last year

Around this time last year, May 2007, my life was completely different.
I was dating David Jimenez. I had an amazing best friend who spent the last day of school running around with me havign a lightsabre fight. We were crushign on mr. geelan and torturing mrs. bonanno. We were just waiting for summer ya know?
we had plans like warped tour, harry potter, and band camp. life was almost simple. Krystal was crushing on Mario. Jessie birthday party on May 29 would feature Lucy and Joe as a couple.
Jessie was into Joshy-Woshy who debuted at her party as well.
I was planning to join band.
my mom had recenty come home from a three month absence.
all we wanted was parties--to drink n smoke weed. krystal had yet to ever do both at the same time.
We were a quarttett and we were SO fucking happy. we had matching birthday sweet 16 shirts. we seriously were invincible.

and in one single year---everything has turned around.
I'm with Paul--the most amazing boy in the world for me and ive never felt so strongly for a boy in my life. ive grown super attatched to him. krystal and i arent even civil--let alone friends or even a fraction of what we used to be. I got expelled. jessie had a serious relationship with a boy i thought she would marry--but theyve recently broken up. Lucy and Joe were apart for a couple months too but are back together. krystal dated Bob and broke his heart twice. Ive come to actually like Bob. Ive grown close to kelly and jacab--ppl i never wouldve imagined myself with.
The biggest change? the attitudes.
i dont even want the quarttett to get back together.
i dont even want krystal to be my best friend again.
shit, i dont even want to be around lucy or jessie.
i dont know if i want edgewater or bishop moore.
i dont know if i even wanna put myself through colorguard with them.
because they were the reason i joined.
i dont wanna leave Paul
or my new friends.
and i dont want to throw myself into a situation where im going to be miserable for my senior year. its absolutely an impossible decision. and i cant make it.

ill tell you one thing that making me want back bishop moore--- the schedule swap for orange county public school.
middle schools used ot start at 920 and get out at 350.
highschools used to start at 720 and be out at 211.
Nex year?
Middle schools go from 7 to 3
high schools go from 915 to 411.

its insane. and i rlly dont like this schedule flop. its retarted.
I rlly dont have too much of a reason to dislike it.
maybe im just usign it as an excuse for wanting to go back to BM so badly.

but heres the thing---i dont even know if ill be able to go back. supposedly theres a waiting list. my mom assures me that mrs. kane wont let me not come back in when she said she would. but idk.
i feel like im just going back where i started.
and i want to be part of Edgewaters senior year, but i SO badly wanna graduate with my friends at Bishop Moore.
but what friends?
this is why im in a dilemma.
i spent the day crying.
because its jessies birthday.
and last year jessies birthday was one of the best days ever, ut now its just a reminder that im not there and ill never get back these days im missing. but i would give them up would i? i like that i met paul and my friends. but idk. and i cant say anything with certainty anymore and its driving me out of my mind. idek.

its funny

how this all works out. i sorta hate edgewater highschool. but at the same time---the more i stay, the more i like it. and I find myself ashamed of wanting to go back to Bishop moore. I feel proud of the Eagles.

but i dont want this. I want to be back at Bishop Moore with Jessie, guard, Band, and the class of 2009 i grew up with.

then i screwed up again today and it seems like that chance of getting back to the hornet nest is out of reach. Was it ever even so close or did i just hang out to it out of hope? I want to go back--at least, i think i do.

But why?

I'll be putting myself through living with Krystal nearby but distanced completely. I'll be dealing with being on guard when mrs. laur and barker will be wathcing like a hawk. I'll be under Krystals leadership. I'll be subjected to classes i previously had a hard time passing. I'll be back with the rules i could never follow---the teachers i could never respect. why would any sane person want to go back there?

I think im imagining that when i go back---it'll be like it was. but it cant be. Not after all this anger and hatred i have for the ppl i used to call my friends. Not after she cant even by my friend on fucking facebook. Not after i lost my bishop moore junior prom, i lost savannah, im loosing graduation and the moving up ceremony. it cant be the same so why bother? i can start my own new life at edgewater, right?

I dont even know what to do. cause im envious of them at bishop moore. Those lucky pricks with their guard, band, and friends. with the teachers who actually care. the students they all know and love. Nobody there knows how lucky they are. and i dont need to be a par tof that but i want to be soo bad.

its not even about her, though sometimes it feels like it is, but when i catch myself remembering jigalo and hey casey and band camp--those are memories of other ppl too and i know its not about how i miss her. its about how much i fuckin miss everyone.

and im giving up SO much to try and get back but today it seems like its all for nothing. and im sick of feeling like this. its been almost two months. im still not over it. will i ever be? i mean, you dont find the friends like i had often. i had to wait four years to get krystal and jessie and lucy. i dont know if i can wait another four years without best friends...not after ive been subejcted to the coolest parts of friendship.

heres what set me off. im tryingout for edgewater outdoor guard tomorrow in preparation that i just might eb stuck for another year here. then i hear that lucy and krystal are going to. and it doesnt rlly bother me, but yeah it kinda does. because im at edgewater due to saving everyone else's ass. nobody seems to realize that. but like---edgewater is where i go. its the one place they CANT go and i get to escape from them. and now their invading it. like---come on! i dont go on to BM and fucking take over the things that help you forget about me so stay the fuck away from an audtion that you have absolutely NO REASON to be at. seriously.

im so done. and i dont know what im going to do. hornets or eagles?