Chicago and More!

It's December 30th.
damn a lot has changed.

i went to Chicago over break. So did krystal.

we didnt see each other but its understandable...verry difficult to get around up there. plus we were about an hour or two away. its all good.

I dont even know where to begin on the Chic trip. uhm...we saw "A Christmas Carol" on stage at the Goodman. We went Skiing in Wisconsin at Devils Head and i completely pwned with some locals. they know how to party there.
i was sick the entire time we were up there, though. Still am. Bronchitis sucks. and i've never had it before so the doc said that it'll take awhile to go away but my immune system will kick ass the next time it tries to come around.

Being sick gave me lots of time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and think horrible thoughts that make me sad =(
so i try to stay away from that but of course it doesnt actually ever work when i try to do something, ya know?
so i texted with krystal a lot and for the most part, when i talked to her i got into a better mood but sometimes it was simply depressing. honestly, i would be thinking and then start texting and just be bitter and self-pitying the entire time which is SO fucking annoying not only to her (probablu) but also to me cause im sick of sounding like that one chick we all know and dislike for her "poor me" all the time attitude. its irritating and so we call her a "low dose" person. but i dont wanna be a low dose person! i wanna be a HIGH DOSE! or a constant Dose! you know what i mean!!!! AHHH! and i especially dont want krystal to wanna stop talking to me or get annoyed when she does, or treat me like a low/no dose person.

you know what i mean?

god. and so i was kinda mean to her last night. and i said like..one sentence that would really really really kill me if she had said it to me.

so im hoping she'll not take it to heart for when i apologize.

but i just get so frusterated with her sometimes! i cant help it!

im also an impulse texter which doesnt help im sure!

lord just fuckin kill me! gahhh!

but i have lots of andy to satisfy myself with! and lucy is coming over to see me. i really missed her. and jessie of course. i would say i missed krystal but it seems like i practically had her there with me since we were constantly talking. today is the first day we havent texted since the break started.

Oh but tomorrow is new years which is even more angst.

I had planned on going to jacob's parentsa new years party which he begged for me to go to and they approved so i was like "hell yeah!". but then Lucy called and shes throwing a new years party with a game of capture the flag and stuff like that with lots of our friends and i REALLY wanna go. but he doesnt wanna go cause he bought all kinds of fireworks! so im not sure....why cant he just take the fireworks to Lucys? but im not sure if she'll allow that. GOD DAMMIT!

six days

since my last post.
three til i leave for chicago.

fifteen since jacob and I's once month.

and wow it feels like forever.

we have our english and science exams tomorrow. i think im gonna fail chem for sure unless i can sneak my cheat sheet that i forgot to submit for approval under my desk. whoops.

and jacob and i are going strong. i rlly rlly like him actually.

my recent problem?

my best friend. okay---she broke up with bob. about time right? but now i kinda miss him because now she sorta hates Jacob even more. its prolly not because of that but i dunno. this si the first time i'm hearing that she truly 10000% cannto stand him. I knew she didnt like him cause theyve hated each other since they were little but i thought they just fought a lot but they could be civil. now i hear that she hates him.

then she decides to announce how she thinks he flirts with her. as if i wasnt aware. Lucy and I already figured it all out. Jacob had a think with lucy cause he was sore about Danielle, he wanted Jessie because she was intorested in him and she put him in a good mood, he likes me because i have no clue, and he's recently come to realize how gorgeous krystal is and has a small crush on her.

which i have been aware of since Lucy and I discussed this BEFORE i started dating him but i never rlly thought of it. now im thinking of ti and it pisses me the fuck off. dammit

dying.

Symptoms: my head is splitting. my throat taste disgusting. i recently puked green flakes all over my floor. I've been sick for a long time anyways. i have a nasty cough. everything is sore. my stomach is so nauseous [mispelled]. my vision is hazy with a black tint to it. my chest is searing with a fiery pain. my uterus is bleeding to death. my throat feels like its sliced at the walls. i have been peeing nonstop. i get dizzy every two seconds. and my ears are ringing.

possibilities: im sick already; that could be a plausible factor. I took tylenol cold and flu...then i took 3 midols...then i did stretched and exercises involving moving around and physical exersion. the smoking also cant be helping at all. I also ate a lot today. I'm on the worst [and longest and moodiest] period of my sixteen years of existence [five of which have been period-consisting]. And, my sleeping schedule sucks ass. I'm also stressed for grades, work, guard, friends, and family.


There is so much going on. I cant handle all of this. I have soo much homework. i dont know what im gonna do.

cause i feel sooo horrible. no joke.omg.

not to be drama-queen...but i feel like im fuckin dying.

I should

be doing my english.
loose some wheight.
have a better attitude.
clean my room.
be more organized.
be a better girlfriend.
care more.
care less.
be a little nicer.
lower my volume.
pray.
be stronger.
call my dad.
try harder.
have more confidence.


---but im fuckin trying. cant eveyrone just gimme a break?

Hey...i exist!

It hasnt been such a bad few weeks. really it hasnt.

I got the job. and now i work =/ but i get paid which is a very pleasant thought.

I'm still on Winter guard. we had practice yesterday which was lovely and enjoyable. Tomorrow we have practice again...and im still excited.

I actually had a horrible day yesterday.

You see, I'm sick. Really sick. I didnt tell my friends, but besides the coughing, hacking, sneezing, runny nose, and headache...i've also been getting dizzy. thats why im not at school today. i passed out last night while wlaking up the stairs. and i woke up with my mom freaking out over me as i was lying on the couch. Scenario: not good.

that was my big issue last night. Not only that but i seemed to have forgotten ALL of my homework yesterday so fuck it....i dont rlly care. My math grade [and the majority of my grades] are sooo low...im kinda worried which never happens.

This being sick thing sucks ass.

i also got pissed at krystal last night. grrrrawr. but im kinda over it now.

Here was the problem:
i do everything i can for her...not for some reward but because i genuinly enjoy making her smile and stuff. so i go completely out of my way to make her life easier...i make my mom be quiet so she can take a nap...i clean up half of our insanely messy extra bedroom so she could sleep in peace...i bring her snacks....i have my mom buy food specifically for her....i get her shit out of the bandroom before its locked...i do her religion homework for her....anytime i can i try to do my best and help her out. i have never once asked her to return the gesture because i do it cause i love her.but i tend to expect that when shes in a bad mood--she could be a little sensitive to my feelings and try not to bitch at me or be rude just because she feels horrible. or she could at least apologize and say "sorry, im just pissed right now" and stuff like that. thats all im asking for---some sort of appreciation or respect for everything i do for her. and i cant ever get that and she treats me like shit and takes complete advantage of me. im sick of it.

and now im home sick today and heres the kinda funny part;

i thought she didnt care cause i didnt get the customary text "where r u?" which she always sends when im home from school. But lucy just said that shes home sick, too...and she prolly thinks I dont care because i havent sent here a text asking "whats wrong baby?"

lol so its kinda funny. I guess i'll be texting her even though she had a serious attitude yesterday at the enhd of practice. oh well. update later..maybe

If you want it...

...Here it is come and get it/Make your mind up fast.

REASONS TO BE HAPPY
1. i have an amazing boyfriend
2. Winter guard is sooo much fun
3. my friends are still great
4. the next episode of Avatar is the invasion!
5. They've started filming for HP and the HBP already
6. mom's in a better mood
7. officially, we're leaving for chicago
8. it's almost second semester
9. i found one of my fav songs.
10. planning my birthday

REASONS NOT TO BE HAPPY
1. mom was so freakin crazy yesterday
2. laundry
3. my grades.
4. Krystal...somethings wrong i can tell
5. no church= higher tuition
6. job hasnt started yet =(
7. i'm anxious about guard
8. i care too much what other people think
9. i havent upated on portkey but i promised i would
10. i dunno, but i'll think of something.

and thats it for your post today!

Boho Days

So this is why they call it "the best time of our lives"

Because we are entering the ability to succeed and to make success.

To be successful. what is it, anyways? each of us have our own idea of success and how we picture it. personally, i would be successful if i successfully manage not to go crazy and successfully commit suicide during this stressful time of my life. you see? all i want is success, but doesnt everybody? and if everybody has it...then i probably wont want it anymore.

Two jobs.
BlackWater
CVS

Permit.
I want to learn to play the flute
I want to learn to read music

I am doing Winter Guard International.
I am trying to have a relationship with a boy i really like.
My room is not clean.
my grades are, granted, unsuccessful, but, mind you, im trying!!

I have my Rollins app complete [minus the Fafsa and final transcript]
I yearn for Columbia and swithcing ym schedule.
I still have the most amazing and supportive friends ever. no really, i do.

Krystal is still with Bob. Lucy is still with Joe. Kat is still with Aidan and Lisa is still with Sylvan. These things dont end. when they do, you'll know. the world will collapse from within; and then it'll start back up again and continue aimlessly to make the same mistake. Thats life. That's wizards chess. oops.

An old friend gets caught smoking weed. i get caught smelling like cigarettes. Missy gets pregnant and Mommy gets working on my birthday party.

this is the life, bo bo bo bo bo, this is the life, no no no no no. is this the life?

hysteria? kill me now. im actually having fun, but its kinda bittersweet. because im just gonna be miserable eventually. and then pick it back up and then fall again. thats life?

why is everything so complicated?

i swear im not in a depressed mood. im actually substantially great. seriously. lol. ttyl. i want a bagel!

I go Back

Everytime i hear that song...

i go back.
I go back to a pew, preacher, and a choir
singing about god, brimestone and fire
and the smell of sunday chicken after church
i go back to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summer si shared with him
now "only the good die young" stops me in my tracks.
everytime i hear that song...i go back.

to the feel of fifty yard line, a blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine.
i go back.
to watching summer fade to fall
growing up to fast and i do recall
i go back.
to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summers i shared with him.



Recently was the three-year anniversary of my expulsion, right?
and this changed my entire life. it enabled me. it gave oppurtunities which i learned to take advantage of. and its helped turn me into who i am today. So i chalk that up to how i act, how i think, and i how i tend to throw reason out the window.

Which is maybe why so much just doesnt make sense to me. So...i say a few things. I mean, its not my business, but i mean c'mon. If your tired of being teased about it, and you want it, then fuckin go for it. thats what i would do. but shes not me. and i know that. so maybe i pushed to far and she got pissy with me. i can respect that. alright fine. that subject is appearently off-limits again. oh well.

but other things seem to be going well. i have new boyfriend who i really really like. His name is Jacob and he's pretty grand. I've talked about him before. We're kinda an odd couple...but i kinda like that.

i can completely be myself...and be a bitch to him...around him...and everything. He's got flaws, but you know, i can handle that. i like it that there are things about him that annoy me, but he makes up for it with how great he is. and i truly mean that. this is kinda new for me. i dont do the boyfriend thing, but for the first time, im not thinking about other boys or anything. i like that part, too.

I hit a car the other day. that was horrible. i was driving and then i freaked out, considering i had never driven that far and i havent even got my permit yet. So i turned quickly and went to fast, so i bumped into a cherry red pick up truck. honestly, what self-respecting white hillbilly drives a chick colored car....but whatever. Maybe it matches the lipstick he wears when he goes out with his "buddies from work" not my place to judge, man.

but i came home crying. i'm still in trouble for that. So let's add more fuel to the fire.

The reason why im an idiot: i never learn my lesson. in eighth grade, i got in trouble after bringing contraband material to school. So what do i do? i bring it to school again.

Only this time, i actually use it. I took Lindsey out for a drive and we had a cigarette, but we had to be back before detention. So we came back, reeking of nicotine. Honestly, i didnt even notice cause im kinda used to it. my mom smokes, too and the smell is just normal to me.

but anyways, of course we get caught. and we get asked if we were smoking. Realizing that if i denied it and they did a back search my life would be over, i owned up to it. then i went inside and got ride of the stuff before they could do a search which i was successful in thwarting THANK FUCKING GOD. but im looking at a two-day suspension.

and, you know, being grounded for the rest of my life when my mother finds out and decides that i am now three yrs old. I swear to god if i ddint have to tell her this, i would quit right now. which i prolly shoulda done a LONG time ago. but now i get to face more consequences. so long as i dont get expelled, i can handle it.

it was actually kinda humorous. and im hoping it will be when i tell my mom. and talk to the deans. though i expect my mom already knows because appearently mrs barnash and her were on the phone with each other during the game. wow.

also had a different new experience: oppurtunity with a boy that which i did not seize and i feel like the biggest idiot for. What the hell was i thinking? who was the one who stopped it before it got far...but whos the one who encourages the next level? exactly! so i wish i had done that.

and i kinda regret telling the truth to dean wheeler....deniability and all that. and i regret getting on krystals case because i recognize that it wasnt cool. when shes over it, we'll talk but shes been in a crappy mood with me and her friends lately anyways.

oh well.

but i got back into country which is something to smile about. because its like going back to a really simple time. When iw as in sixth/seventh grade and all the girls lived with us...they were rlly into that stuff so by default, i ended up falling in love with Kenny Chesney and goin to see Alan jackson and Toby Keith in concert. Candice even went to see Tim McGraw which i was rlly jealous of back then. but its like traveling back to a more innocent age. pre-bishop moore. pre-lee middle. pre-lots of shit thats gone down.

and i am lookin for a job. i think i go the publix one, but i dont want it if i can work at CVS. i also applied at walgreens but they asked dumb shit math questions which kicked my ass...i forgot my calculator. and why do u need to know amth anwyay when the fucking cash register does it all for you, man?

and i took the SAT. not as scary as it seems. not a big deal. it was actually kinda releiving and i cant wait to get my scores.

now im writing my portkey story again, which is again like going back. and i miss how i used to be, but i love who i am now. is that confusing or what?

until next time, maybe i'll have figured it out. cya.

With a little help from my friends

there's a song by Simple Plan that taught me all about best friends.

i thought that i could always count on you
i thought that nothing could between us two
we said as long as we would stick together
wed be alright we'd be okay
but i was stupid
and u broke me down
i'll never be that way again

So thank you
for showing me
that best friends cannot be trusted
and thank you
for lying to me
your friendship, the good times we had
you can have them back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and that was my anthem for 8th grade. Because of everything that had happened.

Im a pretty trusting person. I mean, im willing to share secrets and stuff with people who i deem worthy and caring. But if i do that...then i need constant reassurance that that person isnt going to fuck me over....share my secrets with the world...ditch me when i need them....talk behind my back....go to administration, you know?

and i gues thats what im blaming on how shitty i treated Krystal last night and why today i cried all day like a three-year-old cause my friends dont love me and my mom yelled at me all day. I feel so pathetic. It seriously is the worst feeling--when u think the world hates you. and i know Krystal doesnt hate me...but sometimes i get to thinking all kinds of horrible things. and i hate that.

im sure shes sick of me too and i wouldnt be surprised if she wanted to stop being my friend. it would only prove my point.

god i hate today.

it just...it rlly makes me wanna kill myself.

october 27 2007

tomorrow. oh god.

i just wasted ten minutes bitching at krystal. it didnt even start that way. i was fine. i was just telling her about Lucy and Joe. then we started talking about Jacob. and she said something that sorta sounded mean the way i read it. and then i guess i just went downhill from there.

because im so sad and angry after four fuckin years. And i blame that expulsion on everything. every fucking thing in my life went wrong after that.

and i keep thinking that my friends dont really like me. because thats what happened before. they sold me out and fuckin ruined my life. they made me this way.

oh god. if i hadnt gone to Lee Middle then i wouldnt have met Jake. If i'd never met Jake, i wouldnt have started that. I wouldnt have skipped with heather and Brittany. I wouldnt have dated and broke up with Ryan. i wouldnt have done any of the horrible stuff that happened from november-may.

But the it's Nick's fault too. If my mom never met him, then i never would;ve met Candice, and in turn met Shana. as much as i love that girl, i can accept that they're the ones who loaded me, and starting at Lee Middle simply set off the trigger.

and three/four years later, what do i have to show for it?
im still the same. never grew up. i never learned how! nobody ever showed me how to handle all of this bullshit.

im not even making sense to myself. can barely remember everything i just said to my best friend.

but i just feel like they hate me. like they all think im just an attention seeking slut. Like im self-inflicting all this stuff thats happening at home because im too scared to go through what i went through. It stems from what Lucy said...what Krystal said...what they havent said. what my mom says. the stuff i hear from other people. the stuff i should hear from other people.

it just feels like nobody has time for mariah and her problems anymore because its always the same problems and it gets old. Just because i've talked about it a few times, am i just supposed to stop being sad about it?
thats how it is in movies. but the ending is always happy.

and i cant fucking cry anymore. and i cant see any good ending for this at all. Every option sucks. and i would be able to get through this if i wasnt such a fuckin baby. but i need the constant reassurance from guys and from ym friends becaue im co-dependent. i know that! and everyone else knows that! so why isnt it happening? am i expecting so much. all i want is for someone who loves me to just hold me in their arms and say that everything will be alright.

nobody did that last time. i just wanna talk about it, but im having such a hard time thinking....its killing me. and in less than twenty minutes, the end of my life is repeated.

So many good things are happening now. EVERYONE is in a better mood except for me. and i would call lucy but shes sleeping. i would call jess but her parents would kill me. I would talk to Lindsey, but shes sleeping, too and she doesnt know like the others do. I cant talk to krystal because she wont talk to me when im like this.

so theres fucking nobody. and i'll remember this. i swear to god someday i'll write about this and maybe some stupid little girl will read it and do the right thing. i cant fucking do this anymore. i just...i need to calm down. chill out. do something. oh god. 14 minutes.

three years ago exactly, i was sleeping after a harsh monday at school. i had no clue. no fuckin clue about the math book or the rumors or what Kelci and Lucas and Biana and Alex and Zach were planning on doing. or maybe they had already done it. They had seemed fine after school when we hung out. not one of them cared. and no one fuckin cares now.

So i get over that only to come to this and have more problems. i cant fuckin do anything. i cant even talk to my best friend. fuck it. im just gonna stop typing. because i dont even know what im saying.

BECAUSE

the sky is bluuueeeeeee
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The Me-time fourday weekend has been groovy as hell. Of course, i truly have been enjoying myself almost completely. I saw my friends a lot on Friday.

Fuckin, i spend WAY too much time with Krystal then. lol. It was like...we didnt see each other in the morning cause i was late to school [tired whoops] but we were texting all morning. And then we get to second period, third hour on a fine friday morning so we can go to the UCF college meeting with JessiKem the great who had a free period. I believe Lucy was religion, but im not too sure. Yeah, actually she had to have been. and then we hung out before third. and then we saw each other before fourth. and on the way to fifth. and then we had sixth together. and then that was it for school day. then after school we spent the entire afternoon and evening together in her car. it was kinda insane. before we went to mary mags fall festival and spent even more time with each other. the she had to drive me home.

see? Friday was officially Krystal Day. haha.

Then Saturday was chill down day. and Sunday was fun with my mom and stuff. then monday comes: im prepared for more chill down and i know that krystal and mikael have movie plans. but i wasnt jealous so ha.

i still got invited. cause they ended up going to see Across the universe at citywalk, which brought everyone past curfew. oh well.

that was fun and now its tuesday which is "get bitched at by my mother" day. fun.

tomorrow is wednesday. practice which will suck. at least all of the classes will be shorter. but practice will still suck.

i am so having a bagel before school even if i have to wake up an hour early. so there!

My little C is good too. But shes having a romantic affair with none other than the boy i call Axel. Axel likes her...but he also likes me and he's told me that. I told him that i was planning on ignoring that so he and jessie could have a chance. He said that i shouldnt ignore it if i like him, too......errr.....huh?

anyways, Mikael had a small issue at the movie and im glad i was there. i felt horrible for doubting him earlier in this week so i had to comfort him not only to hepl but also for my own peace of mind. I think Krystal realized why iw as being so attentive. oh well. she has been in a spectacularly great mood lately and it rocked.

oh yeah and im creating a new product: "Pigs in a blanket". they're toe warmers for when im in krystals car and she wont let me stick my feet out of the window.

just to be a smartass, i think i will have little toe warmers with me and just pull em out to make her laugh. haha. im a genius.

Oh and i also am knda excited to give her the present i made for her.
You dont what it is? ha well too damn bad caue i dont know who reads this and i dont want anyone to tell her. im not even going to say why i made it becaue that would give away what it is.

but im having a good day. until nabout five minutes when ym mom said that tickets to HHN are 54 dollars. ha. we cant afford that.

and neither can anybody else in the group. shit!

Bubbly

yes im in a good mood, weird isnt it?

its probably in due part to feeling extremely smart.

in a fashion, i now COMPLETELY understand all of my chemistry. it was as simple as outlining chapter five and chapter six...answering the questions AND studying the stuff he gave us in class. Now i can do the homework! yes!

but i feel really weird. i mean, im a fuckin veteran at Saturday Schools. And usually, when i have one, i dont even bring my bag cause its just extra weight, and i spend the entire three hours just trying to sleep.

this time, i had a book and pens and paper and everything. and i only nodded off for a second. it was kinda....fun, dare i say? yes it twas but i deff dont want to do it again. im kinda over this getting into trouble thing.

i mean, yes it was funny and i still think its BA, but now its just getting old.
i mean...i'm full of detentions and saturday schools and now everyone expects it. that is SO annoying, but whatever.

im in such a good mood and i think the reason is because i was up and ready early, i got a lot of sleep, i have a feeling of accomplishment, and my mom hasnt been home all day.

granted, certain things still suck ass. For instance, i get home last night to find my parents laughing and watching television together. I'm letting them think that im okay with it, but i hate this. IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BOTHER ME! because im a kid.

but why is it that they treat me like an adult when i want to be a child, but im too young when i actually WANT the responsbility?

i have no clue if that made sense.
but whatever. i'll finish this later i dont feel like just sitting here. time to dance around and sing? yes good idea!

Let's See How Far We've Come

i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we're gunna find out

I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gunna pretend

let's see how far we've come

I've grown up

i can tell you that.

how do you know?

i had a great day.
the irony? i didnt see krystal once and i only texted her a few times towards the middle and end of the ay. then i got on the phone with her after, but i was pretty good for the most part. im proud of myself.

see? im growing up? see how far i've come?

good day, good sir

i wilt not bother with the tiresome bore of everyday life of the current degree. i care not to type about homecoming...how horrible it was for me...or how grand it was for certain others.

im not going to expose the long overdriven secret and i surely will never spill my true heart out over the internet. this is my blog for fun and recreation because i love to write.

but the thing is...

i dont anymore. i just dont want to write. i dont get it.

during my insecure days, the eighth grade adolescent "he loves me not so i must be naught"mindset threw me off horribly, but i lasted because as pukingly heinous as this sounds...when i wrote stories with female leads...they were always gorgeous, smart, perfect chicks whom people admired. i'd yet to create a fictional flawed character which i was perfectly okay with.

but now i know im flawed, obviously, however i dont write [technically type] a damn word. like..life has come to consist of school, friends, boys, colorguard, chores, sleep, and plans. There's no more room for alone writing time for the next "great American musical" or the "Novel to rule the world". i dont even have time to watch highschool musical 2.

where has all my time gone? it's not like i do that much...i rlly dont. i hate busybodies...am i becoming one? of course not. if anyone could sustain the pressure of strict organizationa dn obedience to overcontrolling authority...wouldnt it be mariah?

authority. which brings me to woe # 2.

Lucy is guard captain. colorguard is an athletic sport in band where you spin a flag which can be exceedingly difficult at times [you try couting, staung in step, doing the work, and smiling at the same damn time].

excuse...Lucy was guard captain. she gave it up because guard has an authority/attitude problem. I can agree with that. Krystal has a subconscience attitude, Lisa's is openly bitchy, and i cant describe mine but i have one often. Lucy couldnt handle it, which is not a sign of weakness because i dont know too many people who are willing to put aside friendship for guard and step up to regime leader.

Krystal can. and Krystal will if she gets captain next year. Lisa can, but Lisa wont. and she wouldnt make a very good captain, sadly, though i love the girl to death. And of course im biased when it comes to Krystal cause shes my bestets friend, but thats the problem.

How could i have my best friend as my cpatain telling me to pay attention in line and get in attention and stop fooling around when she's the chick i fool around with the most? it would suck. i swear that i will quit before i let dumbass leadership in band get between the rlly great friendship we have.

I am completely and 100% against Leadership.
I believe that it is the wrong message: some students are better than you and have more authority so listen to them and if they're wrong..too bad and its a shame u didnt get the position, eh?

the band is already split by sections that are like sibling rivalries. Woodwinds, brass, low brass, drumline, front ensemble, colorguard [i think thats it] and its also split by years and seniority...freshmen, sophomores, juniors, seniors...kis who have been in band all 4 years...kids who havent...so lets fuck it up more by creating tension, drama and circulating contempt throughout the internal members of the band. isnt unity important? shouldnt it be as simple as "Richard says so..." and every single person is their own authoriy.

that would work even in a perfect world because people [myself included] are lazy. we dont want to work hard if no one is forcing us. but is leadership necessary? its not like they set an amazing example. everyone just does what they want anyways. and everyone ultimately just does what Barker, mom and the principle want so what does it matter? i'll tell you what...it doesnt matter at all.

if u do your shit and know your shit then fuck it if ur "captain" gave u the authority to talk. half of the time...the captains are the problem. the ectins wouldnt be so rebellious to their superiors if they didnt have superiors other than the true authority which is admin.

so itsa stupid. and pointless, yet the sole of my demise recently.


and then there is woe # 3

my family is driving me crazy. and if i ever get my ass in gear and write something worthwhile...it'll be about this. because thats the way to sell your soul: write a book about the truth and advert as fiction. throw in a magic pumpkin and a fairy godmother and BAM you're good to go. best seller with a heart of stone and nights filled with attempts at erasing the memories which made it all possible.

So im going to name my little girl "Karma" so that when people say "Karma's a bitch" i can be like "yeah i know, thank you sir".

it's about life

So now i have a secret which i fear to announce online considering that ppl i actually know read this sometimes. But...it's pretty big. The only two ppl in the real world who know it are Lucy and jessie.

Now you may ask why my best friend hasnt been informed?

1) it concerns her. she would freak out. no im not even kidding.
2)Jessie and Lucy said it would be bettr if she didnt know and i worked on myself for awhile
3) I'm scared to lose her because its clear to me that for some reason my life would be absolute crap without her....scary thought when you're unhealthily attatched to one person.

But the point it..she doesnt know and she knows that im not telling her.

The other thing:
i bought krystal a dress
because i was convinced that that is what best friends do.
However, she then told me not to buy it the next day for her
[after i already did]
so i told my mom to return it.
[she didnt, but is going to tomorrow]
but i never told Krystal
because i felt like an idiot.

Mariah took it seriously and went and bought a dress. wtf? i just dont like how it sounds.
But she was in one changing room while me n jessiKem were in the other and Krystal was on the phone with her mom talking about the dress and i told jessie how i had bought one for more than the price there was at the store we were at. did that make sense? yes i think so.

anyways, so then she realized that i wasnt telling her something.
and thats what prompted me to re-inform jessie about my secret
which i had already told her about when she spent the night at my house
and we were high as hell with crab rangoon in the sky.
I also told Lucy who laughed and told me she loved me no mattr what.
it was comforting because i know what krystals reaction would be....

it wouldnt be pretty and im scared for that.

damnit my mom is a bitch. i've ee sleeping since i got home at 5:30 and she's been fuckin bothering me every fuckin half hour to either wake up or come downstairs for food. im not fuckin hungry god dammit. so the i ake the comp upstairs so i can blog before i pass out...and she fucking just waltzs right in my room without even fuckin knocking. what a god damn bitch. if it werent for my friends, seriously i would have killed her a long time ago.

gtg. the bitch is bitching. surprise.

Jai Guru Deva

Pools of Sorrow
Waves of Joy

Jai Guru De Va

Adjective for September 30th, 2007: Unsatisfactory.

yesterday, i saw Across The Universe. it was amazing. but i knew it would be. not a shockr.

And JessiKem got to spend the night and she told me the secret. haha. she is my little criminal and i love her.

but thats no the point.
She left me the donuts this morning. yummm. those r all gone now. and they were delicious.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
LOVE
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

thats what is waving through my speakers
and its actually putting me into a slighty more decent mood.

LOVE

so i woke up...lat-ish today. and Jessie had already left. i dont rlly remember he leaving, but i think i dreamt that someone kissed my cheek and said "bye bye rie rie" so that prolly wasnt a dream.

i can never fuckin remember shit in the mornings.

but...uhm...where was i? my mood is escalating huzzah!

but...uhm...then i had chores to do. not cool.

Krystal was supposed to come over considering she hasnt come over ot my house and spent time with her precious best friend since the Busch Trip before school started. UNCOOL.

but i called and told her not to because i was fighitng with my mom and i'd gotten myself depressed with overthinking the good things in life.

Mind you, i'm still ready to murder the women who unfortunately brought me into this heinus world, but at least my emotions are improving. and my myspace looks pretty good.

Didn't know i had one of those dija?

well heres the link in case u dont have it, which i cannot imagine how that would happen but whateve

http://www.myspace.com/themariah

yes it's very creative. haha toodles.

Jai Guru De Va

though u swear

the definition of a bad day: TODAY

i seem to have a lot of those. i will break it down for you. keep up cause im not in the mood to go slow and try to be wittily creative about any of the shit that has gone down.

Alright. We start early this morning....6:30ish. lucy calls, as usual. i answer, she tells me to wake up cause shell be here in thirty. i say okay then i hang up.

I fall back asleep.
i wake up about five minutes til pick up...and i leave her a message which i cannot remember what the hell it said cause i never remember anything in the mornings; something about dont bother picking me up cause i wanst awake and i didnt want to be.

So i tried to go back to sleep. usually this works since my mom doesnt have a job and doesnt wake up til 9ish therefore doesnt realize im not gone. pretty swell. but she was up...and so was my stepdad. so i got about 30-45 minutes of extra sleep.

i get to school and enter third period tardy [at least it was excused] only to sit down [ready for naptime] and hear our flamboyant teacher start bitching about how nobody seems to care about his subject.


...its religion. what does he expect? it doesnt count towards college unless ur going to a religiously affiliated university...and barely anybody is even considering that shit.
So that was bad. uh...seventh period was okay. eighth period we had mr. Gordon as our substitute and he loves me so i got to go to guidance and sign up for my college visits and my first SAT test that actually counts. Makes me kinda nervous. November 3rd....i take the first test towards my future. fuckall!

then chemistry came. i did not understand a damn word in that class. seriously. not a single word. something about 02 plus S8 equals SO2 and thompson and dalton and mulliken or whatever the names are. fifth period comes...i cannot even remember...oh wait yes i can. we were in the language lab which is...odd for american history to be in the spanish/french/latin comp room but whateve. We're doing a project and my partner slightly annoys me. We're doing Lafeyette. or however the fuck u spell it.

and then sixth period.
obviously i didnt hang out with Krystal.
cause she has band.
which i cannot [still] accept.
and it pisses me the fuckall.
but i went to the lab.

and put myself into a better mood by reading the transcript of Eddie Izzard's dress to kill. haha. it was hilarious...but its why i wasnt blogging.

Then Mrs. Bonanno...my ex-bio teacher whos class i failed and who had a certain...interest in me due to attitude and class performance last year decided to scan ym computer which means that she checked which site i was on.

So she started fucking with me.

"whatcha looking at, mariah?"

"its for my history project?"

"oh rlly?"

"yes. i can show you"

"go one then"

so i show her the joke that Eddie makes about General Lafeyette and George Washington. She isnt impressed.

"Do you think thats a site you should be on?"

"Well its for ym project"

"But do u think its appropriate"

"i guess not"

"dont have an attitude. can i not have a conversation with you without you having attitude?"

"sorry" [im not rlly. i still have an attitude]

"so...this isnt appropriate so..."

"im going to log off right now and not return to it when im at school"

"good"

"yeah. bye"

the funny thing is that i had my phone open next to me and she didnt even notice, but she noticed a harmless yet hilarious comedians transcript site i was on.

come on!

so that went bad.

Then comes math. The other class i cannot stand because i feel so stupid. i dont understand simple things. i need an energy drink...which i had already had about 5.

but i was falling asleep. she kept having to wake me up.

So then add in Law Studies...which involved work therefore i could not sleep.

An hour before practice. i discover that Lucy is mad at me because Joe tells me that "she doesnt like u messing with our relationship"

are u kidding me? if it werent for me...he wouldnt have confronted her and thye would still be unsure of whether they were breaking up or not right now. i fuckin helped. i always fuckin do. i do better with other peoples relationships than mine.

and then it just went downhill. i had a bad practice and i dont feel like typing anymore. i'll so some more blogging later or tomorrow or something. im goin to bed.

amped

i just threw away my energy drink.
i had to...so i could get into the library.

but i wouldnt have had to if i could stay in the band room with krystal and just eat lunch there.

now im pissed. u have no idea....im shaking.

She told me to quit being a bitch about it.

"mariah stop being such a bitch about this"

....are u kidding me? of course i would be pissed...who wouldnt? everyone else seems to get it but her. i hate how shes the only person who never seems to know..even though shes my "best friend" off playin her fricken baritone instead of at least pretending like she gives a s rats ass about me.

The dream couple is getting better. Bu they've sworn not to involve anyone...i think its because Lucy got jealous because Joe would talk to me about how he was feeling and i would convince him to talk to her and then i would convey everything he said to me to her and visaversa. you know what i mean? its just an idea.

And poor Jessie. shes the one im mostly worried about. She's cut off from all of us. Her homeroom is in main, the only class she has with any of us is Chem which she shares with Krystal and Lucy, but not me. I feel like i seriously never see her which doesnt help that shes grounded until Oct 8th. What worse--Lucy has made Jessie second, maybe even third, in her life since she has Joe. Exactly what happened to Jessie is what i dont want to happen to me while Krystal dates the stupid selfish and inconsiderate bob. i cannot stand him worth anything at all. seriously.

Today...Lucy called at 6:40 to wake me up "be there in thirty"

damn. i stayed in bet til 6:55. then jumped in the shower, threw clothes on and made my way outside. and as soon as i got outside....Lucy was pulling up before i could even get it out of my backbag to hit. so maybe thats part of my problem...i feel so shaky because i havent gone without it in the mornings since before my mom left last February. Point is...i was tired as hell.

So i get to school....its not that bad of a start. it becomes funny when i walk in...throw my stuff and then fall and go back to sleep. someone mutters "double-shot expresso" and i shoot up like a catepult. "HECK YES I WANT SOME COFFEE!!" so i survive on coffee until...chemistry.

oh no. the chem re-take. the reason why im so tired. i was up ALL night trying to learn a months worth of material before sunrise. I had Kat and Krystal [trig honors students and smart chem kids] online typing me step by step instructions on figuring all these weird conversions out on the sample test. they helped SO much. but i was up all night perfecting my Scientific notation, significant figures, temperatures, density, and mass, distance, volume, conversion stuff.

CHem class come...im stressing like crazy---and i NEVER stress. it was weird...i pullled a Krystal...where i completely spaz about a test and end up second-guessing myself to a low grade. not good.

However there is a plus side.
He gave us the answer key so we could see what we did right and wrong. i got the majority of them right, but the problem was that i didnt finish the last nine. So i quickly completed them and only got a minues five.

Even better? hes putting the test and the key online and giving us the oppurtunity to show our work and fix our mistakes. then he's going to average the 2 grades together for a test grade.

Theres no way to fail that...THE ANSWERS ARE ON THE DAMN COMPUTER AND THE TEST IS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU not even I can fail that...and i've never passed a take-home test. sad. pathetic. oh well.

so that chem test is in the bag...thank god.
but then go to history...where my day turns sour. last period...i walk in to class to discover that a group i participated in recieved a D for our group project. i was like WHAT a D??! ar eu kidding me?

the teacher kinds likes me...he thinks im funny and he knows that i know my history like harry potter books. So i go and explain to him. i think i did a pretty good job.

i said "Sir, the requirements for the project were that it had to be original, entertaining, factual, organized, and everyone had to participate. We got four out of 5 because we can deduce that it wasnt that factual, but thats not the point. The point is that 4/5 does not deserve a D because we worked hard on it and it was one of the better presentations. YOU even laughed and enjoyed it. So it deserves at least a C if not a B"

It worked damn well. He took a class vote and reconsidered explaining that it wasnt like he meant to give us a D...he just used a rubric and didnt even think about what he was grading. thats rlly conforting. but...that means that grade isnt that bad.

Then we took our history test.
damn.
i failed.
its the same as if i took a test on the insignificant facts in the sixth HP book.
I know most of them, and i know the general common knowledge, but i cant get u specifics and stuff without brushing up on my info.

So i failed. damn. and my essays? complete bull. I confused The battle of Princeton with the battle of Treton ....which i think is the one with Forst Ticonderoga on xmas eve after corssing the deleware, but i know i was wrong when i said Princeton was the battle where the british won but the americans suffered less severe losses....because that was bunker hill which i realized after is was too late. damn.

Then i got clalled down to the dean's office. not good. got a saturday school for skipping 2 detentions. SHIT. and some dumb teacher freakin lied to Dean Higgans because i know i was nowehre near the cafe yesterday....i wa sin the band room the entire time so wtf.

and now im at sixth where im in the shitty library illegally on a blog site which i still dont know if they're allowed...my best friend is in band probably having a fan-fucing-tastic time and im completely looking forward to the arrival of two boys who i canr stand but at least they are someone to talk to. one of them actually ust walked in. god this sucks. i have been reduced to this?

oh how the mighty have fallen.
but appearently im a bitch for being subjecting to this and hating every fuckin second. this blows.

With a little help from my friends...

I get by with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends
oh, im gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody?
i need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
i want somebody to love.

Yes. thats how i feel. I love my friends. Krystal, Lucy, Jessie, Lisa, Mikael, Jacob, Kat, Joe, and Sylvan. Then there are others....like say Kevin, Aidan, Marie, and Elizabeth. People who i dont rlly hang out with outside of school but help me get through shitty school days.

I've noticed a certain....irritation about today.
it was supposed to be a good day.
obviously, as mentioned in my last blog, it wasnt.
It actually rather sucked.

Here is my life: no romantic prospects. I mean, there's Jordan....but he's an asshole who only wants me for sex. thats 1. Then there is Josh who is a cute little crush but shows NO signs of interest whatsoever. that could be 2. There's also someone else in my history class, but thats a not gonna happen. I'll count that as 3. Let's also add in Paul, Nick, Mikael and Jacob. Oh yeah and we cant forget the slight attraction to whats-his-name in my english class. thats....1...2...3....4 5 6 7...8?

wow. that is so whorish. Im not even hooking up with all of them [I WISH]. i've only kissed...4 of them and thats pretty good for someone who has a slighty permiscious view of life.

I'm actually trying to stop that. I would like to try and settle.

which is ironic because Lucy and Joe are having relationship....puntures based on settling. Lucy is kinda boringly tied down and misses getting action from other guys. it sounds bad when i say it like that, but honestly, i can understand her completely. which is really not good.

I mean. there will always be...

Kat and Aidan. [2 yrs]
Rachel and Ryan. [1.5 yrs]
Millie and Anthony.[...almost a year]
Lindsey and Ryan.[1 yr]
Lisa and Sylvan. [...LONG time]
Lucy and Joe.[4 mths]


I'm not even kidding. i seriously view Lucy and Joe as inseperable even though they havent been dating for that long. They've just become a couple so much in my life...its unimaginable. no joke.

im about to fall asleep over my keyboard. so ima go to bed now. niy niy.

The Highs of The Lows

I wrote about that feeling...the one where you're really down and nothing can 'lift' you up, right?

yeah thats now.

i had a good day. really i did. and i was trying my hardest not to let anything bother me. i think i did a fine job.

up until now. im not sure if im allowed on blog sites on the school computer, or if in a few seconds one of the teachers will call my name, tell me to get off the computer, or simply override and exit it for me. I'm not worried, though, because im nnot doing anything wrong. and i dont remember reading blog sites on the list of things we cant go on.

i have my ID on.
my shirt is (mostly) tucked in.
I dont have any homework due.
I'm not hungry.
and i left my phone in Lucy's car this morning.

SO the term "I have nothing to do" truly applies.
Usually, on sixth period of a typical school day, i would be with my best friend enjoying lunch in the band room.

not anymore. She;s switched out.

Amazing as it is, i cant get out of my chem class and my geometry class, yet she's managed about 3 switches so far. it's completely riddiculous. Something always stops me....when she's able to step forward.

She used to play baritone/trombone in low brass for our band.
This year she switched to colorguard with me, lucy, and lisa [and mariana].
Lisa used to play clarinet in the woodwinds last year
and sometimes, when our coach leaves, Lisa will play some stands music on Catherine's clarinet: completely harmless.

but....Krystal wanted to do that too at the last game...mom wouldnt let her.
So she started crying. it bothered her that she had to choose.
and now she has found a way where she doesnt have to choose.
She'll play baritone for concert season and colorguard for the football season.
Lisa will be doing that too.
Usually, this wouldnt have mattered to me.
I mean if she wants to do something that makes her happy then power to her.
but...there's nobody in my lunch.
and i barely see her, Lucy, Lisa or Jessie as it is.
The only person of my friends who i have a single class with....is Sylvan in math. i dont sit anywhere near him.

So on days like this, where everything just sucks...i rlly want to go home but i cant stand being there when i could possibly not be. that make sense?

but there has been some good news: Lindsey is back.
She's not dead which was a real worry...im not even kidding.
She flipped her car because she couldnt see when a peice of paper blocked her vision.

when i say 'flipped', i mean FLIPPED THE EFF OVER. i've seen the pictures. her carpool is lucky to be alive in my opinion and all she had is a few scratches and bumps.

She's riding home with Krystal today who cannot parallel park to save her life. honestly.

and this is why i avoid the hassels of driving: danger. responsibility. money.

I have work tonight...woo hoo....NOT

yes let's make the announced athiest who got expelled from SCS go coordinate the youth ministry at the same church that kicked her out! good idea!

just keep repeating

today is going to be a good day today is going to be a good day because no matter what happens it's my attitude that makes it good or bad. today is going to be a good day. today is going to be a good day because i want it to be. because i need it to be.

yeah this is NOT working. damn. twenty 3 minues remaining. this year is going to suck.

Nothing's gonna change my world...

It's the euphoric pleasure of being out of the house,

the immense satisfaction of being invited

the reward of submissing to the whim of the crowd

and loving every fuckin second

From one extreme to the next,

Everything's going to be fine

you go from your lowest

and then you feel like you're tripping balls high

eventually you sink a little

the adrenaline rush dwindles

and the passion blows away

even though that esctatic swelling inside your heart has left

just remembering that it was there

is enough to plant a smile and watch it grow

Nothing can bring you down

but nothing can lift you up

so stay in the middle

and enjoy it while it's there

because as soon as your ready to cherish it...it'll disappear

you'll be depressed immensly or immensly giddy

it's a shame we cant always balance in between

but if we stopped traveling from top to bottom

then we would have nothing to talk about

when we're stumbling in the center

----mfa

I had a good day yesterday. and a good night. and i've had a good morning. planning on a good tomorrow. Life is good.

every little thing...

• is gonna be alright. singing dont worry. about a thing
  cause every litte thing. is gonna be alright.
  
  had my doctors appointment today. went....bad =[ cause he told me not to spin anymore. but i am anyways. oh well. i have a chip fracture and i have tro wear a brace.
  
  we're supposed to get an MRI on monday...but we cant afford one =[
  oh fuckin well...i didnt rlly care either way.
  
  THE QUARTTETT HAS BEEN DISSOLVED
  
  but dont worry...this is a good thing. we dissolved the quarttett mutually in its labeled form because...its extra pressure. not only that but after everything that Lisa has done for me...i cant stand making her and our other friends feel bad. now that i know the feeling.
  
  *THE AWARD CEREMONY *
  this is where i am going to give out the awards based on friendhsip
  here are the categories and finalists.
  
  BEST UNDERSTANDING
  Jessie JessiKem MM
  
  BEST AT TALKING AND MAKING THINGS BETTER
  Lucy Lulu CG
  
  PHSYCOLOGIST AND "THERE 4 MARIAH" AWARD
  Lisa Licer LS
  
  BEST BOYFRIEND AWARD
  Joe Jay AC
  
  FUNNIEST & MOST AWKWARD MAKE UP EVER AWARD
  Sugarplum Krystal Meth LaBalls
  
  and thats my award show. needless to say, everything is better now. i dont rlly feel like typing..since my hand is in a brace and all plus im hungry and i dont want my mom pissed at me. so ima go
  
  lol. everything is all better now. =D nothing to worry about errr. right? haha toodles
  
  

Faults.

I said i would do this. I already started and im sticking to it.

so why am i crying? When i broke up with the quarttett, i knew i would miss them. I knew that i would feel bad when they were off doing things with each other and i wasnt, but i imagined that i would have Mikael and jacob by my side. Maybe even Lisa or Kat.

Today just fucked that all up. And i dont think i've ever felt lower.
I texted with lisa and Lucy. I said i was fine. they dont know that i wont be there tomorrow either. I didnt feel it necessary to explain. It didnt even sound like they missed me. At all. texted Krystal too...because i dont understand the religion homework. No response. and mariah drops one notch lower.

So i call Bennett. I ask him to come over after his photogaphy meeting to come and see me because im feeling low and depressed. I say that he can bring other people...i say this because im hoping beyong hope that he'll make Lucy or Krystal or Jacob come with him...because i want to see them all. but he comes alone.

I call jacob to see if he wants to come hang out...but he's in a car with Lucy and Krystal. They're laughing and having a good time in the backround. Another notch down.

He asks them when he'll be back...i can hear a muffled response and then he tells me that they wont be back until later. Another notch lower.

So i hang up. Lucy and Krystal and Jacob were off having a good time and i was ready to kill myself. And what puts me in the worse funk of my entire life is that...if i hadnt brokwn up with the quarttett...then i would be with them.

So i almost suck it up..call them....explain things to them and apologize.

but i said i would do this and i need to stick with it.

This is one of those times i wish i could drive. I would simply drive me and Mikael to go get ice cream...or go get something. we could go to the mall and do something fun. I dunno...it just...i needed to hear my friends voices...and all i got was some noise in the backround. now i feel like shit.

I want to cheer myself up so bad...but my stepdad took my moms car and so the both of us are just stuck in this house. i dont have any money either. So theres nothing to do, im bored out of my mind and feeling an my all-time lowest. god. this plain old sucks.

now im getting irritated with myself.

Can i not last a week without them? am i that attatched? am i such a freakin baby that i cry when they're off together. but i feel as if Jacob was mine...and now he's theirs. and all thats left is me and Mikael. He didnt mean anything by it, but Jacob hurt me. And now, i know, there will be a wall. and i feel horrible, but i cant help it.

So now i will drink my arizona tea and cry. I'll hope that nasty salty tears do not mix with m drink. because then it would be just as sour as everything else in my life...and it would be entirely my fault.

Home Home on the Range...

where the dogs and mariah will play...

with bacon and eggs
to make us puke kegs...

and we sleep and cry in bed all day....ooo!

home home on the range....

yeah. thats been my day so far. this sucks.
im not at school...
and im not contacting any of my friends....because it's not their problem [once again]

i have that appointment tomorrow morning. so I'll be late to school...(again!). God its turning into last year. i cant stand it.

And none of my friends have even texted.
nobody has called
or seen whats up.
wow. i sure feel loved.
this is great...
just me, mom, n nick.
fun fun double fun.
thank you god for making this happen.

...no wonder im not a fuckin catholic.

maybe there is a god, wtf do i know.

I've spent almost four years being an athiest. I've enjoyed it. It makes sense to me. I have a good reason to have lost my faith. but during those four yars, it has been instilled in me to say things like "I hope to god..."
"please god..." and stuff like that. I dunno if it's the catholic Indoctrination or my subconscience trying to guide me...but recently i am willing to admit that there could quite possibly be a god. However, it does not mean it is the catholic god they preach about.

Mariah's Views on God and Religion:
-a priest is no holier than someone in the congregation.
-a priest is not a window to god
-if u want to talk to god, pray
-dont pray out loud...because it's between u and god
-dont try to convert people. if they want to see it your way then your god will help them along the path
-god doesnt care if u go to church
-god only cares if u are a true believer. if u believe in your very heart and soul that he is real and that u love him and u put faith in him...then you will be welcomed into heaven
-the bible is all made up. Scenario: an old potsmoker was fortunate enough to come across a Scribe's mansion in the desert after days from escaping prison for theift. He breaks into the home while they are sleeping and steals the papyrus and ink. He finds himself clever. He knows how to write, considering he was quite noble and wealthy before the drugs and evil way of life consumed him. He begins to tell of a story to save his soul...he believed that someone will save him one day. He rights the story of the old Testament, will notes and family lineage. All of the stories are based on the ones he himself have witnessed first hand or have imagined through his creative insentive. He finishes the Old Testament in seven years and then moves on to the New Testament. here, he plans to fulfill those promises his main charatcer made for a new messiah. He writes about a messiah because he knows that in his real life, he could use one. The New testament finishes and his book is complete. A few weeks after completion, he is captured and his belongings are seized. They are then auctioned off to the people. When the crowd gets ahold of these stories and talltales, they begint o preach and worship them like real thing. The Author, our common theif, gets a huge thrill out of this. Little would he know that billions and billions of year later we would be preaching and basing almost every aspect of out lives off of that stupid book full of stories fromt he musings of an old crackpot. the end. Whether thats truly what happened or not...you get the point.
-Humans have no authority to convert, excommunicate, lay down theological laws, or any of that.
-the ten commandments? maybe they are real...we would know considering someone locked them up in the arc of the covenant and now we cant find them. If we find them...i shall change my mind and renig everything i've said. because that would be a sure sign of a god or jesus.
-We know nothing of history. So for all we know, all the info we have is wrong.
-and finally...i make my own desicions. the belief that god is making my desicions or that he gave me free will is enough to piss me off. I will make my own way without the help of a 'god' or any other wannabe installed higher power. got it?

powerful views for a little kid, huh? thats what i would like to think. heres the catch: just because im borderline agnostic and still slightly athiest, does nto mean these views change. i feel too strongly for that.

but here is the simple reason why i think god exists. call me stupid or whatever, but it's what made me start to think.
I had to go make up a religion test [coincidence]. i was completely failing this class with a 7%...which is the second worse grade I've ever gotten [i onmce had a -2% in spanish]

but i walk into the room after school to take my test...i had plans to go see my friends, but he was ebing nice and instead of giving me a zero for missing my original test date, i was told to come after school. but im in a hurry. so i walk in and i say "just give me the test...i dont need the review...just the test im in a hurry"

so i start the test...and then he starts the review...AT THE SAME TIME! so he's got the test in his hands...asking the questions...getting the answers from the class...and then going over and giving the correct answers. OH MY GOD. needless to say i got a high grade. and for some reason...just the coincidence of it all...made me think "damn. someone had my back"

stupid, and it doesnt mean im a god-fearing jesus freak, but maybe there is something that has this habit of ruining ym life and then saving my ass.

anways, this staying at home shit is enough to kill someone. i should be at school. i'm getting into an argument with Asshole over cellphones at school. this is riddiculous. i wanna fuckin leave this damn house and go to fuckin school!

The Break-up Song

I broke up with the Quarttett.

The Quarttett: Me, Sugarplum [K, Krystal] Lulu [Lucy, L, Lu], and JessiKem [J, Jess, Jessie]

the four of us are best friend...err....were.

I broke off with the quarttett for two reasons which i will explain fully.

Reason 1-

Last year i went through some serious stuff with my family. My school got involved which only made it worse for me. I ended up intertwining those problems with the ones at school. I thought it would be easier to include my best friend...but i thought it would be easier for me. When i pulled her into this mess...along with her family...i ended up loosing her as a friend. We still talk...but we're not friends anymore because of everything that i did to make it easier on myself without thinking about the people around me.

The same thing is happening this year. It's kind of serious stuff, but it's nothing i cant handle. Eventually, i know it will get better just like last time. And i want so much to pull the Quarttett into it and be able to talk to them, cry with them, and everything. but i dont want to because i dont want what happened between me n Klee to happen between me and them. So...the "breaking of the Quarttett" is much based on me not wanting to hurt them...salf sacrificing enough for ya? yea...

I'm also aware that they cannot handle my mood swings that this family issue brings me. I can go from 'fine and happy' to 'omfg kill me' to 'im going to kill you' to 'im so sad i want to die' to 'let's go get ice cream im in a great mood'....ya get it? I can barely handle myseld...i cant expect them to accomodate me and deal with the bullshit i will undoubtfully bestow upon the Quarttett. That's REASON A

Reason 2-
I am very co-dependent. Which scares me.
Open scenario: i call krystal on Saturday to see what she's up to...but she out with Lucy. i try not to let it bothr me but for some reason it absolutely KILLS me because i needed nothing more than to get out of my house form all this shit and see my friends...but they were busy with each other. i was invited, but didnt hear the phone ring once. Which tells me they didnt try hard enough as it is a known fact that u have to call multple times to get an anwer out of me or anyone who resides within this household.

So i end up feeling like shit all day because they had some quality K/L time. Thats not right. They should be bale to go hang out without me...and i shouldnt begrudge them that. but i couldnt help it.

Because i am "Unhealthily attatched" to my friends. What i mean, is that if im not getting almost constant attention from at least one of them...then i get moody, depressed, pissed, and sad all at the same time.
I hate feeling like this. So i am stopping it. THATS REASON B

my solution? I need to find myself. I need to depend on myself...work through the problems in my life...maybe do some homework...pass a test or something. I need to spend an evening doing my favorite things with not a care in the world...away from the computer...just by myself. Maybe paint my room or clean up the baclyard. it doesnt sound like fun...but i need room for my thoughts. I need to clear my head and rethink what my life is based on and what i want to do with my future due to my past. I can do this best by the Quarttett giving me space and Me going on my own a bit.

I still love them. A lot. probably too much. but im simply takin a break. understandable? You would think so. but its not.

I had the hardest time explaining this to them. Krystal was the hardest. Like...for the first time she was saying things that really affected me. Stupid shit like "I care" and "tell me whats wrong i wanna help you" "i'll always be there for you"

just simple stupid shit that made me cry. which bothers me, but i have sensitive tear glands. She got kinda pissed at me. But it was wearing off by lunchtime. We sat in the band room and had a nice conversation like usual about her and her boyfriend[ the one that me and Joe, Lucy's boyfriend, hate]

All in all, thanks in large part to Mikael [D'mitri], Jacob [Jay, Jaco, jake] and Lisa [Lice, lis, li, l] i made it until after school.

then it just hit me like...wow.

it was actually Lucy who made it happen. Lucy was really pissed when she left my house after i tried explaining to her. it did not go well at all. Then i thought she was accepting it.

Lucy [to k]: dont forget your money tomorrow!
mariah[to L]: for what?

then Mariah gets this look from Lucy...i get the look and then she practically blows me off in a cruel 'you asked for this' kind of way
before she says "T-Shirts"
whcih i opted out of when i was being pissed and moody

so that threw me into a handled depression that i was able to keep in check for the walk to ym house to get K's car.

then we got back to school in the hallway. Mikael and Jacbo werent there to comfort me...
and it was Max on the bass paying sad chords...and Jessie and Krystal right next to me. And i wanted to cry. so i got up and walked away. which im sure pissed of krystal cause she seemed in a bad mood.

and so i ask the ultimate question...


Why am i doing this?

Reason 1 and Reason 2

Lisa says: because ur trying to find yourself.

well why is this so fucking hard. why cant i simply be with my friend cause they care about me and i need the comfort? why is this so difficult...i have to make problems in the relationship because i feel self-pity. god.

as if u couldnt tell, im in a horrible mood. as added to the fact that she's online, im on away message and a million dollars says that we wont IM tonight. and for some reason that really makes me want to cry.

The Worst Day Ever

it starts with the game on friday.

i last blogged on thursday, right? So, friday was the football game.

no coach, no mariana. just us. AND WE DID AMAZING! had fun dancing, practicing, doin the show...everything. we looked good had a new hairstyle...everything.

but...Sugarplum and her boyfriend sat up front, as per the rule. Lu and Joe did, too. kat and Aidan....lots of ppl sat upfront without me...i sat back with Lisa who was flirting with Steve the entire time. Jessie was flirting with max and Danielle was throwing herself at kevin....therefor i had NOBODY to talk to. it was a sad ride there. which mde me kinda pissed when it got there.

but i eventually got over it. there were a few times when i would try to talk to Sugarplum but she wouldnt even hear me cause of asshole pinprick bob. i hate him for that. cause i hate not getting attention from my bestest friend.
but...it was still fun.

i had invited sugarplum to spend the night after the football game, but she couldnt since she couldnt get a ride. so i called Lu and asked if she wanted to give sugarplum a ride, i wouldpay for gas, and we could all go hang out or something. she said she didnt feel like driving to kissimmee and i apologized for trying to make her into my own personal chauffer.

So saturday [taday], i call sugrplum to see wuddup...but she is with Lu at the mall. Lu went and piked her up. they went to the mall together.

appearently they called, but i didnt hear the phone. ordinarily, you would call again, right? but they only called once.

so i end up feeling like shit the rest of the day.


I break up with my boyfriend. that was fun. we're still hanging out tomorrow
but i told him how i kissed another boy and he was hurt. we're not togethe,r but we're still friends. we've both had a bad week.

so im still upet at my friends for doing this, and thank god i have D'mitri around to talk to or i would be done.


I have discovered god.

he comes in a coffe cup filled with iced cappuccino mix made with powder and fat free skim milk. yum. and that juice of the lord is the reason i am able to talk to you all and am still awake.

and some hot music, sexy shaving, stuff like that. needless to say, im in a better mood and i feel dumb about the whole thing. tomorrow seems brighter. im waiting for a great day =]

Did i mention that my time-management sucks?

so of course i was grounded. that was end of August-ish.

lots has happened since then. i shall fill you in. THe first football game ended with a BANG. we did first song and a little bit of the beginning of second, in which i screwed up on. I tried to give D'mitri a hug, but band isnt allowed affection while in uniform. That was first game.

Then second week life progressed. Nothing too important happened. I've been in a distressed depressed mood lately, due to not having a party hard junior year as i was expecting and random other things that just piss me off.

bands practices, classes, fights with mom, loosing my phone, full tights, putt putt golf, and NOT seeing my boyfriend in a LONG time...not to mention cheating on him ensued. It's been a hectic few weeks.

And then we get to second game of the year; last friday.

ick yuck bleh.

we did first song okay and were supposed to know second song and drill. we did fine until the categorized "salmon" part where we look like we're swimming upstream with our flags. then we all kinda...stopped. we looked around, could not for the life of us get back in. it was one of those "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING! OMG!"

hilarious, but disappointing. that will never happen again.

So now, we reach Thursday of the fourth week of school. We're well into September and past the eleventh of pain.

The quarttett [me, sugarplum, L and J] have grown apart. we hardly see each other, never hang out, and dont even think about each other that much. so tomorrow before the ga,e we're having a picnic infront of our school with no one else invited so there!

we now have first song complete, second song complete and third song begun. i hate it cause it has dance which i cant stand.

anyways, my current problem?

I ONLY HAVE ONE GAME FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW AND I CANT ET AHOLD OF MARIANA SO SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HRS SINCE SHE WONT BE AT THE SHOW TONIGHT! GOD DAMN!

nothing i can do. im so fucked.

at least Dom wont be there...and neither will Mariana. just me, Lice, L and Sugarplum.

i will get back to you soon, but i havnt been sleeping well and frankly, im pooped.

night!

Whoopsie

Last Post: August 13th


cant really post. im grounded. sorry. will get online asap!!!

The Aftershock

currently my boyfriend is hopped up on energy drinks and bouncing off the walls.

He's crazy, I'm telling ya, but he's so cute when hes saying stuff all quick cause he's had about 10 different stimulaters. It's adorable!

and today would be the first time i instigated "I love you". We were talking and i said it first...then he said it back. Thats the first time i've said it. Sometimes i would type it, but that doesnt count.

I am officially still sick. because my mom said im warm...because my throat hurts...and because i keep caughing and sniffling. It's disgusting.
I probably got Nick sick....shit, i know i sure as hell gave him something if not a disease ;-P just kidding.

Okay, so here's a tip for nicotine-addicted teenagers around the globe. you see, my mom smokes and it is through awesome power and deliberation that i have come to smoke the exact same cigarettes as she does. The only difference is that mine are 'lights' and hers are not. This isnt a problem. Here's ur tip: smoke the same kind as ur parent/guardian. it makes life easier. kick them out of the house. Fake being sick [unless u r really sick...like i am now] and let them go run errands on their own. While they're gone...wait five minutes after they leave and then go have a couple cigarettes. Use ur time wisely! if they are going to CVS right around the corner then you might only have time for half of one, but if they're hitting up Home Depot and the Mall on the other side of town then just make sure you're keeping track so u dont always assume u have plenty of time. Seriously it works.

for example: right now my mom is going to drive to my school which is an 8 minute walk away and get my uniforms. This should take no more than like 10 minutes: time for one cigarette if i plan it correctly.

Always make sure that when they come back you are in the same place you were when they left. makes them think u havent moved. Wash ur hands but dont put on spray or perfume...too obvious. They say they can...but they really cant recognize the smell of their own cigarettes unless they smell ur fingers or your breathe. Eat a cookie or something. Then u good.

:-)
As Always,
Rie Rie

Date with the Boyfriend

It was simple. Breakdown of the day:

Around 400 Lu came over to do my makeup and choose my outfit. We also met the tenant hopefuls for our little cottage in the backyard. They were nice people. The lady is a fantasy freak like muah. i like them. Anyways.

Then Lu left. My mom went and bought 2 packs of Newports. Not for me, but or kathy.
She is a really close friend. her and her sister, kelly, are freakin awesome. Unfortunately, their mom is dying and is in the hospital. I've known kathy since i started lee Middle school November of 2004. So we're good friends. She needed cigarettes and my mom loves her so she went and got them for her. Sometimes my mom is so great i love her.

Um...to carry on...
then mommy and i went to the Altamonte Springs mall for the backpack i want for school nd some tanktops. we went to Chiles for dinner.

and FINALLY it was date time. Before the movie, because he is amazing, he let me smoke a cigarette. thank god i was dying! Then we saw the Simpsons movie.

here's my review: Not really fall out of your seat funny, but there were a few good parts. Not predictable fr the most part. adult humor with a sense of chilish immaturity. Nothing too crude but it gets on the edges. it was usefully nice.

but then again, i didnt watch the WHOLE movie. i was a tad busy ;-)

and then afterwards? He let me smoke AGAIN!?
he is so amazing. we had fun.
I had fun.
He's great.
and i love him =]

got into another fight with Sugarplum. but it was so stupid it seriously ended like this:

Sugarplum: this is gay. im done fighting.
Rie Rie: yeah done!

wait i forgot something!

About two minutes ago my mother told me to wheel the garbage to the street which reminds me! Last week...it was Wednesday or Thursday i think...Prolly Wednesday, but i met a boy! Not a boy like Nick, obviously but this was just a friendboy i met and he was so cute but its a fun story...listen...


So im sick, i dont feel well...ive been wearing the ame clothes for three days. i havent showered. my hair is a mess and i walk like the living dead. Then i have to take ou the garbage which simply adds to my stinky-ness. And i turn my head and see the MOST GORGEOUS blonde skater ever. And he's looking in my direction.
Half of me is like "fuck him i dont give a shit" but the other half is like "God dammit of course a really cute guy comes by when i look and feel like shit"
But he stopps boarding and kinda look at me. So here's our conversation:

Rie Rie: what?!
Blonde Boy: Dove, right?
Rie Rie:....huh?
Blonde Boy: You use Dove deoderant, right?
[at this point, i am so bamboozled and confused by him because i know i havent used deoderant in like 3 days. so i stare]
Blonde Boy: well i ue it too and i figured you must've just started using it and were testing to see if there were white lines.
Rie Rie: [finally snapping] Alright what the fuck are you talking about?
Blonde Boy: Your shirt is inside out...

[PAUSE AND DEFEATED ROAR because god dammit he was right!] so we get to talking for like 2 1/2 to 5 minutes of lame discussion. I hand him my phone and he hands me his and we give out our numbers, but as he's skateboarding away i realize that i never got his name...so i check my phone and the only new number is under the name "The One"

haha it was so cheesy, cute and romantic i had to write it down. Im about to delete it from ym phone anyways. Because i believe he was just messing with me. He's not going to call and Lord knows i wont call when i have aboyfriend (i prolly wouldnt call anyway) but my friends keep threatening me to call so i must get rid of the number...at least our of my phone. lol.

I love you Nick...if you're reading this and you shouldnt be worried cause you are so much sweeter. =D

The End of Childhood...

It hath beeneth a busyeth feweth dayseth

...that was fun to write! aha!

Today is...Sunday? Yes it's sunday. I last wrote on Friday? So here's a breakdown.

Friday...I didnt really clean my room like i was supposed to but i told my mom is was fairly clean [which is only a little white lie] so she let me leave with Lu when she came to pick me up. On the car ride to the Altamonte Mall, Lu and I got on the subject of giving head and i joked about having a banana to practice on...

And then i "Jackass Dared" her to get the banana and give it head. Jackass Dares can only be things that are plausible... funny... doable... fun... or not too horrible...you know what i mean? And if the dare falls within those lines then you CANT say no. you HAVE to do it. Now, we've never had someone say no...we've had the oppurtunity leave so the person couldnt do it...but if it's there they dont have a choice. So Lu had to buy bananas...we said we would do it on the way home from the mall and movie...so we get to the mall and we check out Forever 21 and a few other places within before stopping for lunch at the foodcourt. Around this time, J shows up! So now the three of of us conitnue to frolick and have fun around the mall. Around seven we went to see Stardust [WHICH KICKED SERIOUS TNMT ASS]

on the ride home we were looking for Bananas after having explained the situation to J...now...this is crazy because they came together and jackass Dared me to go ask the lady for condoms and buy them. We were also supposed to buy them together, but they changed that. So i went up and asled the lady for the ultra thin lubricated condoms. I felt horrible.

The poor lady looked at me like i was throwing my life away and there was nothing she could do to save me. Thankfully, Lu bought the bananas seperately otherwise it would have been significantly MORE awkward.

lol. and dont think that we just bought the condoms and bananas and then were done with it... we went and played around. We blew up balloons...taught Lu how to give head...practiced condomizing the bananas...lol. we learned the differences between certain condoms. it was a funny funny night of laughs and learning.

All i have to say is that it rocked. lol.

Then the next morning we went to Target and the mall again.

I didnt buy anything but...

i got Sugarplum an awesome Flour de lis shirt since she wasnt there that night AND shes french. =] i also got a really cool buddha necklace...a new book....Lu and J got ALL kinds of makeup and condoms...NEW condoms in fun boxes with flavors and stuff...[we have yet to test and play with them all but it rocked] at the mall...i got a shotglass...a cellphone holder....and cool Dove Necklace...Lu got me an AWESOME pair of green underwear. cause thats my fav color. uhm....

The Day before at the mall i got a pair of sunglasses... [which rock]

uh...a cool necklace...and just ALL KINDS OF FUN STUFF. lol.

it was great. i got home and pretty much stayed on the computer all day. that was fun...However...my boyfriend told me he was in love with me. This is kinda a big deal. I've known him since seventh grade...he had a crush on me but i turned him down cause i liked a different boy. Then i cheated on that other boy with my current boyfriend at the theatre at "Phantom of the Opera" on a class trip. Nick and I didnt really stay friends when i left our school at the beginning of eighth grade for public school...but i was in church about a month or two ago with Sugarplum when i saw him and I was like WOW! and now we're dating and i guess he thinks he loves me.

which is weird for me because i dont know if i love him and he seems to really mean it. So for now i say it back but i'll let him know when i really mean it. lol. Stupid romance drama.

As Our Lives Fall Apart...

Alas, Sugarplum and I continue to discuss.

This time, it is about her boyfriend. His name is Bob. He is in our band. He is a drummer and he's also very very sexy...im not gonna lie. I have a boyfriend too....but its a knock fact that Krystal right now is dating the hottest of the quarttett boyfriends. Anyways.

Bob's parents dont let him date. Cause they're retarted. i dont understand how someone can "not let someone date". wtf?
Bob doest try very hard to date someone, we know this because in freshmen year he dated Lu for a few months. Their relationship existed mostly at school.
Well it's summertime now. Sugarplum and Bob began dating at the end of Band Camp...and now school doesnt start for another week and a half...they havent talke don the phone...or seen each other...or ANYTHING!. it's like they're not even dating! and it pisses me off because Sugarplum is so cool and pretty that she could have her pick of guys...then she finally picks a cute guy and it turns out that they are a shitty couple! grrrrr!
p.s. she is out of town and i miss her so this is when we talk =[

here is our convo via instant message:

Rie Rie: are u talking to bob-o at all while you'r up there?
Sugarplum: Uh no. He hasn't called me and i haven't been online much.
Rie Rie: ...wow. thats horrible.
Rie Rie:so much for trying, eh?
Sugarplum: Im only trying as hard as he is
Rie Rie: ....that isnt going t help much, is it?
Sugarplum: I dont want to wear myself out trying hes not going to try
Rie Rie: ...Sugarplum...omg. just call him and explain that. ask him if he really likes you and really wants to actually date. if not..then theres not point and break up but if he does then do something! call him or talk about him or something! be a girlfriend!
Sugarplum: Not now.
Sugarplum: Ill talk to him at school
Rie Rie: Your gonna wait til school to even talk to him?
Sugarplum: Well ill be busy till then
Rie Rie: ...fine. do what you want buddy...but how will u even make it to school if u dont act like gf and bf for the two weeks before. just sayin.
Sugarplum: Idk
Rie Rie: i love you. and i hope ur having fun. we miss you. =[i moinsdetrois u: Its just different that his parents dont let him date
Rie Rie: ...he coudl still talk on the phone. or go out with "friends"
Sugarplum: Yea i know but kinda afraid that he doesnt even want to try
Rie Rie: ...you have to talk to him.
Sugarplum: No but just from what Lu has told me
Rie Rie: ...you have to talk to him, Sugarplum. let him know...what do you think he'll do? laugh at you? no he'll feel bad and understand. maybe it'll get him tryin.
Sugarplum: I know i have to talk to him
Sugarplum: And i will when we get back in school
Rie Rie: yeah...perhaps a phone call? explain things.
Sugarplum: U or bob-o?
Rie Rie: why would u call me?
Sugarplum: Idk.
Sugarplum: Cuz id rather talk to him in person
Rie Rie: got it.


btw, im texting with D'mitri again and STILL talking to Sugarplum about her adventures in the other side of the globe [i.e. stupid Massechusetts]

but can you all understand my frusteration! i mean, my byofriend and i talk once or maybe twice a day. We say hi we say night....i told him iw as sick and he said he was sorry but thats because he's extremely busy partying at the beach and i have been sick! we've still talked...just not as much as we usually would...however my boyfrined doesnt go to our school. so i dont have one of those "i'll talk to him at school" lines to pull. I have to talk to him when i can and see him whenever possible. Im going to strangle her, i mean it, She never listens to me!

Recall...

Recall How i earlier informed you of my best friend's death.

Well she is alive and well. She escaped my master

debacle plan by simply buying and eating a dozen donuts from, Krispy Kreme at the time when i cut her breaks. Instead i ended up killing our old science teacher who for some unknown reason was in the car with binoculars, a recording device, and a shovel. Her body has not been found.

But Sugarplum lives and as i explain why this was necessary she begins to get a pissy attitude with me.

Rie Rie: Imagine my suffering when the phone i love and cherish begins to buzz and ring nonstop until i answer it. Appearently, i have a text message that could not have waited until i woke up!

Sugarplum: you told me to call you when i finished reading the retarted vampire book [thats my name for it...not hers] remeber?

Rie Rie: You said you would ebd one at 3 not FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

Sugarplum: but you texted me at 4:30...

Rie Rie: and then i fell into a lovely deep and awesome sleep!

Sugarplum: [pause] it's not like you've never done that to me...

Rie Rie: im just joking with you. chill the fuck out.

As you can see, our conversation did not go smoothly, but eventually she has mostly given up the attitude and opted for indignant responses to my poking and persuading for what the fuck is wrong and why she is being a bitch.

The one thing everyone in the world must learn: i always get what i want.

And i mean that. it's not in a spoiled way like i wanted a pony and my rich daddy bought it for me...but if i want something to happen and if i try hard enough...it always happens. i've never failed yet. One day Sugarplum remarked. "How do you do that?"

well its simple. I wanted Sugarplum and D'mitri to come to breakfast at Einstines bagel one morning....but the only way they could go was if their ride Jacob picked them up. And it had to be done in less than thirty minutes or they would be late. SO ic alled Jacob. i told him he had to pick up D and Sugarplum in ten minutes and then have themselves dropped off at school so i could get them. I picked them up on ym golfcart because i convinced my mom it was necessary.

and i wanted a tattoo. That only took a month of research and convincing

I also wanted a guitar when i thirteen, but not just any guitar. it had to be a nice one with blah blah and blah blah...i dont even know how to play! but i got it a couple weeks later. The biggest one: i wanted a puppy. We already have a golden named Sassy but i begged for another one. And less than a month later we were scouting for puppies. Another month later and i had my precious Doodles! Now i have two puppies, a gorgeous tattoo and a usless guitar. Anybody up for a garage sale?

I have so much uesless unk in my room and everywhere that i dont know what the fuck to do with it all! I cant bring myself to throw it all away...and organization is dull and boring. So it hink i'll juust leave it all a mess in my room. Looks pretty cool, yo.

Plans! Finally!

So this would be Friday. Alas, i am Sick. Well, not really. Actually, i was sick two days ago. My throat is slightly sore and i have a runny nose but it's nothing serious. But just between you and me...I'm deathly ill and i feel like crap. Still dont understand? Why in hell would i say i feel fine and be subjected to chores and bitching from the woman who birthed me? im smarter than that.

Anyways, Sadly i must report that my best friends has died. it was a tragic accident where i cut the brakes in her car and grinned maliciously as it rolled down a hill in Florida and landed within a fiery lake.

Well what do you expect? SHE WOKE ME UP AT 5AM TO TELL ME SHE FINISHED READING ECLIPSE! now, i understand enthusiasm for a book. I, myself, am i known harry Potter addict...but Texting me so my phone is nonstop buzzing and clanging to inform me that i missed a text at FIVE IN THE MORNING?! who would do that? so i had to punish her. She is dead now and will not be joining me on our trip to wherever the hell we're going next weekend. Oh well. She had a nice long life.

Actually, the plans for next weekend are still up...we just dont know where the hell we're going. it's a battle between my Family Reunion and a party weekend at Vero Beach. Personally...I'd chose the Reunion..






FUCK NO I WOULDNT! i want to go party at the beach with my best friend and possibly my boyfriend if i can get him to come and visit! Why in hell would i go the the family reuinion? certainly not to reunite with family that i dont even like...thats crazy!

In other news, J and Lu are coming to get me today. Thank the Lord!I have been locked in this insane asylum for about a week now...since Tuesday. I got sick on Wednesday. it is now...Saturday, isnt it? Is it Saturday or Friday?. i dont know for Fuck's sake! How am i supposed to know? i only know important stuff like all the middle names of every Harry Potter Characters and who is actually good-looking in the eleventh grade this year.

Thats what year im in, by the way. I am in the class of 2009 and it's mighty fine. I go to a private school that has a tendency to read blogs and then try to expel you for their content. Well they can kiss my ass because im sick of being opressed by the MAN. haha.

currently i am listening to Party like a Rockstar and feeling Lonely because my text buddy: D'mitri is out of service...or my phone is retarted cause it wont sen my messages and keeps saving them in the outbox.
D and I textso freaking much..he's the majority of my texts along with a bunch from my best friend and a few from ym boyfriend. They're the only ones who text me...but D'mitri makes up for a bunch of people not texting me because we text for hours discussing either the dumbest things or the coolest things.

Anyways, J, Lu and I are going to see Stardust and go to the mall, probably, and thenspend the night at J's. I'm kinda excited, but i really do have a cough and i dont want to get them sick. But it's not as if im not constantly up for risk of the mono infection when i hang with them. lol. im just kidding. Only K has gotten mono and im not saying how!!

I should probably go, yo, but I'll be back either later or tomorrow or something! i got me some chores to do so i can ge tthe fuck out of here!