Silly Shoes

Today is what we call "Chill Out and Think Friday"

cause thats what is up. Krystal and i got into a pretty horrible fight last night. In my opinion, the absolute worst. It starts with her not telling me something that is classified as a big deal. she didnt tell me. and that hurt. cause i found out from her old best friend which made me feel like shit.

So i start talking to her about it. And honestly, i cannot remember everything about it. I only saved parts of the convo for Jessie, but i wish i hd more. cause everything that i said was really really mean and i shouldnt have said it to my best friend.

but i wasnt the only on and im not taking the blame for this fight when i didnt do anything wrong except maybe keep it going (which she was just oh so happy to comply)

its so fucked up. Cause she basically said she never tells me anything like that beause i'll tell everyone or completely ruin it. Then i talk to Jessie and she says the same thing. like....wow. everyone seems to dislike the way i am. sucky.

So i end up crying a lot because the strangest thing---we went from like...me being the sensitive one whos feelings were hurt to krystal just being completely different. Like, saying i dont care. Saying that she just wanted to have fun when we started talking about the secret. Just---weird stuff you wouldnt expect from her.

And i cant recall how many times i was told to "shut the fuck up" and that i was "acting like a complete bitch". but im telling you now, that im not gonna deal with her like this all the time. We'll stop being friends if thats the case. Honestly. It would kill me, but I'd do it.

And she called me a drama queen and said that i wallow in my misery. I hate her so much right now. you have no idea. and it's like...i cant help that i dont think she cares sometimes. thats not my fault, but when she tries to say that mariah doesnt care....its like.....wow. fuck you too.

and it feels absolutely horrible. and i was so pissed all night, i couldnt sleep. i couldnt stop thinking about seeing her tomorrow and not punching her in the face.

so i faked sick last night...and my mom believed it. so this morning hen i said i didnt wanna go to school---i didnt have to. sometimes, either im too brilliant or they're far too stupid...how could she believe that?

anyways, i wasnt ready to see krystal. so i've spent today just calming down, thinking about how shes my best friend no matter what, and that maybe i do need a little change if all my friends cant stand that part of me. I dont wanna end up like the one person who used to be our friend...now we arent her friends at all and we tend to get pissed, annoyed, or irritated lately. Thats like...a worse fear. and i cant help that small inecurity that krystal is gonna go be friends with kelly again and leave me with nobody. it also doesnt help that i care for krystal wayy to much...and wayy more than i know she cares about me. and im okay with that.

but...thats what toay is for. No, im not "scared" of her. No, im not a pussy. I just---wanted a day to myself for cooling off and doing some self restoration cause i took a huge blow last night.

maybe im a little better.
but i dont wanna go to the band activity tomorrow morning.
i'll be forced to spend hours with her.
No, i dont wanna go to the practice session after.
Cause im not ready to make up.
And i sure as hell dont want her to drive me to work like we were planning on. cause no way am i going in a car with her. she'll kill me. and it'll be awkward. and plus, im pissed as fuck at her and i dont wanna. and she wont want me too either. which pisses me off too.

god dammit.
this just plain old suck ass.