I broke up with the Quarttett.
The Quarttett: Me, Sugarplum [K, Krystal] Lulu [Lucy, L, Lu], and JessiKem [J, Jess, Jessie]
the four of us are best friend...err....were.
I broke off with the quarttett for two reasons which i will explain fully.
Reason 1-
Last year i went through some serious stuff with my family. My school got involved which only made it worse for me. I ended up intertwining those problems with the ones at school. I thought it would be easier to include my best friend...but i thought it would be easier for me. When i pulled her into this mess...along with her family...i ended up loosing her as a friend. We still talk...but we're not friends anymore because of everything that i did to make it easier on myself without thinking about the people around me.
The same thing is happening this year. It's kind of serious stuff, but it's nothing i cant handle. Eventually, i know it will get better just like last time. And i want so much to pull the Quarttett into it and be able to talk to them, cry with them, and everything. but i dont want to because i dont want what happened between me n Klee to happen between me and them. So...the "breaking of the Quarttett" is much based on me not wanting to hurt them...salf sacrificing enough for ya? yea...
I'm also aware that they cannot handle my mood swings that this family issue brings me. I can go from 'fine and happy' to 'omfg kill me' to 'im going to kill you' to 'im so sad i want to die' to 'let's go get ice cream im in a great mood'....ya get it? I can barely handle myseld...i cant expect them to accomodate me and deal with the bullshit i will undoubtfully bestow upon the Quarttett. That's REASON A
Reason 2-
I am very co-dependent. Which scares me.
Open scenario: i call krystal on Saturday to see what she's up to...but she out with Lucy. i try not to let it bothr me but for some reason it absolutely KILLS me because i needed nothing more than to get out of my house form all this shit and see my friends...but they were busy with each other. i was invited, but didnt hear the phone ring once. Which tells me they didnt try hard enough as it is a known fact that u have to call multple times to get an anwer out of me or anyone who resides within this household.
So i end up feeling like shit all day because they had some quality K/L time. Thats not right. They should be bale to go hang out without me...and i shouldnt begrudge them that. but i couldnt help it.
Because i am "Unhealthily attatched" to my friends. What i mean, is that if im not getting almost constant attention from at least one of them...then i get moody, depressed, pissed, and sad all at the same time.
I hate feeling like this. So i am stopping it. THATS REASON B
my solution? I need to find myself. I need to depend on myself...work through the problems in my life...maybe do some homework...pass a test or something. I need to spend an evening doing my favorite things with not a care in the world...away from the computer...just by myself. Maybe paint my room or clean up the baclyard. it doesnt sound like fun...but i need room for my thoughts. I need to clear my head and rethink what my life is based on and what i want to do with my future due to my past. I can do this best by the Quarttett giving me space and Me going on my own a bit.
I still love them. A lot. probably too much. but im simply takin a break. understandable? You would think so. but its not.
I had the hardest time explaining this to them. Krystal was the hardest. Like...for the first time she was saying things that really affected me. Stupid shit like "I care" and "tell me whats wrong i wanna help you" "i'll always be there for you"
just simple stupid shit that made me cry. which bothers me, but i have sensitive tear glands. She got kinda pissed at me. But it was wearing off by lunchtime. We sat in the band room and had a nice conversation like usual about her and her boyfriend[ the one that me and Joe, Lucy's boyfriend, hate]
All in all, thanks in large part to Mikael [D'mitri], Jacob [Jay, Jaco, jake] and Lisa [Lice, lis, li, l] i made it until after school.
then it just hit me like...wow.
it was actually Lucy who made it happen. Lucy was really pissed when she left my house after i tried explaining to her. it did not go well at all. Then i thought she was accepting it.
Lucy [to k]: dont forget your money tomorrow!
mariah[to L]: for what?
then Mariah gets this look from Lucy...i get the look and then she practically blows me off in a cruel 'you asked for this' kind of way
before she says "T-Shirts"
whcih i opted out of when i was being pissed and moody
so that threw me into a handled depression that i was able to keep in check for the walk to ym house to get K's car.
then we got back to school in the hallway. Mikael and Jacbo werent there to comfort me...
and it was Max on the bass paying sad chords...and Jessie and Krystal right next to me. And i wanted to cry. so i got up and walked away. which im sure pissed of krystal cause she seemed in a bad mood.
and so i ask the ultimate question...
Why am i doing this?
Reason 1 and Reason 2
Lisa says: because ur trying to find yourself.
well why is this so fucking hard. why cant i simply be with my friend cause they care about me and i need the comfort? why is this so difficult...i have to make problems in the relationship because i feel self-pity. god.
as if u couldnt tell, im in a horrible mood. as added to the fact that she's online, im on away message and a million dollars says that we wont IM tonight. and for some reason that really makes me want to cry.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The Worst Day Ever
it starts with the game on friday.
i last blogged on thursday, right? So, friday was the football game.
no coach, no mariana. just us. AND WE DID AMAZING! had fun dancing, practicing, doin the show...everything. we looked good had a new hairstyle...everything.
but...Sugarplum and her boyfriend sat up front, as per the rule. Lu and Joe did, too. kat and Aidan....lots of ppl sat upfront without me...i sat back with Lisa who was flirting with Steve the entire time. Jessie was flirting with max and Danielle was throwing herself at kevin....therefor i had NOBODY to talk to. it was a sad ride there. which mde me kinda pissed when it got there.
but i eventually got over it. there were a few times when i would try to talk to Sugarplum but she wouldnt even hear me cause of asshole pinprick bob. i hate him for that. cause i hate not getting attention from my bestest friend.
but...it was still fun.
i had invited sugarplum to spend the night after the football game, but she couldnt since she couldnt get a ride. so i called Lu and asked if she wanted to give sugarplum a ride, i wouldpay for gas, and we could all go hang out or something. she said she didnt feel like driving to kissimmee and i apologized for trying to make her into my own personal chauffer.
So saturday [taday], i call sugrplum to see wuddup...but she is with Lu at the mall. Lu went and piked her up. they went to the mall together.
appearently they called, but i didnt hear the phone. ordinarily, you would call again, right? but they only called once.
so i end up feeling like shit the rest of the day.
I break up with my boyfriend. that was fun. we're still hanging out tomorrow
but i told him how i kissed another boy and he was hurt. we're not togethe,r but we're still friends. we've both had a bad week.
so im still upet at my friends for doing this, and thank god i have D'mitri around to talk to or i would be done.
I have discovered god.
he comes in a coffe cup filled with iced cappuccino mix made with powder and fat free skim milk. yum. and that juice of the lord is the reason i am able to talk to you all and am still awake.
and some hot music, sexy shaving, stuff like that. needless to say, im in a better mood and i feel dumb about the whole thing. tomorrow seems brighter. im waiting for a great day =]
i last blogged on thursday, right? So, friday was the football game.
no coach, no mariana. just us. AND WE DID AMAZING! had fun dancing, practicing, doin the show...everything. we looked good had a new hairstyle...everything.
but...Sugarplum and her boyfriend sat up front, as per the rule. Lu and Joe did, too. kat and Aidan....lots of ppl sat upfront without me...i sat back with Lisa who was flirting with Steve the entire time. Jessie was flirting with max and Danielle was throwing herself at kevin....therefor i had NOBODY to talk to. it was a sad ride there. which mde me kinda pissed when it got there.
but i eventually got over it. there were a few times when i would try to talk to Sugarplum but she wouldnt even hear me cause of asshole pinprick bob. i hate him for that. cause i hate not getting attention from my bestest friend.
but...it was still fun.
i had invited sugarplum to spend the night after the football game, but she couldnt since she couldnt get a ride. so i called Lu and asked if she wanted to give sugarplum a ride, i wouldpay for gas, and we could all go hang out or something. she said she didnt feel like driving to kissimmee and i apologized for trying to make her into my own personal chauffer.
So saturday [taday], i call sugrplum to see wuddup...but she is with Lu at the mall. Lu went and piked her up. they went to the mall together.
appearently they called, but i didnt hear the phone. ordinarily, you would call again, right? but they only called once.
so i end up feeling like shit the rest of the day.
I break up with my boyfriend. that was fun. we're still hanging out tomorrow
but i told him how i kissed another boy and he was hurt. we're not togethe,r but we're still friends. we've both had a bad week.
so im still upet at my friends for doing this, and thank god i have D'mitri around to talk to or i would be done.
I have discovered god.
he comes in a coffe cup filled with iced cappuccino mix made with powder and fat free skim milk. yum. and that juice of the lord is the reason i am able to talk to you all and am still awake.
and some hot music, sexy shaving, stuff like that. needless to say, im in a better mood and i feel dumb about the whole thing. tomorrow seems brighter. im waiting for a great day =]
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Did i mention that my time-management sucks?
so of course i was grounded. that was end of August-ish.
lots has happened since then. i shall fill you in. THe first football game ended with a BANG. we did first song and a little bit of the beginning of second, in which i screwed up on. I tried to give D'mitri a hug, but band isnt allowed affection while in uniform. That was first game.
Then second week life progressed. Nothing too important happened. I've been in a distressed depressed mood lately, due to not having a party hard junior year as i was expecting and random other things that just piss me off.
bands practices, classes, fights with mom, loosing my phone, full tights, putt putt golf, and NOT seeing my boyfriend in a LONG time...not to mention cheating on him ensued. It's been a hectic few weeks.
And then we get to second game of the year; last friday.
ick yuck bleh.
we did first song okay and were supposed to know second song and drill. we did fine until the categorized "salmon" part where we look like we're swimming upstream with our flags. then we all kinda...stopped. we looked around, could not for the life of us get back in. it was one of those "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING! OMG!"
hilarious, but disappointing. that will never happen again.
So now, we reach Thursday of the fourth week of school. We're well into September and past the eleventh of pain.
The quarttett [me, sugarplum, L and J] have grown apart. we hardly see each other, never hang out, and dont even think about each other that much. so tomorrow before the ga,e we're having a picnic infront of our school with no one else invited so there!
we now have first song complete, second song complete and third song begun. i hate it cause it has dance which i cant stand.
anyways, my current problem?
I ONLY HAVE ONE GAME FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW AND I CANT ET AHOLD OF MARIANA SO SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HRS SINCE SHE WONT BE AT THE SHOW TONIGHT! GOD DAMN!
nothing i can do. im so fucked.
at least Dom wont be there...and neither will Mariana. just me, Lice, L and Sugarplum.
i will get back to you soon, but i havnt been sleeping well and frankly, im pooped.
night!
lots has happened since then. i shall fill you in. THe first football game ended with a BANG. we did first song and a little bit of the beginning of second, in which i screwed up on. I tried to give D'mitri a hug, but band isnt allowed affection while in uniform. That was first game.
Then second week life progressed. Nothing too important happened. I've been in a distressed depressed mood lately, due to not having a party hard junior year as i was expecting and random other things that just piss me off.
bands practices, classes, fights with mom, loosing my phone, full tights, putt putt golf, and NOT seeing my boyfriend in a LONG time...not to mention cheating on him ensued. It's been a hectic few weeks.
And then we get to second game of the year; last friday.
ick yuck bleh.
we did first song okay and were supposed to know second song and drill. we did fine until the categorized "salmon" part where we look like we're swimming upstream with our flags. then we all kinda...stopped. we looked around, could not for the life of us get back in. it was one of those "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING! OMG!"
hilarious, but disappointing. that will never happen again.
So now, we reach Thursday of the fourth week of school. We're well into September and past the eleventh of pain.
The quarttett [me, sugarplum, L and J] have grown apart. we hardly see each other, never hang out, and dont even think about each other that much. so tomorrow before the ga,e we're having a picnic infront of our school with no one else invited so there!
we now have first song complete, second song complete and third song begun. i hate it cause it has dance which i cant stand.
anyways, my current problem?
I ONLY HAVE ONE GAME FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW AND I CANT ET AHOLD OF MARIANA SO SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HRS SINCE SHE WONT BE AT THE SHOW TONIGHT! GOD DAMN!
nothing i can do. im so fucked.
at least Dom wont be there...and neither will Mariana. just me, Lice, L and Sugarplum.
i will get back to you soon, but i havnt been sleeping well and frankly, im pooped.
night!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
The Aftershock
currently my boyfriend is hopped up on energy drinks and bouncing off the walls.
He's crazy, I'm telling ya, but he's so cute when hes saying stuff all quick cause he's had about 10 different stimulaters. It's adorable!
and today would be the first time i instigated "I love you". We were talking and i said it first...then he said it back. Thats the first time i've said it. Sometimes i would type it, but that doesnt count.
I am officially still sick. because my mom said im warm...because my throat hurts...and because i keep caughing and sniffling. It's disgusting.
I probably got Nick sick....shit, i know i sure as hell gave him something if not a disease ;-P just kidding.
Okay, so here's a tip for nicotine-addicted teenagers around the globe. you see, my mom smokes and it is through awesome power and deliberation that i have come to smoke the exact same cigarettes as she does. The only difference is that mine are 'lights' and hers are not. This isnt a problem. Here's ur tip: smoke the same kind as ur parent/guardian. it makes life easier. kick them out of the house. Fake being sick [unless u r really sick...like i am now] and let them go run errands on their own. While they're gone...wait five minutes after they leave and then go have a couple cigarettes. Use ur time wisely! if they are going to CVS right around the corner then you might only have time for half of one, but if they're hitting up Home Depot and the Mall on the other side of town then just make sure you're keeping track so u dont always assume u have plenty of time. Seriously it works.
for example: right now my mom is going to drive to my school which is an 8 minute walk away and get my uniforms. This should take no more than like 10 minutes: time for one cigarette if i plan it correctly.
Always make sure that when they come back you are in the same place you were when they left. makes them think u havent moved. Wash ur hands but dont put on spray or perfume...too obvious. They say they can...but they really cant recognize the smell of their own cigarettes unless they smell ur fingers or your breathe. Eat a cookie or something. Then u good.
:-)
As Always,
Rie Rie
He's crazy, I'm telling ya, but he's so cute when hes saying stuff all quick cause he's had about 10 different stimulaters. It's adorable!
and today would be the first time i instigated "I love you". We were talking and i said it first...then he said it back. Thats the first time i've said it. Sometimes i would type it, but that doesnt count.
I am officially still sick. because my mom said im warm...because my throat hurts...and because i keep caughing and sniffling. It's disgusting.
I probably got Nick sick....shit, i know i sure as hell gave him something if not a disease ;-P just kidding.
Okay, so here's a tip for nicotine-addicted teenagers around the globe. you see, my mom smokes and it is through awesome power and deliberation that i have come to smoke the exact same cigarettes as she does. The only difference is that mine are 'lights' and hers are not. This isnt a problem. Here's ur tip: smoke the same kind as ur parent/guardian. it makes life easier. kick them out of the house. Fake being sick [unless u r really sick...like i am now] and let them go run errands on their own. While they're gone...wait five minutes after they leave and then go have a couple cigarettes. Use ur time wisely! if they are going to CVS right around the corner then you might only have time for half of one, but if they're hitting up Home Depot and the Mall on the other side of town then just make sure you're keeping track so u dont always assume u have plenty of time. Seriously it works.
for example: right now my mom is going to drive to my school which is an 8 minute walk away and get my uniforms. This should take no more than like 10 minutes: time for one cigarette if i plan it correctly.
Always make sure that when they come back you are in the same place you were when they left. makes them think u havent moved. Wash ur hands but dont put on spray or perfume...too obvious. They say they can...but they really cant recognize the smell of their own cigarettes unless they smell ur fingers or your breathe. Eat a cookie or something. Then u good.
:-)
As Always,
Rie Rie
Date with the Boyfriend
It was simple. Breakdown of the day:
Around 400 Lu came over to do my makeup and choose my outfit. We also met the tenant hopefuls for our little cottage in the backyard. They were nice people. The lady is a fantasy freak like muah. i like them. Anyways.
Then Lu left. My mom went and bought 2 packs of Newports. Not for me, but or kathy.
She is a really close friend. her and her sister, kelly, are freakin awesome. Unfortunately, their mom is dying and is in the hospital. I've known kathy since i started lee Middle school November of 2004. So we're good friends. She needed cigarettes and my mom loves her so she went and got them for her. Sometimes my mom is so great i love her.
Um...to carry on...
then mommy and i went to the Altamonte Springs mall for the backpack i want for school nd some tanktops. we went to Chiles for dinner.
and FINALLY it was date time. Before the movie, because he is amazing, he let me smoke a cigarette. thank god i was dying! Then we saw the Simpsons movie.
here's my review: Not really fall out of your seat funny, but there were a few good parts. Not predictable fr the most part. adult humor with a sense of chilish immaturity. Nothing too crude but it gets on the edges. it was usefully nice.
but then again, i didnt watch the WHOLE movie. i was a tad busy ;-)
and then afterwards? He let me smoke AGAIN!?
he is so amazing. we had fun.
I had fun.
He's great.
and i love him =]
got into another fight with Sugarplum. but it was so stupid it seriously ended like this:
Sugarplum: this is gay. im done fighting.
Rie Rie: yeah done!
Around 400 Lu came over to do my makeup and choose my outfit. We also met the tenant hopefuls for our little cottage in the backyard. They were nice people. The lady is a fantasy freak like muah. i like them. Anyways.
Then Lu left. My mom went and bought 2 packs of Newports. Not for me, but or kathy.
She is a really close friend. her and her sister, kelly, are freakin awesome. Unfortunately, their mom is dying and is in the hospital. I've known kathy since i started lee Middle school November of 2004. So we're good friends. She needed cigarettes and my mom loves her so she went and got them for her. Sometimes my mom is so great i love her.
Um...to carry on...
then mommy and i went to the Altamonte Springs mall for the backpack i want for school nd some tanktops. we went to Chiles for dinner.
and FINALLY it was date time. Before the movie, because he is amazing, he let me smoke a cigarette. thank god i was dying! Then we saw the Simpsons movie.
here's my review: Not really fall out of your seat funny, but there were a few good parts. Not predictable fr the most part. adult humor with a sense of chilish immaturity. Nothing too crude but it gets on the edges. it was usefully nice.
but then again, i didnt watch the WHOLE movie. i was a tad busy ;-)
and then afterwards? He let me smoke AGAIN!?
he is so amazing. we had fun.
I had fun.
He's great.
and i love him =]
got into another fight with Sugarplum. but it was so stupid it seriously ended like this:
Sugarplum: this is gay. im done fighting.
Rie Rie: yeah done!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
wait i forgot something!
About two minutes ago my mother told me to wheel the garbage to the street which reminds me! Last week...it was Wednesday or Thursday i think...Prolly Wednesday, but i met a boy! Not a boy like Nick, obviously but this was just a friendboy i met and he was so cute but its a fun story...listen...
So im sick, i dont feel well...ive been wearing the ame clothes for three days. i havent showered. my hair is a mess and i walk like the living dead. Then i have to take ou the garbage which simply adds to my stinky-ness. And i turn my head and see the MOST GORGEOUS blonde skater ever. And he's looking in my direction.
Half of me is like "fuck him i dont give a shit" but the other half is like "God dammit of course a really cute guy comes by when i look and feel like shit"
But he stopps boarding and kinda look at me. So here's our conversation:
Rie Rie: what?!
Blonde Boy: Dove, right?
Rie Rie:....huh?
Blonde Boy: You use Dove deoderant, right?
[at this point, i am so bamboozled and confused by him because i know i havent used deoderant in like 3 days. so i stare]
Blonde Boy: well i ue it too and i figured you must've just started using it and were testing to see if there were white lines.
Rie Rie: [finally snapping] Alright what the fuck are you talking about?
Blonde Boy: Your shirt is inside out...
[PAUSE AND DEFEATED ROAR because god dammit he was right!] so we get to talking for like 2 1/2 to 5 minutes of lame discussion. I hand him my phone and he hands me his and we give out our numbers, but as he's skateboarding away i realize that i never got his name...so i check my phone and the only new number is under the name "The One"
haha it was so cheesy, cute and romantic i had to write it down. Im about to delete it from ym phone anyways. Because i believe he was just messing with me. He's not going to call and Lord knows i wont call when i have aboyfriend (i prolly wouldnt call anyway) but my friends keep threatening me to call so i must get rid of the number...at least our of my phone. lol.
I love you Nick...if you're reading this and you shouldnt be worried cause you are so much sweeter. =D
So im sick, i dont feel well...ive been wearing the ame clothes for three days. i havent showered. my hair is a mess and i walk like the living dead. Then i have to take ou the garbage which simply adds to my stinky-ness. And i turn my head and see the MOST GORGEOUS blonde skater ever. And he's looking in my direction.
Half of me is like "fuck him i dont give a shit" but the other half is like "God dammit of course a really cute guy comes by when i look and feel like shit"
But he stopps boarding and kinda look at me. So here's our conversation:
Rie Rie: what?!
Blonde Boy: Dove, right?
Rie Rie:....huh?
Blonde Boy: You use Dove deoderant, right?
[at this point, i am so bamboozled and confused by him because i know i havent used deoderant in like 3 days. so i stare]
Blonde Boy: well i ue it too and i figured you must've just started using it and were testing to see if there were white lines.
Rie Rie: [finally snapping] Alright what the fuck are you talking about?
Blonde Boy: Your shirt is inside out...
[PAUSE AND DEFEATED ROAR because god dammit he was right!] so we get to talking for like 2 1/2 to 5 minutes of lame discussion. I hand him my phone and he hands me his and we give out our numbers, but as he's skateboarding away i realize that i never got his name...so i check my phone and the only new number is under the name "The One"
haha it was so cheesy, cute and romantic i had to write it down. Im about to delete it from ym phone anyways. Because i believe he was just messing with me. He's not going to call and Lord knows i wont call when i have aboyfriend (i prolly wouldnt call anyway) but my friends keep threatening me to call so i must get rid of the number...at least our of my phone. lol.
I love you Nick...if you're reading this and you shouldnt be worried cause you are so much sweeter. =D
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