there's a song by Simple Plan that taught me all about best friends.
i thought that i could always count on you
i thought that nothing could between us two
we said as long as we would stick together
wed be alright we'd be okay
but i was stupid
and u broke me down
i'll never be that way again
So thank you
for showing me
that best friends cannot be trusted
and thank you
for lying to me
your friendship, the good times we had
you can have them back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and that was my anthem for 8th grade. Because of everything that had happened.
Im a pretty trusting person. I mean, im willing to share secrets and stuff with people who i deem worthy and caring. But if i do that...then i need constant reassurance that that person isnt going to fuck me over....share my secrets with the world...ditch me when i need them....talk behind my back....go to administration, you know?
and i gues thats what im blaming on how shitty i treated Krystal last night and why today i cried all day like a three-year-old cause my friends dont love me and my mom yelled at me all day. I feel so pathetic. It seriously is the worst feeling--when u think the world hates you. and i know Krystal doesnt hate me...but sometimes i get to thinking all kinds of horrible things. and i hate that.
im sure shes sick of me too and i wouldnt be surprised if she wanted to stop being my friend. it would only prove my point.
god i hate today.
it just...it rlly makes me wanna kill myself.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
october 27 2007
tomorrow. oh god.
i just wasted ten minutes bitching at krystal. it didnt even start that way. i was fine. i was just telling her about Lucy and Joe. then we started talking about Jacob. and she said something that sorta sounded mean the way i read it. and then i guess i just went downhill from there.
because im so sad and angry after four fuckin years. And i blame that expulsion on everything. every fucking thing in my life went wrong after that.
and i keep thinking that my friends dont really like me. because thats what happened before. they sold me out and fuckin ruined my life. they made me this way.
oh god. if i hadnt gone to Lee Middle then i wouldnt have met Jake. If i'd never met Jake, i wouldnt have started that. I wouldnt have skipped with heather and Brittany. I wouldnt have dated and broke up with Ryan. i wouldnt have done any of the horrible stuff that happened from november-may.
But the it's Nick's fault too. If my mom never met him, then i never would;ve met Candice, and in turn met Shana. as much as i love that girl, i can accept that they're the ones who loaded me, and starting at Lee Middle simply set off the trigger.
and three/four years later, what do i have to show for it?
im still the same. never grew up. i never learned how! nobody ever showed me how to handle all of this bullshit.
im not even making sense to myself. can barely remember everything i just said to my best friend.
but i just feel like they hate me. like they all think im just an attention seeking slut. Like im self-inflicting all this stuff thats happening at home because im too scared to go through what i went through. It stems from what Lucy said...what Krystal said...what they havent said. what my mom says. the stuff i hear from other people. the stuff i should hear from other people.
it just feels like nobody has time for mariah and her problems anymore because its always the same problems and it gets old. Just because i've talked about it a few times, am i just supposed to stop being sad about it?
thats how it is in movies. but the ending is always happy.
and i cant fucking cry anymore. and i cant see any good ending for this at all. Every option sucks. and i would be able to get through this if i wasnt such a fuckin baby. but i need the constant reassurance from guys and from ym friends becaue im co-dependent. i know that! and everyone else knows that! so why isnt it happening? am i expecting so much. all i want is for someone who loves me to just hold me in their arms and say that everything will be alright.
nobody did that last time. i just wanna talk about it, but im having such a hard time thinking....its killing me. and in less than twenty minutes, the end of my life is repeated.
So many good things are happening now. EVERYONE is in a better mood except for me. and i would call lucy but shes sleeping. i would call jess but her parents would kill me. I would talk to Lindsey, but shes sleeping, too and she doesnt know like the others do. I cant talk to krystal because she wont talk to me when im like this.
so theres fucking nobody. and i'll remember this. i swear to god someday i'll write about this and maybe some stupid little girl will read it and do the right thing. i cant fucking do this anymore. i just...i need to calm down. chill out. do something. oh god. 14 minutes.
three years ago exactly, i was sleeping after a harsh monday at school. i had no clue. no fuckin clue about the math book or the rumors or what Kelci and Lucas and Biana and Alex and Zach were planning on doing. or maybe they had already done it. They had seemed fine after school when we hung out. not one of them cared. and no one fuckin cares now.
So i get over that only to come to this and have more problems. i cant fuckin do anything. i cant even talk to my best friend. fuck it. im just gonna stop typing. because i dont even know what im saying.
i just wasted ten minutes bitching at krystal. it didnt even start that way. i was fine. i was just telling her about Lucy and Joe. then we started talking about Jacob. and she said something that sorta sounded mean the way i read it. and then i guess i just went downhill from there.
because im so sad and angry after four fuckin years. And i blame that expulsion on everything. every fucking thing in my life went wrong after that.
and i keep thinking that my friends dont really like me. because thats what happened before. they sold me out and fuckin ruined my life. they made me this way.
oh god. if i hadnt gone to Lee Middle then i wouldnt have met Jake. If i'd never met Jake, i wouldnt have started that. I wouldnt have skipped with heather and Brittany. I wouldnt have dated and broke up with Ryan. i wouldnt have done any of the horrible stuff that happened from november-may.
But the it's Nick's fault too. If my mom never met him, then i never would;ve met Candice, and in turn met Shana. as much as i love that girl, i can accept that they're the ones who loaded me, and starting at Lee Middle simply set off the trigger.
and three/four years later, what do i have to show for it?
im still the same. never grew up. i never learned how! nobody ever showed me how to handle all of this bullshit.
im not even making sense to myself. can barely remember everything i just said to my best friend.
but i just feel like they hate me. like they all think im just an attention seeking slut. Like im self-inflicting all this stuff thats happening at home because im too scared to go through what i went through. It stems from what Lucy said...what Krystal said...what they havent said. what my mom says. the stuff i hear from other people. the stuff i should hear from other people.
it just feels like nobody has time for mariah and her problems anymore because its always the same problems and it gets old. Just because i've talked about it a few times, am i just supposed to stop being sad about it?
thats how it is in movies. but the ending is always happy.
and i cant fucking cry anymore. and i cant see any good ending for this at all. Every option sucks. and i would be able to get through this if i wasnt such a fuckin baby. but i need the constant reassurance from guys and from ym friends becaue im co-dependent. i know that! and everyone else knows that! so why isnt it happening? am i expecting so much. all i want is for someone who loves me to just hold me in their arms and say that everything will be alright.
nobody did that last time. i just wanna talk about it, but im having such a hard time thinking....its killing me. and in less than twenty minutes, the end of my life is repeated.
So many good things are happening now. EVERYONE is in a better mood except for me. and i would call lucy but shes sleeping. i would call jess but her parents would kill me. I would talk to Lindsey, but shes sleeping, too and she doesnt know like the others do. I cant talk to krystal because she wont talk to me when im like this.
so theres fucking nobody. and i'll remember this. i swear to god someday i'll write about this and maybe some stupid little girl will read it and do the right thing. i cant fucking do this anymore. i just...i need to calm down. chill out. do something. oh god. 14 minutes.
three years ago exactly, i was sleeping after a harsh monday at school. i had no clue. no fuckin clue about the math book or the rumors or what Kelci and Lucas and Biana and Alex and Zach were planning on doing. or maybe they had already done it. They had seemed fine after school when we hung out. not one of them cared. and no one fuckin cares now.
So i get over that only to come to this and have more problems. i cant fuckin do anything. i cant even talk to my best friend. fuck it. im just gonna stop typing. because i dont even know what im saying.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
BECAUSE
the sky is bluuueeeeeee
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Me-time fourday weekend has been groovy as hell. Of course, i truly have been enjoying myself almost completely. I saw my friends a lot on Friday.
Fuckin, i spend WAY too much time with Krystal then. lol. It was like...we didnt see each other in the morning cause i was late to school [tired whoops] but we were texting all morning. And then we get to second period, third hour on a fine friday morning so we can go to the UCF college meeting with JessiKem the great who had a free period. I believe Lucy was religion, but im not too sure. Yeah, actually she had to have been. and then we hung out before third. and then we saw each other before fourth. and on the way to fifth. and then we had sixth together. and then that was it for school day. then after school we spent the entire afternoon and evening together in her car. it was kinda insane. before we went to mary mags fall festival and spent even more time with each other. the she had to drive me home.
see? Friday was officially Krystal Day. haha.
Then Saturday was chill down day. and Sunday was fun with my mom and stuff. then monday comes: im prepared for more chill down and i know that krystal and mikael have movie plans. but i wasnt jealous so ha.
i still got invited. cause they ended up going to see Across the universe at citywalk, which brought everyone past curfew. oh well.
that was fun and now its tuesday which is "get bitched at by my mother" day. fun.
tomorrow is wednesday. practice which will suck. at least all of the classes will be shorter. but practice will still suck.
i am so having a bagel before school even if i have to wake up an hour early. so there!
My little C is good too. But shes having a romantic affair with none other than the boy i call Axel. Axel likes her...but he also likes me and he's told me that. I told him that i was planning on ignoring that so he and jessie could have a chance. He said that i shouldnt ignore it if i like him, too......errr.....huh?
anyways, Mikael had a small issue at the movie and im glad i was there. i felt horrible for doubting him earlier in this week so i had to comfort him not only to hepl but also for my own peace of mind. I think Krystal realized why iw as being so attentive. oh well. she has been in a spectacularly great mood lately and it rocked.
oh yeah and im creating a new product: "Pigs in a blanket". they're toe warmers for when im in krystals car and she wont let me stick my feet out of the window.
just to be a smartass, i think i will have little toe warmers with me and just pull em out to make her laugh. haha. im a genius.
Oh and i also am knda excited to give her the present i made for her.
You dont what it is? ha well too damn bad caue i dont know who reads this and i dont want anyone to tell her. im not even going to say why i made it becaue that would give away what it is.
but im having a good day. until nabout five minutes when ym mom said that tickets to HHN are 54 dollars. ha. we cant afford that.
and neither can anybody else in the group. shit!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Me-time fourday weekend has been groovy as hell. Of course, i truly have been enjoying myself almost completely. I saw my friends a lot on Friday.
Fuckin, i spend WAY too much time with Krystal then. lol. It was like...we didnt see each other in the morning cause i was late to school [tired whoops] but we were texting all morning. And then we get to second period, third hour on a fine friday morning so we can go to the UCF college meeting with JessiKem the great who had a free period. I believe Lucy was religion, but im not too sure. Yeah, actually she had to have been. and then we hung out before third. and then we saw each other before fourth. and on the way to fifth. and then we had sixth together. and then that was it for school day. then after school we spent the entire afternoon and evening together in her car. it was kinda insane. before we went to mary mags fall festival and spent even more time with each other. the she had to drive me home.
see? Friday was officially Krystal Day. haha.
Then Saturday was chill down day. and Sunday was fun with my mom and stuff. then monday comes: im prepared for more chill down and i know that krystal and mikael have movie plans. but i wasnt jealous so ha.
i still got invited. cause they ended up going to see Across the universe at citywalk, which brought everyone past curfew. oh well.
that was fun and now its tuesday which is "get bitched at by my mother" day. fun.
tomorrow is wednesday. practice which will suck. at least all of the classes will be shorter. but practice will still suck.
i am so having a bagel before school even if i have to wake up an hour early. so there!
My little C is good too. But shes having a romantic affair with none other than the boy i call Axel. Axel likes her...but he also likes me and he's told me that. I told him that i was planning on ignoring that so he and jessie could have a chance. He said that i shouldnt ignore it if i like him, too......errr.....huh?
anyways, Mikael had a small issue at the movie and im glad i was there. i felt horrible for doubting him earlier in this week so i had to comfort him not only to hepl but also for my own peace of mind. I think Krystal realized why iw as being so attentive. oh well. she has been in a spectacularly great mood lately and it rocked.
oh yeah and im creating a new product: "Pigs in a blanket". they're toe warmers for when im in krystals car and she wont let me stick my feet out of the window.
just to be a smartass, i think i will have little toe warmers with me and just pull em out to make her laugh. haha. im a genius.
Oh and i also am knda excited to give her the present i made for her.
You dont what it is? ha well too damn bad caue i dont know who reads this and i dont want anyone to tell her. im not even going to say why i made it becaue that would give away what it is.
but im having a good day. until nabout five minutes when ym mom said that tickets to HHN are 54 dollars. ha. we cant afford that.
and neither can anybody else in the group. shit!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Bubbly
yes im in a good mood, weird isnt it?
its probably in due part to feeling extremely smart.
in a fashion, i now COMPLETELY understand all of my chemistry. it was as simple as outlining chapter five and chapter six...answering the questions AND studying the stuff he gave us in class. Now i can do the homework! yes!
but i feel really weird. i mean, im a fuckin veteran at Saturday Schools. And usually, when i have one, i dont even bring my bag cause its just extra weight, and i spend the entire three hours just trying to sleep.
this time, i had a book and pens and paper and everything. and i only nodded off for a second. it was kinda....fun, dare i say? yes it twas but i deff dont want to do it again. im kinda over this getting into trouble thing.
i mean, yes it was funny and i still think its BA, but now its just getting old.
i mean...i'm full of detentions and saturday schools and now everyone expects it. that is SO annoying, but whatever.
im in such a good mood and i think the reason is because i was up and ready early, i got a lot of sleep, i have a feeling of accomplishment, and my mom hasnt been home all day.
granted, certain things still suck ass. For instance, i get home last night to find my parents laughing and watching television together. I'm letting them think that im okay with it, but i hate this. IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BOTHER ME! because im a kid.
but why is it that they treat me like an adult when i want to be a child, but im too young when i actually WANT the responsbility?
i have no clue if that made sense.
but whatever. i'll finish this later i dont feel like just sitting here. time to dance around and sing? yes good idea!
its probably in due part to feeling extremely smart.
in a fashion, i now COMPLETELY understand all of my chemistry. it was as simple as outlining chapter five and chapter six...answering the questions AND studying the stuff he gave us in class. Now i can do the homework! yes!
but i feel really weird. i mean, im a fuckin veteran at Saturday Schools. And usually, when i have one, i dont even bring my bag cause its just extra weight, and i spend the entire three hours just trying to sleep.
this time, i had a book and pens and paper and everything. and i only nodded off for a second. it was kinda....fun, dare i say? yes it twas but i deff dont want to do it again. im kinda over this getting into trouble thing.
i mean, yes it was funny and i still think its BA, but now its just getting old.
i mean...i'm full of detentions and saturday schools and now everyone expects it. that is SO annoying, but whatever.
im in such a good mood and i think the reason is because i was up and ready early, i got a lot of sleep, i have a feeling of accomplishment, and my mom hasnt been home all day.
granted, certain things still suck ass. For instance, i get home last night to find my parents laughing and watching television together. I'm letting them think that im okay with it, but i hate this. IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BOTHER ME! because im a kid.
but why is it that they treat me like an adult when i want to be a child, but im too young when i actually WANT the responsbility?
i have no clue if that made sense.
but whatever. i'll finish this later i dont feel like just sitting here. time to dance around and sing? yes good idea!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Let's See How Far We've Come
i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we're gunna find out
I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gunna pretend
let's see how far we've come
I've grown up
i can tell you that.
how do you know?
i had a great day.
the irony? i didnt see krystal once and i only texted her a few times towards the middle and end of the ay. then i got on the phone with her after, but i was pretty good for the most part. im proud of myself.
see? im growing up? see how far i've come?
oh well i guess we're gunna find out
I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gunna pretend
let's see how far we've come
I've grown up
i can tell you that.
how do you know?
i had a great day.
the irony? i didnt see krystal once and i only texted her a few times towards the middle and end of the ay. then i got on the phone with her after, but i was pretty good for the most part. im proud of myself.
see? im growing up? see how far i've come?
Monday, October 15, 2007
good day, good sir
i wilt not bother with the tiresome bore of everyday life of the current degree. i care not to type about homecoming...how horrible it was for me...or how grand it was for certain others.
im not going to expose the long overdriven secret and i surely will never spill my true heart out over the internet. this is my blog for fun and recreation because i love to write.
but the thing is...
i dont anymore. i just dont want to write. i dont get it.
during my insecure days, the eighth grade adolescent "he loves me not so i must be naught"mindset threw me off horribly, but i lasted because as pukingly heinous as this sounds...when i wrote stories with female leads...they were always gorgeous, smart, perfect chicks whom people admired. i'd yet to create a fictional flawed character which i was perfectly okay with.
but now i know im flawed, obviously, however i dont write [technically type] a damn word. like..life has come to consist of school, friends, boys, colorguard, chores, sleep, and plans. There's no more room for alone writing time for the next "great American musical" or the "Novel to rule the world". i dont even have time to watch highschool musical 2.
where has all my time gone? it's not like i do that much...i rlly dont. i hate busybodies...am i becoming one? of course not. if anyone could sustain the pressure of strict organizationa dn obedience to overcontrolling authority...wouldnt it be mariah?
authority. which brings me to woe # 2.
Lucy is guard captain. colorguard is an athletic sport in band where you spin a flag which can be exceedingly difficult at times [you try couting, staung in step, doing the work, and smiling at the same damn time].
excuse...Lucy was guard captain. she gave it up because guard has an authority/attitude problem. I can agree with that. Krystal has a subconscience attitude, Lisa's is openly bitchy, and i cant describe mine but i have one often. Lucy couldnt handle it, which is not a sign of weakness because i dont know too many people who are willing to put aside friendship for guard and step up to regime leader.
Krystal can. and Krystal will if she gets captain next year. Lisa can, but Lisa wont. and she wouldnt make a very good captain, sadly, though i love the girl to death. And of course im biased when it comes to Krystal cause shes my bestets friend, but thats the problem.
How could i have my best friend as my cpatain telling me to pay attention in line and get in attention and stop fooling around when she's the chick i fool around with the most? it would suck. i swear that i will quit before i let dumbass leadership in band get between the rlly great friendship we have.
I am completely and 100% against Leadership.
I believe that it is the wrong message: some students are better than you and have more authority so listen to them and if they're wrong..too bad and its a shame u didnt get the position, eh?
the band is already split by sections that are like sibling rivalries. Woodwinds, brass, low brass, drumline, front ensemble, colorguard [i think thats it] and its also split by years and seniority...freshmen, sophomores, juniors, seniors...kis who have been in band all 4 years...kids who havent...so lets fuck it up more by creating tension, drama and circulating contempt throughout the internal members of the band. isnt unity important? shouldnt it be as simple as "Richard says so..." and every single person is their own authoriy.
that would work even in a perfect world because people [myself included] are lazy. we dont want to work hard if no one is forcing us. but is leadership necessary? its not like they set an amazing example. everyone just does what they want anyways. and everyone ultimately just does what Barker, mom and the principle want so what does it matter? i'll tell you what...it doesnt matter at all.
if u do your shit and know your shit then fuck it if ur "captain" gave u the authority to talk. half of the time...the captains are the problem. the ectins wouldnt be so rebellious to their superiors if they didnt have superiors other than the true authority which is admin.
so itsa stupid. and pointless, yet the sole of my demise recently.
and then there is woe # 3
my family is driving me crazy. and if i ever get my ass in gear and write something worthwhile...it'll be about this. because thats the way to sell your soul: write a book about the truth and advert as fiction. throw in a magic pumpkin and a fairy godmother and BAM you're good to go. best seller with a heart of stone and nights filled with attempts at erasing the memories which made it all possible.
So im going to name my little girl "Karma" so that when people say "Karma's a bitch" i can be like "yeah i know, thank you sir".
im not going to expose the long overdriven secret and i surely will never spill my true heart out over the internet. this is my blog for fun and recreation because i love to write.
but the thing is...
i dont anymore. i just dont want to write. i dont get it.
during my insecure days, the eighth grade adolescent "he loves me not so i must be naught"mindset threw me off horribly, but i lasted because as pukingly heinous as this sounds...when i wrote stories with female leads...they were always gorgeous, smart, perfect chicks whom people admired. i'd yet to create a fictional flawed character which i was perfectly okay with.
but now i know im flawed, obviously, however i dont write [technically type] a damn word. like..life has come to consist of school, friends, boys, colorguard, chores, sleep, and plans. There's no more room for alone writing time for the next "great American musical" or the "Novel to rule the world". i dont even have time to watch highschool musical 2.
where has all my time gone? it's not like i do that much...i rlly dont. i hate busybodies...am i becoming one? of course not. if anyone could sustain the pressure of strict organizationa dn obedience to overcontrolling authority...wouldnt it be mariah?
authority. which brings me to woe # 2.
Lucy is guard captain. colorguard is an athletic sport in band where you spin a flag which can be exceedingly difficult at times [you try couting, staung in step, doing the work, and smiling at the same damn time].
excuse...Lucy was guard captain. she gave it up because guard has an authority/attitude problem. I can agree with that. Krystal has a subconscience attitude, Lisa's is openly bitchy, and i cant describe mine but i have one often. Lucy couldnt handle it, which is not a sign of weakness because i dont know too many people who are willing to put aside friendship for guard and step up to regime leader.
Krystal can. and Krystal will if she gets captain next year. Lisa can, but Lisa wont. and she wouldnt make a very good captain, sadly, though i love the girl to death. And of course im biased when it comes to Krystal cause shes my bestets friend, but thats the problem.
How could i have my best friend as my cpatain telling me to pay attention in line and get in attention and stop fooling around when she's the chick i fool around with the most? it would suck. i swear that i will quit before i let dumbass leadership in band get between the rlly great friendship we have.
I am completely and 100% against Leadership.
I believe that it is the wrong message: some students are better than you and have more authority so listen to them and if they're wrong..too bad and its a shame u didnt get the position, eh?
the band is already split by sections that are like sibling rivalries. Woodwinds, brass, low brass, drumline, front ensemble, colorguard [i think thats it] and its also split by years and seniority...freshmen, sophomores, juniors, seniors...kis who have been in band all 4 years...kids who havent...so lets fuck it up more by creating tension, drama and circulating contempt throughout the internal members of the band. isnt unity important? shouldnt it be as simple as "Richard says so..." and every single person is their own authoriy.
that would work even in a perfect world because people [myself included] are lazy. we dont want to work hard if no one is forcing us. but is leadership necessary? its not like they set an amazing example. everyone just does what they want anyways. and everyone ultimately just does what Barker, mom and the principle want so what does it matter? i'll tell you what...it doesnt matter at all.
if u do your shit and know your shit then fuck it if ur "captain" gave u the authority to talk. half of the time...the captains are the problem. the ectins wouldnt be so rebellious to their superiors if they didnt have superiors other than the true authority which is admin.
so itsa stupid. and pointless, yet the sole of my demise recently.
and then there is woe # 3
my family is driving me crazy. and if i ever get my ass in gear and write something worthwhile...it'll be about this. because thats the way to sell your soul: write a book about the truth and advert as fiction. throw in a magic pumpkin and a fairy godmother and BAM you're good to go. best seller with a heart of stone and nights filled with attempts at erasing the memories which made it all possible.
So im going to name my little girl "Karma" so that when people say "Karma's a bitch" i can be like "yeah i know, thank you sir".
Monday, October 1, 2007
it's about life
So now i have a secret which i fear to announce online considering that ppl i actually know read this sometimes. But...it's pretty big. The only two ppl in the real world who know it are Lucy and jessie.
Now you may ask why my best friend hasnt been informed?
1) it concerns her. she would freak out. no im not even kidding.
2)Jessie and Lucy said it would be bettr if she didnt know and i worked on myself for awhile
3) I'm scared to lose her because its clear to me that for some reason my life would be absolute crap without her....scary thought when you're unhealthily attatched to one person.
But the point it..she doesnt know and she knows that im not telling her.
The other thing:
i bought krystal a dress
because i was convinced that that is what best friends do.
However, she then told me not to buy it the next day for her
[after i already did]
so i told my mom to return it.
[she didnt, but is going to tomorrow]
but i never told Krystal
because i felt like an idiot.
Mariah took it seriously and went and bought a dress. wtf? i just dont like how it sounds.
But she was in one changing room while me n jessiKem were in the other and Krystal was on the phone with her mom talking about the dress and i told jessie how i had bought one for more than the price there was at the store we were at. did that make sense? yes i think so.
anyways, so then she realized that i wasnt telling her something.
and thats what prompted me to re-inform jessie about my secret
which i had already told her about when she spent the night at my house
and we were high as hell with crab rangoon in the sky.
I also told Lucy who laughed and told me she loved me no mattr what.
it was comforting because i know what krystals reaction would be....
it wouldnt be pretty and im scared for that.
damnit my mom is a bitch. i've ee sleeping since i got home at 5:30 and she's been fuckin bothering me every fuckin half hour to either wake up or come downstairs for food. im not fuckin hungry god dammit. so the i ake the comp upstairs so i can blog before i pass out...and she fucking just waltzs right in my room without even fuckin knocking. what a god damn bitch. if it werent for my friends, seriously i would have killed her a long time ago.
gtg. the bitch is bitching. surprise.
Now you may ask why my best friend hasnt been informed?
1) it concerns her. she would freak out. no im not even kidding.
2)Jessie and Lucy said it would be bettr if she didnt know and i worked on myself for awhile
3) I'm scared to lose her because its clear to me that for some reason my life would be absolute crap without her....scary thought when you're unhealthily attatched to one person.
But the point it..she doesnt know and she knows that im not telling her.
The other thing:
i bought krystal a dress
because i was convinced that that is what best friends do.
However, she then told me not to buy it the next day for her
[after i already did]
so i told my mom to return it.
[she didnt, but is going to tomorrow]
but i never told Krystal
because i felt like an idiot.
Mariah took it seriously and went and bought a dress. wtf? i just dont like how it sounds.
But she was in one changing room while me n jessiKem were in the other and Krystal was on the phone with her mom talking about the dress and i told jessie how i had bought one for more than the price there was at the store we were at. did that make sense? yes i think so.
anyways, so then she realized that i wasnt telling her something.
and thats what prompted me to re-inform jessie about my secret
which i had already told her about when she spent the night at my house
and we were high as hell with crab rangoon in the sky.
I also told Lucy who laughed and told me she loved me no mattr what.
it was comforting because i know what krystals reaction would be....
it wouldnt be pretty and im scared for that.
damnit my mom is a bitch. i've ee sleeping since i got home at 5:30 and she's been fuckin bothering me every fuckin half hour to either wake up or come downstairs for food. im not fuckin hungry god dammit. so the i ake the comp upstairs so i can blog before i pass out...and she fucking just waltzs right in my room without even fuckin knocking. what a god damn bitch. if it werent for my friends, seriously i would have killed her a long time ago.
gtg. the bitch is bitching. surprise.
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