Home Home on the Range...

where the dogs and mariah will play...

with bacon and eggs
to make us puke kegs...

and we sleep and cry in bed all day....ooo!

home home on the range....

yeah. thats been my day so far. this sucks.
im not at school...
and im not contacting any of my friends....because it's not their problem [once again]

i have that appointment tomorrow morning. so I'll be late to school...(again!). God its turning into last year. i cant stand it.

And none of my friends have even texted.
nobody has called
or seen whats up.
wow. i sure feel loved.
this is great...
just me, mom, n nick.
fun fun double fun.
thank you god for making this happen.

...no wonder im not a fuckin catholic.

maybe there is a god, wtf do i know.

I've spent almost four years being an athiest. I've enjoyed it. It makes sense to me. I have a good reason to have lost my faith. but during those four yars, it has been instilled in me to say things like "I hope to god..."
"please god..." and stuff like that. I dunno if it's the catholic Indoctrination or my subconscience trying to guide me...but recently i am willing to admit that there could quite possibly be a god. However, it does not mean it is the catholic god they preach about.

Mariah's Views on God and Religion:
-a priest is no holier than someone in the congregation.
-a priest is not a window to god
-if u want to talk to god, pray
-dont pray out loud...because it's between u and god
-dont try to convert people. if they want to see it your way then your god will help them along the path
-god doesnt care if u go to church
-god only cares if u are a true believer. if u believe in your very heart and soul that he is real and that u love him and u put faith in him...then you will be welcomed into heaven
-the bible is all made up. Scenario: an old potsmoker was fortunate enough to come across a Scribe's mansion in the desert after days from escaping prison for theift. He breaks into the home while they are sleeping and steals the papyrus and ink. He finds himself clever. He knows how to write, considering he was quite noble and wealthy before the drugs and evil way of life consumed him. He begins to tell of a story to save his soul...he believed that someone will save him one day. He rights the story of the old Testament, will notes and family lineage. All of the stories are based on the ones he himself have witnessed first hand or have imagined through his creative insentive. He finishes the Old Testament in seven years and then moves on to the New Testament. here, he plans to fulfill those promises his main charatcer made for a new messiah. He writes about a messiah because he knows that in his real life, he could use one. The New testament finishes and his book is complete. A few weeks after completion, he is captured and his belongings are seized. They are then auctioned off to the people. When the crowd gets ahold of these stories and talltales, they begint o preach and worship them like real thing. The Author, our common theif, gets a huge thrill out of this. Little would he know that billions and billions of year later we would be preaching and basing almost every aspect of out lives off of that stupid book full of stories fromt he musings of an old crackpot. the end. Whether thats truly what happened or not...you get the point.
-Humans have no authority to convert, excommunicate, lay down theological laws, or any of that.
-the ten commandments? maybe they are real...we would know considering someone locked them up in the arc of the covenant and now we cant find them. If we find them...i shall change my mind and renig everything i've said. because that would be a sure sign of a god or jesus.
-We know nothing of history. So for all we know, all the info we have is wrong.
-and finally...i make my own desicions. the belief that god is making my desicions or that he gave me free will is enough to piss me off. I will make my own way without the help of a 'god' or any other wannabe installed higher power. got it?

powerful views for a little kid, huh? thats what i would like to think. heres the catch: just because im borderline agnostic and still slightly athiest, does nto mean these views change. i feel too strongly for that.

but here is the simple reason why i think god exists. call me stupid or whatever, but it's what made me start to think.
I had to go make up a religion test [coincidence]. i was completely failing this class with a 7%...which is the second worse grade I've ever gotten [i onmce had a -2% in spanish]

but i walk into the room after school to take my test...i had plans to go see my friends, but he was ebing nice and instead of giving me a zero for missing my original test date, i was told to come after school. but im in a hurry. so i walk in and i say "just give me the test...i dont need the review...just the test im in a hurry"

so i start the test...and then he starts the review...AT THE SAME TIME! so he's got the test in his hands...asking the questions...getting the answers from the class...and then going over and giving the correct answers. OH MY GOD. needless to say i got a high grade. and for some reason...just the coincidence of it all...made me think "damn. someone had my back"

stupid, and it doesnt mean im a god-fearing jesus freak, but maybe there is something that has this habit of ruining ym life and then saving my ass.

anways, this staying at home shit is enough to kill someone. i should be at school. i'm getting into an argument with Asshole over cellphones at school. this is riddiculous. i wanna fuckin leave this damn house and go to fuckin school!

The Break-up Song

I broke up with the Quarttett.

The Quarttett: Me, Sugarplum [K, Krystal] Lulu [Lucy, L, Lu], and JessiKem [J, Jess, Jessie]

the four of us are best friend...err....were.

I broke off with the quarttett for two reasons which i will explain fully.

Reason 1-

Last year i went through some serious stuff with my family. My school got involved which only made it worse for me. I ended up intertwining those problems with the ones at school. I thought it would be easier to include my best friend...but i thought it would be easier for me. When i pulled her into this mess...along with her family...i ended up loosing her as a friend. We still talk...but we're not friends anymore because of everything that i did to make it easier on myself without thinking about the people around me.

The same thing is happening this year. It's kind of serious stuff, but it's nothing i cant handle. Eventually, i know it will get better just like last time. And i want so much to pull the Quarttett into it and be able to talk to them, cry with them, and everything. but i dont want to because i dont want what happened between me n Klee to happen between me and them. So...the "breaking of the Quarttett" is much based on me not wanting to hurt them...salf sacrificing enough for ya? yea...

I'm also aware that they cannot handle my mood swings that this family issue brings me. I can go from 'fine and happy' to 'omfg kill me' to 'im going to kill you' to 'im so sad i want to die' to 'let's go get ice cream im in a great mood'....ya get it? I can barely handle myseld...i cant expect them to accomodate me and deal with the bullshit i will undoubtfully bestow upon the Quarttett. That's REASON A

Reason 2-
I am very co-dependent. Which scares me.
Open scenario: i call krystal on Saturday to see what she's up to...but she out with Lucy. i try not to let it bothr me but for some reason it absolutely KILLS me because i needed nothing more than to get out of my house form all this shit and see my friends...but they were busy with each other. i was invited, but didnt hear the phone ring once. Which tells me they didnt try hard enough as it is a known fact that u have to call multple times to get an anwer out of me or anyone who resides within this household.

So i end up feeling like shit all day because they had some quality K/L time. Thats not right. They should be bale to go hang out without me...and i shouldnt begrudge them that. but i couldnt help it.

Because i am "Unhealthily attatched" to my friends. What i mean, is that if im not getting almost constant attention from at least one of them...then i get moody, depressed, pissed, and sad all at the same time.
I hate feeling like this. So i am stopping it. THATS REASON B

my solution? I need to find myself. I need to depend on myself...work through the problems in my life...maybe do some homework...pass a test or something. I need to spend an evening doing my favorite things with not a care in the world...away from the computer...just by myself. Maybe paint my room or clean up the baclyard. it doesnt sound like fun...but i need room for my thoughts. I need to clear my head and rethink what my life is based on and what i want to do with my future due to my past. I can do this best by the Quarttett giving me space and Me going on my own a bit.

I still love them. A lot. probably too much. but im simply takin a break. understandable? You would think so. but its not.

I had the hardest time explaining this to them. Krystal was the hardest. Like...for the first time she was saying things that really affected me. Stupid shit like "I care" and "tell me whats wrong i wanna help you" "i'll always be there for you"

just simple stupid shit that made me cry. which bothers me, but i have sensitive tear glands. She got kinda pissed at me. But it was wearing off by lunchtime. We sat in the band room and had a nice conversation like usual about her and her boyfriend[ the one that me and Joe, Lucy's boyfriend, hate]

All in all, thanks in large part to Mikael [D'mitri], Jacob [Jay, Jaco, jake] and Lisa [Lice, lis, li, l] i made it until after school.

then it just hit me like...wow.

it was actually Lucy who made it happen. Lucy was really pissed when she left my house after i tried explaining to her. it did not go well at all. Then i thought she was accepting it.

Lucy [to k]: dont forget your money tomorrow!
mariah[to L]: for what?

then Mariah gets this look from Lucy...i get the look and then she practically blows me off in a cruel 'you asked for this' kind of way
before she says "T-Shirts"
whcih i opted out of when i was being pissed and moody

so that threw me into a handled depression that i was able to keep in check for the walk to ym house to get K's car.

then we got back to school in the hallway. Mikael and Jacbo werent there to comfort me...
and it was Max on the bass paying sad chords...and Jessie and Krystal right next to me. And i wanted to cry. so i got up and walked away. which im sure pissed of krystal cause she seemed in a bad mood.

and so i ask the ultimate question...


Why am i doing this?

Reason 1 and Reason 2

Lisa says: because ur trying to find yourself.

well why is this so fucking hard. why cant i simply be with my friend cause they care about me and i need the comfort? why is this so difficult...i have to make problems in the relationship because i feel self-pity. god.

as if u couldnt tell, im in a horrible mood. as added to the fact that she's online, im on away message and a million dollars says that we wont IM tonight. and for some reason that really makes me want to cry.

The Worst Day Ever

it starts with the game on friday.

i last blogged on thursday, right? So, friday was the football game.

no coach, no mariana. just us. AND WE DID AMAZING! had fun dancing, practicing, doin the show...everything. we looked good had a new hairstyle...everything.

but...Sugarplum and her boyfriend sat up front, as per the rule. Lu and Joe did, too. kat and Aidan....lots of ppl sat upfront without me...i sat back with Lisa who was flirting with Steve the entire time. Jessie was flirting with max and Danielle was throwing herself at kevin....therefor i had NOBODY to talk to. it was a sad ride there. which mde me kinda pissed when it got there.

but i eventually got over it. there were a few times when i would try to talk to Sugarplum but she wouldnt even hear me cause of asshole pinprick bob. i hate him for that. cause i hate not getting attention from my bestest friend.
but...it was still fun.

i had invited sugarplum to spend the night after the football game, but she couldnt since she couldnt get a ride. so i called Lu and asked if she wanted to give sugarplum a ride, i wouldpay for gas, and we could all go hang out or something. she said she didnt feel like driving to kissimmee and i apologized for trying to make her into my own personal chauffer.

So saturday [taday], i call sugrplum to see wuddup...but she is with Lu at the mall. Lu went and piked her up. they went to the mall together.

appearently they called, but i didnt hear the phone. ordinarily, you would call again, right? but they only called once.

so i end up feeling like shit the rest of the day.


I break up with my boyfriend. that was fun. we're still hanging out tomorrow
but i told him how i kissed another boy and he was hurt. we're not togethe,r but we're still friends. we've both had a bad week.

so im still upet at my friends for doing this, and thank god i have D'mitri around to talk to or i would be done.


I have discovered god.

he comes in a coffe cup filled with iced cappuccino mix made with powder and fat free skim milk. yum. and that juice of the lord is the reason i am able to talk to you all and am still awake.

and some hot music, sexy shaving, stuff like that. needless to say, im in a better mood and i feel dumb about the whole thing. tomorrow seems brighter. im waiting for a great day =]

Did i mention that my time-management sucks?

so of course i was grounded. that was end of August-ish.

lots has happened since then. i shall fill you in. THe first football game ended with a BANG. we did first song and a little bit of the beginning of second, in which i screwed up on. I tried to give D'mitri a hug, but band isnt allowed affection while in uniform. That was first game.

Then second week life progressed. Nothing too important happened. I've been in a distressed depressed mood lately, due to not having a party hard junior year as i was expecting and random other things that just piss me off.

bands practices, classes, fights with mom, loosing my phone, full tights, putt putt golf, and NOT seeing my boyfriend in a LONG time...not to mention cheating on him ensued. It's been a hectic few weeks.

And then we get to second game of the year; last friday.

ick yuck bleh.

we did first song okay and were supposed to know second song and drill. we did fine until the categorized "salmon" part where we look like we're swimming upstream with our flags. then we all kinda...stopped. we looked around, could not for the life of us get back in. it was one of those "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING! OMG!"

hilarious, but disappointing. that will never happen again.

So now, we reach Thursday of the fourth week of school. We're well into September and past the eleventh of pain.

The quarttett [me, sugarplum, L and J] have grown apart. we hardly see each other, never hang out, and dont even think about each other that much. so tomorrow before the ga,e we're having a picnic infront of our school with no one else invited so there!

we now have first song complete, second song complete and third song begun. i hate it cause it has dance which i cant stand.

anyways, my current problem?

I ONLY HAVE ONE GAME FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW AND I CANT ET AHOLD OF MARIANA SO SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HRS SINCE SHE WONT BE AT THE SHOW TONIGHT! GOD DAMN!

nothing i can do. im so fucked.

at least Dom wont be there...and neither will Mariana. just me, Lice, L and Sugarplum.

i will get back to you soon, but i havnt been sleeping well and frankly, im pooped.

night!

Whoopsie

Last Post: August 13th


cant really post. im grounded. sorry. will get online asap!!!

The Aftershock

currently my boyfriend is hopped up on energy drinks and bouncing off the walls.

He's crazy, I'm telling ya, but he's so cute when hes saying stuff all quick cause he's had about 10 different stimulaters. It's adorable!

and today would be the first time i instigated "I love you". We were talking and i said it first...then he said it back. Thats the first time i've said it. Sometimes i would type it, but that doesnt count.

I am officially still sick. because my mom said im warm...because my throat hurts...and because i keep caughing and sniffling. It's disgusting.
I probably got Nick sick....shit, i know i sure as hell gave him something if not a disease ;-P just kidding.

Okay, so here's a tip for nicotine-addicted teenagers around the globe. you see, my mom smokes and it is through awesome power and deliberation that i have come to smoke the exact same cigarettes as she does. The only difference is that mine are 'lights' and hers are not. This isnt a problem. Here's ur tip: smoke the same kind as ur parent/guardian. it makes life easier. kick them out of the house. Fake being sick [unless u r really sick...like i am now] and let them go run errands on their own. While they're gone...wait five minutes after they leave and then go have a couple cigarettes. Use ur time wisely! if they are going to CVS right around the corner then you might only have time for half of one, but if they're hitting up Home Depot and the Mall on the other side of town then just make sure you're keeping track so u dont always assume u have plenty of time. Seriously it works.

for example: right now my mom is going to drive to my school which is an 8 minute walk away and get my uniforms. This should take no more than like 10 minutes: time for one cigarette if i plan it correctly.

Always make sure that when they come back you are in the same place you were when they left. makes them think u havent moved. Wash ur hands but dont put on spray or perfume...too obvious. They say they can...but they really cant recognize the smell of their own cigarettes unless they smell ur fingers or your breathe. Eat a cookie or something. Then u good.

:-)
As Always,
Rie Rie

Date with the Boyfriend

It was simple. Breakdown of the day:

Around 400 Lu came over to do my makeup and choose my outfit. We also met the tenant hopefuls for our little cottage in the backyard. They were nice people. The lady is a fantasy freak like muah. i like them. Anyways.

Then Lu left. My mom went and bought 2 packs of Newports. Not for me, but or kathy.
She is a really close friend. her and her sister, kelly, are freakin awesome. Unfortunately, their mom is dying and is in the hospital. I've known kathy since i started lee Middle school November of 2004. So we're good friends. She needed cigarettes and my mom loves her so she went and got them for her. Sometimes my mom is so great i love her.

Um...to carry on...
then mommy and i went to the Altamonte Springs mall for the backpack i want for school nd some tanktops. we went to Chiles for dinner.

and FINALLY it was date time. Before the movie, because he is amazing, he let me smoke a cigarette. thank god i was dying! Then we saw the Simpsons movie.

here's my review: Not really fall out of your seat funny, but there were a few good parts. Not predictable fr the most part. adult humor with a sense of chilish immaturity. Nothing too crude but it gets on the edges. it was usefully nice.

but then again, i didnt watch the WHOLE movie. i was a tad busy ;-)

and then afterwards? He let me smoke AGAIN!?
he is so amazing. we had fun.
I had fun.
He's great.
and i love him =]

got into another fight with Sugarplum. but it was so stupid it seriously ended like this:

Sugarplum: this is gay. im done fighting.
Rie Rie: yeah done!