fucking everyone. but i cant. especially not her. and i dont wanna fight. hence why this is said in a blog and not an IM.
everything affects me worse than everyone else. i dont understand why. nobody else has a problem when their best friends snaps at them on the phone...and they get over it easily. but with me...if krystal or lucy or jessie snap at me on the phone itll make me cry or ruin my entire day.
i just---i want soo bad to just be mariah again. i was so different before i had all of them. i love having them, but sometimes i just wish i could go back to being cool and unattatched, or my idea of it. when i didnt have ppl who i could be easily hurt by. it sucks when your guards down constantly.
arent we supposed to let people in? well i think i went to far. i've completely encasted a life around them. maybe its just these past few weeks where my brain is on the rocks and things are getting a little crazy and i depend on them to make everything bearable and when they cant--my balance is shifted and i emotionally freak out. and everything thats said to me--i take personally. or i take badly. or i easily turn into an attack.
i dont want to fight. espeially not with my best friend. cause i need her to much. and i cant stand that. she doesnt need me that bad. nobody does. i tried to take a break last september, but i did that so they would pull me back in. this time---i rlly dont want to be pulled back in. i just want to be left alone so i can go cry in my corner. while IMing k, i was like 5 seconds from saying "not in the mood. ttyl" but the other half of me was like..i actually want tot alk to her cause i enjoy talking to her. so it just sucks. is it possible to just take like an agreed nonhostile relationship break btwn me and my friends?
cause i dont want them babying me. but i dont wan thtme pissed at me. i just want like...neutrality. where they can say "bad mood?" and ill nod and theyll just continue on with their conversation. and if i get in a better mood, i can join in and laugh along with them. and if i dont then i can just walk awya and be to myself. can i do that? its probably possible for normal ppl...but i seriously doubt im capable to do that.
im just gonna talk to them. monday i guess. cause i guaruntee nobody will wanna hang out or do anything tomorrow. awesome.
ill just say that i dont wanna break...i just want leeway for my horrible mood swings that im having. like...stay away from me when i ask you to. and dont take it personally when i snap. and dont answer when im picking a fight. its a lot to ask for, actually. i prolly shouldnt do that.
but i dont want to just be in a bad mood...have someone (most likely krystal) say something, have me take it bad cuz im in a bad mood, then start a fight, and stop talking to each other. cause i want their company. just not when i cant stand the world. does that make sense?
that sounds horrible. i only want my friends when i need them. but its kinda true. i just---its so confusing. and im going through kinda a lot. and i dont wanna fuck them up more than i have. ill talk to them on monday. now im just gonna go lie in bed and sulk. dont fucking talk to me.bad mood warning.
like---every single tiny thing sets me off. the big stuff doesnt rlly bother me as much anymore. its the tiny little actions or mumbles or feelings or thoughts that fuckin get me in the worst fuckin mood. and i feel bad about it.
cause it doesnt bug me that krystal went out with mikael and chris. i couldnt care less. she can have other friends. i just---cant explain it. idk.
i mean, im not trying to be this hyper-sensitive to little irritating facts, but i dont want to talk to anyone cause everyone is setting me off.
and when i talk to ppl---it just sets me off more. and it doesnt help. and everything ends up being exactly the opposite of how i wanted it. and i cant. like---im telling krystal right now exactly what i just typed.
and she says.
"thats how i was last week but you wouldnt let me ignore you which made matters worse"
like...alright. thanks. i tried to take as "haha wow thanks buddy" but c'mon. is that supposed to make me feel better?
and she did ignore me. for an entire week. i tried tlaking to her but she'd ignore me. so i gave up after a bit. she killed me that week.
and then now she says things like "i know it hurt you when i did it, so i didnt think you would do it to me"
i wish i could just ignore evrybody. not just her. but fucking everyone. but i cant. especially not her. and i dont wanna fight. hence why this is said in a blog and not an IM.
everything affects me worse than everyone else. i dont understand why. nobody else has a problem when their best friends snaps at them on the phone...and they get over it easily. but with me...if krystal or lucy or jessie snap at me on the phone itll make me cry or ruin my entire day.
i just---i want soo bad to just be mariah again. i was so different before i had all of them. i love having them, but sometimes i just wish i could go back to being cool and unattatched, or my idea of it. when i didnt have ppl who i could be easily hurt by. it sucks when your guards down constantly.
arent we supposed to let people in? well i think i went to far. i've completely encasted a life around them. maybe its just these past few weeks where my brain is on the rocks and things are getting a little crazy and i depend on them to make everything bearable and when they cant--my balance is shifted and i emotionally freak out. and everything thats said to me--i take personally. or i take badly. or i easily turn into an attack.
i dont want to fight. espeially not with my best friend. cause i need her to much. and i cant stand that. she doesnt need me that bad. nobody does. i tried to take a break last september, but i did that so they would pull me back in. this time---i rlly dont want to be pulled back in. i just want to be left alone so i can go cry in my corner. while IMing k, i was like 5 seconds from saying "not in the mood. ttyl" but the other half of me was like..i actually want tot alk to her cause i enjoy talking to her. so it just sucks. is it possible to just take like an agreed nonhostile relationship break btwn me and my friends?
cause i dont want them babying me. but i dont wan thtme pissed at me. i just want like...neutrality. where they can say "bad mood?" and ill nod and theyll just continue on with their conversation. and if i get in a better mood, i can join in and laugh along with them. and if i dont then i can just walk awya and be to myself. can i do that? its probably possible for normal ppl...but i seriously doubt im capable to do that.
im just gonna talk to them. monday i guess. cause i guaruntee nobody will wanna hang out or do anything tomorrow. awesome.
ill just say that i dont wanna break...i just want leeway for my horrible mood swings that im having. like...stay away from me when i ask you to. and dont take it personally when i snap. and dont answer when im picking a fight. its a lot to ask for, actually. i prolly shouldnt do that.
but i dont want to just be in a bad mood...have someone (most likely krystal) say something, have me take it bad cuz im in a bad mood, then start a fight, and stop talking to each other. cause i want their company. just not when i cant stand the world. does that make sense?
that sounds horrible. i only want my friends when i need them. but its kinda true. i just---its so confusing. and im going through kinda a lot. and i dont wanna fuck them up more than i have. ill talk to them on monday. now im just gonna go lie in bed and sulk. dont fucking talk to me.bad mood warning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)