Faults.

I said i would do this. I already started and im sticking to it.

so why am i crying? When i broke up with the quarttett, i knew i would miss them. I knew that i would feel bad when they were off doing things with each other and i wasnt, but i imagined that i would have Mikael and jacob by my side. Maybe even Lisa or Kat.

Today just fucked that all up. And i dont think i've ever felt lower.
I texted with lisa and Lucy. I said i was fine. they dont know that i wont be there tomorrow either. I didnt feel it necessary to explain. It didnt even sound like they missed me. At all. texted Krystal too...because i dont understand the religion homework. No response. and mariah drops one notch lower.

So i call Bennett. I ask him to come over after his photogaphy meeting to come and see me because im feeling low and depressed. I say that he can bring other people...i say this because im hoping beyong hope that he'll make Lucy or Krystal or Jacob come with him...because i want to see them all. but he comes alone.

I call jacob to see if he wants to come hang out...but he's in a car with Lucy and Krystal. They're laughing and having a good time in the backround. Another notch down.

He asks them when he'll be back...i can hear a muffled response and then he tells me that they wont be back until later. Another notch lower.

So i hang up. Lucy and Krystal and Jacob were off having a good time and i was ready to kill myself. And what puts me in the worse funk of my entire life is that...if i hadnt brokwn up with the quarttett...then i would be with them.

So i almost suck it up..call them....explain things to them and apologize.

but i said i would do this and i need to stick with it.

This is one of those times i wish i could drive. I would simply drive me and Mikael to go get ice cream...or go get something. we could go to the mall and do something fun. I dunno...it just...i needed to hear my friends voices...and all i got was some noise in the backround. now i feel like shit.

I want to cheer myself up so bad...but my stepdad took my moms car and so the both of us are just stuck in this house. i dont have any money either. So theres nothing to do, im bored out of my mind and feeling an my all-time lowest. god. this plain old sucks.

now im getting irritated with myself.

Can i not last a week without them? am i that attatched? am i such a freakin baby that i cry when they're off together. but i feel as if Jacob was mine...and now he's theirs. and all thats left is me and Mikael. He didnt mean anything by it, but Jacob hurt me. And now, i know, there will be a wall. and i feel horrible, but i cant help it.

So now i will drink my arizona tea and cry. I'll hope that nasty salty tears do not mix with m drink. because then it would be just as sour as everything else in my life...and it would be entirely my fault.

Home Home on the Range...

where the dogs and mariah will play...

with bacon and eggs
to make us puke kegs...

and we sleep and cry in bed all day....ooo!

home home on the range....

yeah. thats been my day so far. this sucks.
im not at school...
and im not contacting any of my friends....because it's not their problem [once again]

i have that appointment tomorrow morning. so I'll be late to school...(again!). God its turning into last year. i cant stand it.

And none of my friends have even texted.
nobody has called
or seen whats up.
wow. i sure feel loved.
this is great...
just me, mom, n nick.
fun fun double fun.
thank you god for making this happen.

...no wonder im not a fuckin catholic.

maybe there is a god, wtf do i know.

I've spent almost four years being an athiest. I've enjoyed it. It makes sense to me. I have a good reason to have lost my faith. but during those four yars, it has been instilled in me to say things like "I hope to god..."
"please god..." and stuff like that. I dunno if it's the catholic Indoctrination or my subconscience trying to guide me...but recently i am willing to admit that there could quite possibly be a god. However, it does not mean it is the catholic god they preach about.

Mariah's Views on God and Religion:
-a priest is no holier than someone in the congregation.
-a priest is not a window to god
-if u want to talk to god, pray
-dont pray out loud...because it's between u and god
-dont try to convert people. if they want to see it your way then your god will help them along the path
-god doesnt care if u go to church
-god only cares if u are a true believer. if u believe in your very heart and soul that he is real and that u love him and u put faith in him...then you will be welcomed into heaven
-the bible is all made up. Scenario: an old potsmoker was fortunate enough to come across a Scribe's mansion in the desert after days from escaping prison for theift. He breaks into the home while they are sleeping and steals the papyrus and ink. He finds himself clever. He knows how to write, considering he was quite noble and wealthy before the drugs and evil way of life consumed him. He begins to tell of a story to save his soul...he believed that someone will save him one day. He rights the story of the old Testament, will notes and family lineage. All of the stories are based on the ones he himself have witnessed first hand or have imagined through his creative insentive. He finishes the Old Testament in seven years and then moves on to the New Testament. here, he plans to fulfill those promises his main charatcer made for a new messiah. He writes about a messiah because he knows that in his real life, he could use one. The New testament finishes and his book is complete. A few weeks after completion, he is captured and his belongings are seized. They are then auctioned off to the people. When the crowd gets ahold of these stories and talltales, they begint o preach and worship them like real thing. The Author, our common theif, gets a huge thrill out of this. Little would he know that billions and billions of year later we would be preaching and basing almost every aspect of out lives off of that stupid book full of stories fromt he musings of an old crackpot. the end. Whether thats truly what happened or not...you get the point.
-Humans have no authority to convert, excommunicate, lay down theological laws, or any of that.
-the ten commandments? maybe they are real...we would know considering someone locked them up in the arc of the covenant and now we cant find them. If we find them...i shall change my mind and renig everything i've said. because that would be a sure sign of a god or jesus.
-We know nothing of history. So for all we know, all the info we have is wrong.
-and finally...i make my own desicions. the belief that god is making my desicions or that he gave me free will is enough to piss me off. I will make my own way without the help of a 'god' or any other wannabe installed higher power. got it?

powerful views for a little kid, huh? thats what i would like to think. heres the catch: just because im borderline agnostic and still slightly athiest, does nto mean these views change. i feel too strongly for that.

but here is the simple reason why i think god exists. call me stupid or whatever, but it's what made me start to think.
I had to go make up a religion test [coincidence]. i was completely failing this class with a 7%...which is the second worse grade I've ever gotten [i onmce had a -2% in spanish]

but i walk into the room after school to take my test...i had plans to go see my friends, but he was ebing nice and instead of giving me a zero for missing my original test date, i was told to come after school. but im in a hurry. so i walk in and i say "just give me the test...i dont need the review...just the test im in a hurry"

so i start the test...and then he starts the review...AT THE SAME TIME! so he's got the test in his hands...asking the questions...getting the answers from the class...and then going over and giving the correct answers. OH MY GOD. needless to say i got a high grade. and for some reason...just the coincidence of it all...made me think "damn. someone had my back"

stupid, and it doesnt mean im a god-fearing jesus freak, but maybe there is something that has this habit of ruining ym life and then saving my ass.

anways, this staying at home shit is enough to kill someone. i should be at school. i'm getting into an argument with Asshole over cellphones at school. this is riddiculous. i wanna fuckin leave this damn house and go to fuckin school!