october 27 2007

tomorrow. oh god.

i just wasted ten minutes bitching at krystal. it didnt even start that way. i was fine. i was just telling her about Lucy and Joe. then we started talking about Jacob. and she said something that sorta sounded mean the way i read it. and then i guess i just went downhill from there.

because im so sad and angry after four fuckin years. And i blame that expulsion on everything. every fucking thing in my life went wrong after that.

and i keep thinking that my friends dont really like me. because thats what happened before. they sold me out and fuckin ruined my life. they made me this way.

oh god. if i hadnt gone to Lee Middle then i wouldnt have met Jake. If i'd never met Jake, i wouldnt have started that. I wouldnt have skipped with heather and Brittany. I wouldnt have dated and broke up with Ryan. i wouldnt have done any of the horrible stuff that happened from november-may.

But the it's Nick's fault too. If my mom never met him, then i never would;ve met Candice, and in turn met Shana. as much as i love that girl, i can accept that they're the ones who loaded me, and starting at Lee Middle simply set off the trigger.

and three/four years later, what do i have to show for it?
im still the same. never grew up. i never learned how! nobody ever showed me how to handle all of this bullshit.

im not even making sense to myself. can barely remember everything i just said to my best friend.

but i just feel like they hate me. like they all think im just an attention seeking slut. Like im self-inflicting all this stuff thats happening at home because im too scared to go through what i went through. It stems from what Lucy said...what Krystal said...what they havent said. what my mom says. the stuff i hear from other people. the stuff i should hear from other people.

it just feels like nobody has time for mariah and her problems anymore because its always the same problems and it gets old. Just because i've talked about it a few times, am i just supposed to stop being sad about it?
thats how it is in movies. but the ending is always happy.

and i cant fucking cry anymore. and i cant see any good ending for this at all. Every option sucks. and i would be able to get through this if i wasnt such a fuckin baby. but i need the constant reassurance from guys and from ym friends becaue im co-dependent. i know that! and everyone else knows that! so why isnt it happening? am i expecting so much. all i want is for someone who loves me to just hold me in their arms and say that everything will be alright.

nobody did that last time. i just wanna talk about it, but im having such a hard time thinking....its killing me. and in less than twenty minutes, the end of my life is repeated.

So many good things are happening now. EVERYONE is in a better mood except for me. and i would call lucy but shes sleeping. i would call jess but her parents would kill me. I would talk to Lindsey, but shes sleeping, too and she doesnt know like the others do. I cant talk to krystal because she wont talk to me when im like this.

so theres fucking nobody. and i'll remember this. i swear to god someday i'll write about this and maybe some stupid little girl will read it and do the right thing. i cant fucking do this anymore. i just...i need to calm down. chill out. do something. oh god. 14 minutes.

three years ago exactly, i was sleeping after a harsh monday at school. i had no clue. no fuckin clue about the math book or the rumors or what Kelci and Lucas and Biana and Alex and Zach were planning on doing. or maybe they had already done it. They had seemed fine after school when we hung out. not one of them cared. and no one fuckin cares now.

So i get over that only to come to this and have more problems. i cant fuckin do anything. i cant even talk to my best friend. fuck it. im just gonna stop typing. because i dont even know what im saying.