I go Back

Everytime i hear that song...

i go back.
I go back to a pew, preacher, and a choir
singing about god, brimestone and fire
and the smell of sunday chicken after church
i go back to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summer si shared with him
now "only the good die young" stops me in my tracks.
everytime i hear that song...i go back.

to the feel of fifty yard line, a blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine.
i go back.
to watching summer fade to fall
growing up to fast and i do recall
i go back.
to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summers i shared with him.



Recently was the three-year anniversary of my expulsion, right?
and this changed my entire life. it enabled me. it gave oppurtunities which i learned to take advantage of. and its helped turn me into who i am today. So i chalk that up to how i act, how i think, and i how i tend to throw reason out the window.

Which is maybe why so much just doesnt make sense to me. So...i say a few things. I mean, its not my business, but i mean c'mon. If your tired of being teased about it, and you want it, then fuckin go for it. thats what i would do. but shes not me. and i know that. so maybe i pushed to far and she got pissy with me. i can respect that. alright fine. that subject is appearently off-limits again. oh well.

but other things seem to be going well. i have new boyfriend who i really really like. His name is Jacob and he's pretty grand. I've talked about him before. We're kinda an odd couple...but i kinda like that.

i can completely be myself...and be a bitch to him...around him...and everything. He's got flaws, but you know, i can handle that. i like it that there are things about him that annoy me, but he makes up for it with how great he is. and i truly mean that. this is kinda new for me. i dont do the boyfriend thing, but for the first time, im not thinking about other boys or anything. i like that part, too.

I hit a car the other day. that was horrible. i was driving and then i freaked out, considering i had never driven that far and i havent even got my permit yet. So i turned quickly and went to fast, so i bumped into a cherry red pick up truck. honestly, what self-respecting white hillbilly drives a chick colored car....but whatever. Maybe it matches the lipstick he wears when he goes out with his "buddies from work" not my place to judge, man.

but i came home crying. i'm still in trouble for that. So let's add more fuel to the fire.

The reason why im an idiot: i never learn my lesson. in eighth grade, i got in trouble after bringing contraband material to school. So what do i do? i bring it to school again.

Only this time, i actually use it. I took Lindsey out for a drive and we had a cigarette, but we had to be back before detention. So we came back, reeking of nicotine. Honestly, i didnt even notice cause im kinda used to it. my mom smokes, too and the smell is just normal to me.

but anyways, of course we get caught. and we get asked if we were smoking. Realizing that if i denied it and they did a back search my life would be over, i owned up to it. then i went inside and got ride of the stuff before they could do a search which i was successful in thwarting THANK FUCKING GOD. but im looking at a two-day suspension.

and, you know, being grounded for the rest of my life when my mother finds out and decides that i am now three yrs old. I swear to god if i ddint have to tell her this, i would quit right now. which i prolly shoulda done a LONG time ago. but now i get to face more consequences. so long as i dont get expelled, i can handle it.

it was actually kinda humorous. and im hoping it will be when i tell my mom. and talk to the deans. though i expect my mom already knows because appearently mrs barnash and her were on the phone with each other during the game. wow.

also had a different new experience: oppurtunity with a boy that which i did not seize and i feel like the biggest idiot for. What the hell was i thinking? who was the one who stopped it before it got far...but whos the one who encourages the next level? exactly! so i wish i had done that.

and i kinda regret telling the truth to dean wheeler....deniability and all that. and i regret getting on krystals case because i recognize that it wasnt cool. when shes over it, we'll talk but shes been in a crappy mood with me and her friends lately anyways.

oh well.

but i got back into country which is something to smile about. because its like going back to a really simple time. When iw as in sixth/seventh grade and all the girls lived with us...they were rlly into that stuff so by default, i ended up falling in love with Kenny Chesney and goin to see Alan jackson and Toby Keith in concert. Candice even went to see Tim McGraw which i was rlly jealous of back then. but its like traveling back to a more innocent age. pre-bishop moore. pre-lee middle. pre-lots of shit thats gone down.

and i am lookin for a job. i think i go the publix one, but i dont want it if i can work at CVS. i also applied at walgreens but they asked dumb shit math questions which kicked my ass...i forgot my calculator. and why do u need to know amth anwyay when the fucking cash register does it all for you, man?

and i took the SAT. not as scary as it seems. not a big deal. it was actually kinda releiving and i cant wait to get my scores.

now im writing my portkey story again, which is again like going back. and i miss how i used to be, but i love who i am now. is that confusing or what?

until next time, maybe i'll have figured it out. cya.