Chicago and More!

It's December 30th.
damn a lot has changed.

i went to Chicago over break. So did krystal.

we didnt see each other but its understandable...verry difficult to get around up there. plus we were about an hour or two away. its all good.

I dont even know where to begin on the Chic trip. uhm...we saw "A Christmas Carol" on stage at the Goodman. We went Skiing in Wisconsin at Devils Head and i completely pwned with some locals. they know how to party there.
i was sick the entire time we were up there, though. Still am. Bronchitis sucks. and i've never had it before so the doc said that it'll take awhile to go away but my immune system will kick ass the next time it tries to come around.

Being sick gave me lots of time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and think horrible thoughts that make me sad =(
so i try to stay away from that but of course it doesnt actually ever work when i try to do something, ya know?
so i texted with krystal a lot and for the most part, when i talked to her i got into a better mood but sometimes it was simply depressing. honestly, i would be thinking and then start texting and just be bitter and self-pitying the entire time which is SO fucking annoying not only to her (probablu) but also to me cause im sick of sounding like that one chick we all know and dislike for her "poor me" all the time attitude. its irritating and so we call her a "low dose" person. but i dont wanna be a low dose person! i wanna be a HIGH DOSE! or a constant Dose! you know what i mean!!!! AHHH! and i especially dont want krystal to wanna stop talking to me or get annoyed when she does, or treat me like a low/no dose person.

you know what i mean?

god. and so i was kinda mean to her last night. and i said like..one sentence that would really really really kill me if she had said it to me.

so im hoping she'll not take it to heart for when i apologize.

but i just get so frusterated with her sometimes! i cant help it!

im also an impulse texter which doesnt help im sure!

lord just fuckin kill me! gahhh!

but i have lots of andy to satisfy myself with! and lucy is coming over to see me. i really missed her. and jessie of course. i would say i missed krystal but it seems like i practically had her there with me since we were constantly talking. today is the first day we havent texted since the break started.

Oh but tomorrow is new years which is even more angst.

I had planned on going to jacob's parentsa new years party which he begged for me to go to and they approved so i was like "hell yeah!". but then Lucy called and shes throwing a new years party with a game of capture the flag and stuff like that with lots of our friends and i REALLY wanna go. but he doesnt wanna go cause he bought all kinds of fireworks! so im not sure....why cant he just take the fireworks to Lucys? but im not sure if she'll allow that. GOD DAMMIT!

six days

since my last post.
three til i leave for chicago.

fifteen since jacob and I's once month.

and wow it feels like forever.

we have our english and science exams tomorrow. i think im gonna fail chem for sure unless i can sneak my cheat sheet that i forgot to submit for approval under my desk. whoops.

and jacob and i are going strong. i rlly rlly like him actually.

my recent problem?

my best friend. okay---she broke up with bob. about time right? but now i kinda miss him because now she sorta hates Jacob even more. its prolly not because of that but i dunno. this si the first time i'm hearing that she truly 10000% cannto stand him. I knew she didnt like him cause theyve hated each other since they were little but i thought they just fought a lot but they could be civil. now i hear that she hates him.

then she decides to announce how she thinks he flirts with her. as if i wasnt aware. Lucy and I already figured it all out. Jacob had a think with lucy cause he was sore about Danielle, he wanted Jessie because she was intorested in him and she put him in a good mood, he likes me because i have no clue, and he's recently come to realize how gorgeous krystal is and has a small crush on her.

which i have been aware of since Lucy and I discussed this BEFORE i started dating him but i never rlly thought of it. now im thinking of ti and it pisses me the fuck off. dammit

dying.

Symptoms: my head is splitting. my throat taste disgusting. i recently puked green flakes all over my floor. I've been sick for a long time anyways. i have a nasty cough. everything is sore. my stomach is so nauseous [mispelled]. my vision is hazy with a black tint to it. my chest is searing with a fiery pain. my uterus is bleeding to death. my throat feels like its sliced at the walls. i have been peeing nonstop. i get dizzy every two seconds. and my ears are ringing.

possibilities: im sick already; that could be a plausible factor. I took tylenol cold and flu...then i took 3 midols...then i did stretched and exercises involving moving around and physical exersion. the smoking also cant be helping at all. I also ate a lot today. I'm on the worst [and longest and moodiest] period of my sixteen years of existence [five of which have been period-consisting]. And, my sleeping schedule sucks ass. I'm also stressed for grades, work, guard, friends, and family.


There is so much going on. I cant handle all of this. I have soo much homework. i dont know what im gonna do.

cause i feel sooo horrible. no joke.omg.

not to be drama-queen...but i feel like im fuckin dying.

I should

be doing my english.
loose some wheight.
have a better attitude.
clean my room.
be more organized.
be a better girlfriend.
care more.
care less.
be a little nicer.
lower my volume.
pray.
be stronger.
call my dad.
try harder.
have more confidence.


---but im fuckin trying. cant eveyrone just gimme a break?