Pools of Sorrow
Waves of Joy
Jai Guru De Va
Adjective for September 30th, 2007: Unsatisfactory.
yesterday, i saw Across The Universe. it was amazing. but i knew it would be. not a shockr.
And JessiKem got to spend the night and she told me the secret. haha. she is my little criminal and i love her.
but thats no the point.
She left me the donuts this morning. yummm. those r all gone now. and they were delicious.
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
LOVE
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED
thats what is waving through my speakers
and its actually putting me into a slighty more decent mood.
LOVE
so i woke up...lat-ish today. and Jessie had already left. i dont rlly remember he leaving, but i think i dreamt that someone kissed my cheek and said "bye bye rie rie" so that prolly wasnt a dream.
i can never fuckin remember shit in the mornings.
but...uhm...where was i? my mood is escalating huzzah!
but...uhm...then i had chores to do. not cool.
Krystal was supposed to come over considering she hasnt come over ot my house and spent time with her precious best friend since the Busch Trip before school started. UNCOOL.
but i called and told her not to because i was fighitng with my mom and i'd gotten myself depressed with overthinking the good things in life.
Mind you, i'm still ready to murder the women who unfortunately brought me into this heinus world, but at least my emotions are improving. and my myspace looks pretty good.
Didn't know i had one of those dija?
well heres the link in case u dont have it, which i cannot imagine how that would happen but whateve
http://www.myspace.com/themariah
yes it's very creative. haha toodles.
Jai Guru De Va
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
though u swear
the definition of a bad day: TODAY
i seem to have a lot of those. i will break it down for you. keep up cause im not in the mood to go slow and try to be wittily creative about any of the shit that has gone down.
Alright. We start early this morning....6:30ish. lucy calls, as usual. i answer, she tells me to wake up cause shell be here in thirty. i say okay then i hang up.
I fall back asleep.
i wake up about five minutes til pick up...and i leave her a message which i cannot remember what the hell it said cause i never remember anything in the mornings; something about dont bother picking me up cause i wanst awake and i didnt want to be.
So i tried to go back to sleep. usually this works since my mom doesnt have a job and doesnt wake up til 9ish therefore doesnt realize im not gone. pretty swell. but she was up...and so was my stepdad. so i got about 30-45 minutes of extra sleep.
i get to school and enter third period tardy [at least it was excused] only to sit down [ready for naptime] and hear our flamboyant teacher start bitching about how nobody seems to care about his subject.
...its religion. what does he expect? it doesnt count towards college unless ur going to a religiously affiliated university...and barely anybody is even considering that shit.
So that was bad. uh...seventh period was okay. eighth period we had mr. Gordon as our substitute and he loves me so i got to go to guidance and sign up for my college visits and my first SAT test that actually counts. Makes me kinda nervous. November 3rd....i take the first test towards my future. fuckall!
then chemistry came. i did not understand a damn word in that class. seriously. not a single word. something about 02 plus S8 equals SO2 and thompson and dalton and mulliken or whatever the names are. fifth period comes...i cannot even remember...oh wait yes i can. we were in the language lab which is...odd for american history to be in the spanish/french/latin comp room but whateve. We're doing a project and my partner slightly annoys me. We're doing Lafeyette. or however the fuck u spell it.
and then sixth period.
obviously i didnt hang out with Krystal.
cause she has band.
which i cannot [still] accept.
and it pisses me the fuckall.
but i went to the lab.
and put myself into a better mood by reading the transcript of Eddie Izzard's dress to kill. haha. it was hilarious...but its why i wasnt blogging.
Then Mrs. Bonanno...my ex-bio teacher whos class i failed and who had a certain...interest in me due to attitude and class performance last year decided to scan ym computer which means that she checked which site i was on.
So she started fucking with me.
"whatcha looking at, mariah?"
"its for my history project?"
"oh rlly?"
"yes. i can show you"
"go one then"
so i show her the joke that Eddie makes about General Lafeyette and George Washington. She isnt impressed.
"Do you think thats a site you should be on?"
"Well its for ym project"
"But do u think its appropriate"
"i guess not"
"dont have an attitude. can i not have a conversation with you without you having attitude?"
"sorry" [im not rlly. i still have an attitude]
"so...this isnt appropriate so..."
"im going to log off right now and not return to it when im at school"
"good"
"yeah. bye"
the funny thing is that i had my phone open next to me and she didnt even notice, but she noticed a harmless yet hilarious comedians transcript site i was on.
come on!
so that went bad.
Then comes math. The other class i cannot stand because i feel so stupid. i dont understand simple things. i need an energy drink...which i had already had about 5.
but i was falling asleep. she kept having to wake me up.
So then add in Law Studies...which involved work therefore i could not sleep.
An hour before practice. i discover that Lucy is mad at me because Joe tells me that "she doesnt like u messing with our relationship"
are u kidding me? if it werent for me...he wouldnt have confronted her and thye would still be unsure of whether they were breaking up or not right now. i fuckin helped. i always fuckin do. i do better with other peoples relationships than mine.
and then it just went downhill. i had a bad practice and i dont feel like typing anymore. i'll so some more blogging later or tomorrow or something. im goin to bed.
i seem to have a lot of those. i will break it down for you. keep up cause im not in the mood to go slow and try to be wittily creative about any of the shit that has gone down.
Alright. We start early this morning....6:30ish. lucy calls, as usual. i answer, she tells me to wake up cause shell be here in thirty. i say okay then i hang up.
I fall back asleep.
i wake up about five minutes til pick up...and i leave her a message which i cannot remember what the hell it said cause i never remember anything in the mornings; something about dont bother picking me up cause i wanst awake and i didnt want to be.
So i tried to go back to sleep. usually this works since my mom doesnt have a job and doesnt wake up til 9ish therefore doesnt realize im not gone. pretty swell. but she was up...and so was my stepdad. so i got about 30-45 minutes of extra sleep.
i get to school and enter third period tardy [at least it was excused] only to sit down [ready for naptime] and hear our flamboyant teacher start bitching about how nobody seems to care about his subject.
...its religion. what does he expect? it doesnt count towards college unless ur going to a religiously affiliated university...and barely anybody is even considering that shit.
So that was bad. uh...seventh period was okay. eighth period we had mr. Gordon as our substitute and he loves me so i got to go to guidance and sign up for my college visits and my first SAT test that actually counts. Makes me kinda nervous. November 3rd....i take the first test towards my future. fuckall!
then chemistry came. i did not understand a damn word in that class. seriously. not a single word. something about 02 plus S8 equals SO2 and thompson and dalton and mulliken or whatever the names are. fifth period comes...i cannot even remember...oh wait yes i can. we were in the language lab which is...odd for american history to be in the spanish/french/latin comp room but whateve. We're doing a project and my partner slightly annoys me. We're doing Lafeyette. or however the fuck u spell it.
and then sixth period.
obviously i didnt hang out with Krystal.
cause she has band.
which i cannot [still] accept.
and it pisses me the fuckall.
but i went to the lab.
and put myself into a better mood by reading the transcript of Eddie Izzard's dress to kill. haha. it was hilarious...but its why i wasnt blogging.
Then Mrs. Bonanno...my ex-bio teacher whos class i failed and who had a certain...interest in me due to attitude and class performance last year decided to scan ym computer which means that she checked which site i was on.
So she started fucking with me.
"whatcha looking at, mariah?"
"its for my history project?"
"oh rlly?"
"yes. i can show you"
"go one then"
so i show her the joke that Eddie makes about General Lafeyette and George Washington. She isnt impressed.
"Do you think thats a site you should be on?"
"Well its for ym project"
"But do u think its appropriate"
"i guess not"
"dont have an attitude. can i not have a conversation with you without you having attitude?"
"sorry" [im not rlly. i still have an attitude]
"so...this isnt appropriate so..."
"im going to log off right now and not return to it when im at school"
"good"
"yeah. bye"
the funny thing is that i had my phone open next to me and she didnt even notice, but she noticed a harmless yet hilarious comedians transcript site i was on.
come on!
so that went bad.
Then comes math. The other class i cannot stand because i feel so stupid. i dont understand simple things. i need an energy drink...which i had already had about 5.
but i was falling asleep. she kept having to wake me up.
So then add in Law Studies...which involved work therefore i could not sleep.
An hour before practice. i discover that Lucy is mad at me because Joe tells me that "she doesnt like u messing with our relationship"
are u kidding me? if it werent for me...he wouldnt have confronted her and thye would still be unsure of whether they were breaking up or not right now. i fuckin helped. i always fuckin do. i do better with other peoples relationships than mine.
and then it just went downhill. i had a bad practice and i dont feel like typing anymore. i'll so some more blogging later or tomorrow or something. im goin to bed.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
amped
i just threw away my energy drink.
i had to...so i could get into the library.
but i wouldnt have had to if i could stay in the band room with krystal and just eat lunch there.
now im pissed. u have no idea....im shaking.
She told me to quit being a bitch about it.
"mariah stop being such a bitch about this"
....are u kidding me? of course i would be pissed...who wouldnt? everyone else seems to get it but her. i hate how shes the only person who never seems to know..even though shes my "best friend" off playin her fricken baritone instead of at least pretending like she gives a s rats ass about me.
The dream couple is getting better. Bu they've sworn not to involve anyone...i think its because Lucy got jealous because Joe would talk to me about how he was feeling and i would convince him to talk to her and then i would convey everything he said to me to her and visaversa. you know what i mean? its just an idea.
And poor Jessie. shes the one im mostly worried about. She's cut off from all of us. Her homeroom is in main, the only class she has with any of us is Chem which she shares with Krystal and Lucy, but not me. I feel like i seriously never see her which doesnt help that shes grounded until Oct 8th. What worse--Lucy has made Jessie second, maybe even third, in her life since she has Joe. Exactly what happened to Jessie is what i dont want to happen to me while Krystal dates the stupid selfish and inconsiderate bob. i cannot stand him worth anything at all. seriously.
Today...Lucy called at 6:40 to wake me up "be there in thirty"
damn. i stayed in bet til 6:55. then jumped in the shower, threw clothes on and made my way outside. and as soon as i got outside....Lucy was pulling up before i could even get it out of my backbag to hit. so maybe thats part of my problem...i feel so shaky because i havent gone without it in the mornings since before my mom left last February. Point is...i was tired as hell.
So i get to school....its not that bad of a start. it becomes funny when i walk in...throw my stuff and then fall and go back to sleep. someone mutters "double-shot expresso" and i shoot up like a catepult. "HECK YES I WANT SOME COFFEE!!" so i survive on coffee until...chemistry.
oh no. the chem re-take. the reason why im so tired. i was up ALL night trying to learn a months worth of material before sunrise. I had Kat and Krystal [trig honors students and smart chem kids] online typing me step by step instructions on figuring all these weird conversions out on the sample test. they helped SO much. but i was up all night perfecting my Scientific notation, significant figures, temperatures, density, and mass, distance, volume, conversion stuff.
CHem class come...im stressing like crazy---and i NEVER stress. it was weird...i pullled a Krystal...where i completely spaz about a test and end up second-guessing myself to a low grade. not good.
However there is a plus side.
He gave us the answer key so we could see what we did right and wrong. i got the majority of them right, but the problem was that i didnt finish the last nine. So i quickly completed them and only got a minues five.
Even better? hes putting the test and the key online and giving us the oppurtunity to show our work and fix our mistakes. then he's going to average the 2 grades together for a test grade.
Theres no way to fail that...THE ANSWERS ARE ON THE DAMN COMPUTER AND THE TEST IS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU not even I can fail that...and i've never passed a take-home test. sad. pathetic. oh well.
so that chem test is in the bag...thank god.
but then go to history...where my day turns sour. last period...i walk in to class to discover that a group i participated in recieved a D for our group project. i was like WHAT a D??! ar eu kidding me?
the teacher kinds likes me...he thinks im funny and he knows that i know my history like harry potter books. So i go and explain to him. i think i did a pretty good job.
i said "Sir, the requirements for the project were that it had to be original, entertaining, factual, organized, and everyone had to participate. We got four out of 5 because we can deduce that it wasnt that factual, but thats not the point. The point is that 4/5 does not deserve a D because we worked hard on it and it was one of the better presentations. YOU even laughed and enjoyed it. So it deserves at least a C if not a B"
It worked damn well. He took a class vote and reconsidered explaining that it wasnt like he meant to give us a D...he just used a rubric and didnt even think about what he was grading. thats rlly conforting. but...that means that grade isnt that bad.
Then we took our history test.
damn.
i failed.
its the same as if i took a test on the insignificant facts in the sixth HP book.
I know most of them, and i know the general common knowledge, but i cant get u specifics and stuff without brushing up on my info.
So i failed. damn. and my essays? complete bull. I confused The battle of Princeton with the battle of Treton ....which i think is the one with Forst Ticonderoga on xmas eve after corssing the deleware, but i know i was wrong when i said Princeton was the battle where the british won but the americans suffered less severe losses....because that was bunker hill which i realized after is was too late. damn.
Then i got clalled down to the dean's office. not good. got a saturday school for skipping 2 detentions. SHIT. and some dumb teacher freakin lied to Dean Higgans because i know i was nowehre near the cafe yesterday....i wa sin the band room the entire time so wtf.
and now im at sixth where im in the shitty library illegally on a blog site which i still dont know if they're allowed...my best friend is in band probably having a fan-fucing-tastic time and im completely looking forward to the arrival of two boys who i canr stand but at least they are someone to talk to. one of them actually ust walked in. god this sucks. i have been reduced to this?
oh how the mighty have fallen.
but appearently im a bitch for being subjecting to this and hating every fuckin second. this blows.
i had to...so i could get into the library.
but i wouldnt have had to if i could stay in the band room with krystal and just eat lunch there.
now im pissed. u have no idea....im shaking.
She told me to quit being a bitch about it.
"mariah stop being such a bitch about this"
....are u kidding me? of course i would be pissed...who wouldnt? everyone else seems to get it but her. i hate how shes the only person who never seems to know..even though shes my "best friend" off playin her fricken baritone instead of at least pretending like she gives a s rats ass about me.
The dream couple is getting better. Bu they've sworn not to involve anyone...i think its because Lucy got jealous because Joe would talk to me about how he was feeling and i would convince him to talk to her and then i would convey everything he said to me to her and visaversa. you know what i mean? its just an idea.
And poor Jessie. shes the one im mostly worried about. She's cut off from all of us. Her homeroom is in main, the only class she has with any of us is Chem which she shares with Krystal and Lucy, but not me. I feel like i seriously never see her which doesnt help that shes grounded until Oct 8th. What worse--Lucy has made Jessie second, maybe even third, in her life since she has Joe. Exactly what happened to Jessie is what i dont want to happen to me while Krystal dates the stupid selfish and inconsiderate bob. i cannot stand him worth anything at all. seriously.
Today...Lucy called at 6:40 to wake me up "be there in thirty"
damn. i stayed in bet til 6:55. then jumped in the shower, threw clothes on and made my way outside. and as soon as i got outside....Lucy was pulling up before i could even get it out of my backbag to hit. so maybe thats part of my problem...i feel so shaky because i havent gone without it in the mornings since before my mom left last February. Point is...i was tired as hell.
So i get to school....its not that bad of a start. it becomes funny when i walk in...throw my stuff and then fall and go back to sleep. someone mutters "double-shot expresso" and i shoot up like a catepult. "HECK YES I WANT SOME COFFEE!!" so i survive on coffee until...chemistry.
oh no. the chem re-take. the reason why im so tired. i was up ALL night trying to learn a months worth of material before sunrise. I had Kat and Krystal [trig honors students and smart chem kids] online typing me step by step instructions on figuring all these weird conversions out on the sample test. they helped SO much. but i was up all night perfecting my Scientific notation, significant figures, temperatures, density, and mass, distance, volume, conversion stuff.
CHem class come...im stressing like crazy---and i NEVER stress. it was weird...i pullled a Krystal...where i completely spaz about a test and end up second-guessing myself to a low grade. not good.
However there is a plus side.
He gave us the answer key so we could see what we did right and wrong. i got the majority of them right, but the problem was that i didnt finish the last nine. So i quickly completed them and only got a minues five.
Even better? hes putting the test and the key online and giving us the oppurtunity to show our work and fix our mistakes. then he's going to average the 2 grades together for a test grade.
Theres no way to fail that...THE ANSWERS ARE ON THE DAMN COMPUTER AND THE TEST IS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU not even I can fail that...and i've never passed a take-home test. sad. pathetic. oh well.
so that chem test is in the bag...thank god.
but then go to history...where my day turns sour. last period...i walk in to class to discover that a group i participated in recieved a D for our group project. i was like WHAT a D??! ar eu kidding me?
the teacher kinds likes me...he thinks im funny and he knows that i know my history like harry potter books. So i go and explain to him. i think i did a pretty good job.
i said "Sir, the requirements for the project were that it had to be original, entertaining, factual, organized, and everyone had to participate. We got four out of 5 because we can deduce that it wasnt that factual, but thats not the point. The point is that 4/5 does not deserve a D because we worked hard on it and it was one of the better presentations. YOU even laughed and enjoyed it. So it deserves at least a C if not a B"
It worked damn well. He took a class vote and reconsidered explaining that it wasnt like he meant to give us a D...he just used a rubric and didnt even think about what he was grading. thats rlly conforting. but...that means that grade isnt that bad.
Then we took our history test.
damn.
i failed.
its the same as if i took a test on the insignificant facts in the sixth HP book.
I know most of them, and i know the general common knowledge, but i cant get u specifics and stuff without brushing up on my info.
So i failed. damn. and my essays? complete bull. I confused The battle of Princeton with the battle of Treton ....which i think is the one with Forst Ticonderoga on xmas eve after corssing the deleware, but i know i was wrong when i said Princeton was the battle where the british won but the americans suffered less severe losses....because that was bunker hill which i realized after is was too late. damn.
Then i got clalled down to the dean's office. not good. got a saturday school for skipping 2 detentions. SHIT. and some dumb teacher freakin lied to Dean Higgans because i know i was nowehre near the cafe yesterday....i wa sin the band room the entire time so wtf.
and now im at sixth where im in the shitty library illegally on a blog site which i still dont know if they're allowed...my best friend is in band probably having a fan-fucing-tastic time and im completely looking forward to the arrival of two boys who i canr stand but at least they are someone to talk to. one of them actually ust walked in. god this sucks. i have been reduced to this?
oh how the mighty have fallen.
but appearently im a bitch for being subjecting to this and hating every fuckin second. this blows.
Monday, September 24, 2007
With a little help from my friends...
I get by with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends
oh, im gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
i need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
i want somebody to love.
Yes. thats how i feel. I love my friends. Krystal, Lucy, Jessie, Lisa, Mikael, Jacob, Kat, Joe, and Sylvan. Then there are others....like say Kevin, Aidan, Marie, and Elizabeth. People who i dont rlly hang out with outside of school but help me get through shitty school days.
I've noticed a certain....irritation about today.
it was supposed to be a good day.
obviously, as mentioned in my last blog, it wasnt.
It actually rather sucked.
Here is my life: no romantic prospects. I mean, there's Jordan....but he's an asshole who only wants me for sex. thats 1. Then there is Josh who is a cute little crush but shows NO signs of interest whatsoever. that could be 2. There's also someone else in my history class, but thats a not gonna happen. I'll count that as 3. Let's also add in Paul, Nick, Mikael and Jacob. Oh yeah and we cant forget the slight attraction to whats-his-name in my english class. thats....1...2...3....4 5 6 7...8?
wow. that is so whorish. Im not even hooking up with all of them [I WISH]. i've only kissed...4 of them and thats pretty good for someone who has a slighty permiscious view of life.
I'm actually trying to stop that. I would like to try and settle.
which is ironic because Lucy and Joe are having relationship....puntures based on settling. Lucy is kinda boringly tied down and misses getting action from other guys. it sounds bad when i say it like that, but honestly, i can understand her completely. which is really not good.
I mean. there will always be...
Kat and Aidan. [2 yrs]
Rachel and Ryan. [1.5 yrs]
Millie and Anthony.[...almost a year]
Lindsey and Ryan.[1 yr]
Lisa and Sylvan. [...LONG time]
Lucy and Joe.[4 mths]
I'm not even kidding. i seriously view Lucy and Joe as inseperable even though they havent been dating for that long. They've just become a couple so much in my life...its unimaginable. no joke.
im about to fall asleep over my keyboard. so ima go to bed now. niy niy.
I get high with a little help from my friends
oh, im gonna try with a little help from my friends.
Do you need anybody?
i need somebody to love
Could it be anybody?
i want somebody to love.
Yes. thats how i feel. I love my friends. Krystal, Lucy, Jessie, Lisa, Mikael, Jacob, Kat, Joe, and Sylvan. Then there are others....like say Kevin, Aidan, Marie, and Elizabeth. People who i dont rlly hang out with outside of school but help me get through shitty school days.
I've noticed a certain....irritation about today.
it was supposed to be a good day.
obviously, as mentioned in my last blog, it wasnt.
It actually rather sucked.
Here is my life: no romantic prospects. I mean, there's Jordan....but he's an asshole who only wants me for sex. thats 1. Then there is Josh who is a cute little crush but shows NO signs of interest whatsoever. that could be 2. There's also someone else in my history class, but thats a not gonna happen. I'll count that as 3. Let's also add in Paul, Nick, Mikael and Jacob. Oh yeah and we cant forget the slight attraction to whats-his-name in my english class. thats....1...2...3....4 5 6 7...8?
wow. that is so whorish. Im not even hooking up with all of them [I WISH]. i've only kissed...4 of them and thats pretty good for someone who has a slighty permiscious view of life.
I'm actually trying to stop that. I would like to try and settle.
which is ironic because Lucy and Joe are having relationship....puntures based on settling. Lucy is kinda boringly tied down and misses getting action from other guys. it sounds bad when i say it like that, but honestly, i can understand her completely. which is really not good.
I mean. there will always be...
Kat and Aidan. [2 yrs]
Rachel and Ryan. [1.5 yrs]
Millie and Anthony.[...almost a year]
Lindsey and Ryan.[1 yr]
Lisa and Sylvan. [...LONG time]
Lucy and Joe.[4 mths]
I'm not even kidding. i seriously view Lucy and Joe as inseperable even though they havent been dating for that long. They've just become a couple so much in my life...its unimaginable. no joke.
im about to fall asleep over my keyboard. so ima go to bed now. niy niy.
The Highs of The Lows
I wrote about that feeling...the one where you're really down and nothing can 'lift' you up, right?
yeah thats now.
i had a good day. really i did. and i was trying my hardest not to let anything bother me. i think i did a fine job.
up until now. im not sure if im allowed on blog sites on the school computer, or if in a few seconds one of the teachers will call my name, tell me to get off the computer, or simply override and exit it for me. I'm not worried, though, because im nnot doing anything wrong. and i dont remember reading blog sites on the list of things we cant go on.
i have my ID on.
my shirt is (mostly) tucked in.
I dont have any homework due.
I'm not hungry.
and i left my phone in Lucy's car this morning.
SO the term "I have nothing to do" truly applies.
Usually, on sixth period of a typical school day, i would be with my best friend enjoying lunch in the band room.
not anymore. She;s switched out.
Amazing as it is, i cant get out of my chem class and my geometry class, yet she's managed about 3 switches so far. it's completely riddiculous. Something always stops me....when she's able to step forward.
She used to play baritone/trombone in low brass for our band.
This year she switched to colorguard with me, lucy, and lisa [and mariana].
Lisa used to play clarinet in the woodwinds last year
and sometimes, when our coach leaves, Lisa will play some stands music on Catherine's clarinet: completely harmless.
but....Krystal wanted to do that too at the last game...mom wouldnt let her.
So she started crying. it bothered her that she had to choose.
and now she has found a way where she doesnt have to choose.
She'll play baritone for concert season and colorguard for the football season.
Lisa will be doing that too.
Usually, this wouldnt have mattered to me.
I mean if she wants to do something that makes her happy then power to her.
but...there's nobody in my lunch.
and i barely see her, Lucy, Lisa or Jessie as it is.
The only person of my friends who i have a single class with....is Sylvan in math. i dont sit anywhere near him.
So on days like this, where everything just sucks...i rlly want to go home but i cant stand being there when i could possibly not be. that make sense?
but there has been some good news: Lindsey is back.
She's not dead which was a real worry...im not even kidding.
She flipped her car because she couldnt see when a peice of paper blocked her vision.
when i say 'flipped', i mean FLIPPED THE EFF OVER. i've seen the pictures. her carpool is lucky to be alive in my opinion and all she had is a few scratches and bumps.
She's riding home with Krystal today who cannot parallel park to save her life. honestly.
and this is why i avoid the hassels of driving: danger. responsibility. money.
I have work tonight...woo hoo....NOT
yes let's make the announced athiest who got expelled from SCS go coordinate the youth ministry at the same church that kicked her out! good idea!
just keep repeating
yeah thats now.
i had a good day. really i did. and i was trying my hardest not to let anything bother me. i think i did a fine job.
up until now. im not sure if im allowed on blog sites on the school computer, or if in a few seconds one of the teachers will call my name, tell me to get off the computer, or simply override and exit it for me. I'm not worried, though, because im nnot doing anything wrong. and i dont remember reading blog sites on the list of things we cant go on.
i have my ID on.
my shirt is (mostly) tucked in.
I dont have any homework due.
I'm not hungry.
and i left my phone in Lucy's car this morning.
SO the term "I have nothing to do" truly applies.
Usually, on sixth period of a typical school day, i would be with my best friend enjoying lunch in the band room.
not anymore. She;s switched out.
Amazing as it is, i cant get out of my chem class and my geometry class, yet she's managed about 3 switches so far. it's completely riddiculous. Something always stops me....when she's able to step forward.
She used to play baritone/trombone in low brass for our band.
This year she switched to colorguard with me, lucy, and lisa [and mariana].
Lisa used to play clarinet in the woodwinds last year
and sometimes, when our coach leaves, Lisa will play some stands music on Catherine's clarinet: completely harmless.
but....Krystal wanted to do that too at the last game...mom wouldnt let her.
So she started crying. it bothered her that she had to choose.
and now she has found a way where she doesnt have to choose.
She'll play baritone for concert season and colorguard for the football season.
Lisa will be doing that too.
Usually, this wouldnt have mattered to me.
I mean if she wants to do something that makes her happy then power to her.
but...there's nobody in my lunch.
and i barely see her, Lucy, Lisa or Jessie as it is.
The only person of my friends who i have a single class with....is Sylvan in math. i dont sit anywhere near him.
So on days like this, where everything just sucks...i rlly want to go home but i cant stand being there when i could possibly not be. that make sense?
but there has been some good news: Lindsey is back.
She's not dead which was a real worry...im not even kidding.
She flipped her car because she couldnt see when a peice of paper blocked her vision.
when i say 'flipped', i mean FLIPPED THE EFF OVER. i've seen the pictures. her carpool is lucky to be alive in my opinion and all she had is a few scratches and bumps.
She's riding home with Krystal today who cannot parallel park to save her life. honestly.
and this is why i avoid the hassels of driving: danger. responsibility. money.
I have work tonight...woo hoo....NOT
yes let's make the announced athiest who got expelled from SCS go coordinate the youth ministry at the same church that kicked her out! good idea!
just keep repeating
today is going to be a good day today is going to be a good day because no matter what happens it's my attitude that makes it good or bad. today is going to be a good day. today is going to be a good day because i want it to be. because i need it to be.
yeah this is NOT working. damn. twenty 3 minues remaining. this year is going to suck.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Nothing's gonna change my world...
It's the euphoric pleasure of being out of the house,
the immense satisfaction of being invited
the reward of submissing to the whim of the crowd
and loving every fuckin second
From one extreme to the next,
Everything's going to be fine
you go from your lowest
and then you feel like you're tripping balls high
eventually you sink a little
the adrenaline rush dwindles
and the passion blows away
even though that esctatic swelling inside your heart has left
just remembering that it was there
is enough to plant a smile and watch it grow
Nothing can bring you down
but nothing can lift you up
so stay in the middle
and enjoy it while it's there
because as soon as your ready to cherish it...it'll disappear
you'll be depressed immensly or immensly giddy
it's a shame we cant always balance in between
but if we stopped traveling from top to bottom
then we would have nothing to talk about
when we're stumbling in the center
----mfa
I had a good day yesterday. and a good night. and i've had a good morning. planning on a good tomorrow. Life is good.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
every little thing...
- is gonna be alright. singing dont worry. about a thing
cause every litte thing. is gonna be alright.
had my doctors appointment today. went....bad =[ cause he told me not to spin anymore. but i am anyways. oh well. i have a chip fracture and i have tro wear a brace.
we're supposed to get an MRI on monday...but we cant afford one =[
oh fuckin well...i didnt rlly care either way.
THE QUARTTETT HAS BEEN DISSOLVED
but dont worry...this is a good thing. we dissolved the quarttett mutually in its labeled form because...its extra pressure. not only that but after everything that Lisa has done for me...i cant stand making her and our other friends feel bad. now that i know the feeling.
*THE AWARD CEREMONY *
this is where i am going to give out the awards based on friendhsip
here are the categories and finalists.
BEST UNDERSTANDING
Jessie JessiKem MM
BEST AT TALKING AND MAKING THINGS BETTER
Lucy Lulu CG
PHSYCOLOGIST AND "THERE 4 MARIAH" AWARD
Lisa Licer LS
BEST BOYFRIEND AWARD
Joe Jay AC
FUNNIEST & MOST AWKWARD MAKE UP EVER AWARD
Sugarplum Krystal Meth LaBalls
and thats my award show. needless to say, everything is better now. i dont rlly feel like typing..since my hand is in a brace and all plus im hungry and i dont want my mom pissed at me. so ima go
lol. everything is all better now. =D nothing to worry about errr. right? haha toodles
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Faults.
I said i would do this. I already started and im sticking to it.
so why am i crying? When i broke up with the quarttett, i knew i would miss them. I knew that i would feel bad when they were off doing things with each other and i wasnt, but i imagined that i would have Mikael and jacob by my side. Maybe even Lisa or Kat.
Today just fucked that all up. And i dont think i've ever felt lower.
I texted with lisa and Lucy. I said i was fine. they dont know that i wont be there tomorrow either. I didnt feel it necessary to explain. It didnt even sound like they missed me. At all. texted Krystal too...because i dont understand the religion homework. No response. and mariah drops one notch lower.
So i call Bennett. I ask him to come over after his photogaphy meeting to come and see me because im feeling low and depressed. I say that he can bring other people...i say this because im hoping beyong hope that he'll make Lucy or Krystal or Jacob come with him...because i want to see them all. but he comes alone.
I call jacob to see if he wants to come hang out...but he's in a car with Lucy and Krystal. They're laughing and having a good time in the backround. Another notch down.
He asks them when he'll be back...i can hear a muffled response and then he tells me that they wont be back until later. Another notch lower.
So i hang up. Lucy and Krystal and Jacob were off having a good time and i was ready to kill myself. And what puts me in the worse funk of my entire life is that...if i hadnt brokwn up with the quarttett...then i would be with them.
So i almost suck it up..call them....explain things to them and apologize.
but i said i would do this and i need to stick with it.
This is one of those times i wish i could drive. I would simply drive me and Mikael to go get ice cream...or go get something. we could go to the mall and do something fun. I dunno...it just...i needed to hear my friends voices...and all i got was some noise in the backround. now i feel like shit.
I want to cheer myself up so bad...but my stepdad took my moms car and so the both of us are just stuck in this house. i dont have any money either. So theres nothing to do, im bored out of my mind and feeling an my all-time lowest. god. this plain old sucks.
now im getting irritated with myself.
Can i not last a week without them? am i that attatched? am i such a freakin baby that i cry when they're off together. but i feel as if Jacob was mine...and now he's theirs. and all thats left is me and Mikael. He didnt mean anything by it, but Jacob hurt me. And now, i know, there will be a wall. and i feel horrible, but i cant help it.
So now i will drink my arizona tea and cry. I'll hope that nasty salty tears do not mix with m drink. because then it would be just as sour as everything else in my life...and it would be entirely my fault.
so why am i crying? When i broke up with the quarttett, i knew i would miss them. I knew that i would feel bad when they were off doing things with each other and i wasnt, but i imagined that i would have Mikael and jacob by my side. Maybe even Lisa or Kat.
Today just fucked that all up. And i dont think i've ever felt lower.
I texted with lisa and Lucy. I said i was fine. they dont know that i wont be there tomorrow either. I didnt feel it necessary to explain. It didnt even sound like they missed me. At all. texted Krystal too...because i dont understand the religion homework. No response. and mariah drops one notch lower.
So i call Bennett. I ask him to come over after his photogaphy meeting to come and see me because im feeling low and depressed. I say that he can bring other people...i say this because im hoping beyong hope that he'll make Lucy or Krystal or Jacob come with him...because i want to see them all. but he comes alone.
I call jacob to see if he wants to come hang out...but he's in a car with Lucy and Krystal. They're laughing and having a good time in the backround. Another notch down.
He asks them when he'll be back...i can hear a muffled response and then he tells me that they wont be back until later. Another notch lower.
So i hang up. Lucy and Krystal and Jacob were off having a good time and i was ready to kill myself. And what puts me in the worse funk of my entire life is that...if i hadnt brokwn up with the quarttett...then i would be with them.
So i almost suck it up..call them....explain things to them and apologize.
but i said i would do this and i need to stick with it.
This is one of those times i wish i could drive. I would simply drive me and Mikael to go get ice cream...or go get something. we could go to the mall and do something fun. I dunno...it just...i needed to hear my friends voices...and all i got was some noise in the backround. now i feel like shit.
I want to cheer myself up so bad...but my stepdad took my moms car and so the both of us are just stuck in this house. i dont have any money either. So theres nothing to do, im bored out of my mind and feeling an my all-time lowest. god. this plain old sucks.
now im getting irritated with myself.
Can i not last a week without them? am i that attatched? am i such a freakin baby that i cry when they're off together. but i feel as if Jacob was mine...and now he's theirs. and all thats left is me and Mikael. He didnt mean anything by it, but Jacob hurt me. And now, i know, there will be a wall. and i feel horrible, but i cant help it.
So now i will drink my arizona tea and cry. I'll hope that nasty salty tears do not mix with m drink. because then it would be just as sour as everything else in my life...and it would be entirely my fault.
Home Home on the Range...
where the dogs and mariah will play...
with bacon and eggs
to make us puke kegs...
and we sleep and cry in bed all day....ooo!
home home on the range....
yeah. thats been my day so far. this sucks.
im not at school...
and im not contacting any of my friends....because it's not their problem [once again]
i have that appointment tomorrow morning. so I'll be late to school...(again!). God its turning into last year. i cant stand it.
And none of my friends have even texted.
nobody has called
or seen whats up.
wow. i sure feel loved.
this is great...
just me, mom, n nick.
fun fun double fun.
thank you god for making this happen.
...no wonder im not a fuckin catholic.
maybe there is a god, wtf do i know.
I've spent almost four years being an athiest. I've enjoyed it. It makes sense to me. I have a good reason to have lost my faith. but during those four yars, it has been instilled in me to say things like "I hope to god..."
"please god..." and stuff like that. I dunno if it's the catholic Indoctrination or my subconscience trying to guide me...but recently i am willing to admit that there could quite possibly be a god. However, it does not mean it is the catholic god they preach about.
Mariah's Views on God and Religion:
-a priest is no holier than someone in the congregation.
-a priest is not a window to god
-if u want to talk to god, pray
-dont pray out loud...because it's between u and god
-dont try to convert people. if they want to see it your way then your god will help them along the path
-god doesnt care if u go to church
-god only cares if u are a true believer. if u believe in your very heart and soul that he is real and that u love him and u put faith in him...then you will be welcomed into heaven
-the bible is all made up. Scenario: an old potsmoker was fortunate enough to come across a Scribe's mansion in the desert after days from escaping prison for theift. He breaks into the home while they are sleeping and steals the papyrus and ink. He finds himself clever. He knows how to write, considering he was quite noble and wealthy before the drugs and evil way of life consumed him. He begins to tell of a story to save his soul...he believed that someone will save him one day. He rights the story of the old Testament, will notes and family lineage. All of the stories are based on the ones he himself have witnessed first hand or have imagined through his creative insentive. He finishes the Old Testament in seven years and then moves on to the New Testament. here, he plans to fulfill those promises his main charatcer made for a new messiah. He writes about a messiah because he knows that in his real life, he could use one. The New testament finishes and his book is complete. A few weeks after completion, he is captured and his belongings are seized. They are then auctioned off to the people. When the crowd gets ahold of these stories and talltales, they begint o preach and worship them like real thing. The Author, our common theif, gets a huge thrill out of this. Little would he know that billions and billions of year later we would be preaching and basing almost every aspect of out lives off of that stupid book full of stories fromt he musings of an old crackpot. the end. Whether thats truly what happened or not...you get the point.
-Humans have no authority to convert, excommunicate, lay down theological laws, or any of that.
-the ten commandments? maybe they are real...we would know considering someone locked them up in the arc of the covenant and now we cant find them. If we find them...i shall change my mind and renig everything i've said. because that would be a sure sign of a god or jesus.
-We know nothing of history. So for all we know, all the info we have is wrong.
-and finally...i make my own desicions. the belief that god is making my desicions or that he gave me free will is enough to piss me off. I will make my own way without the help of a 'god' or any other wannabe installed higher power. got it?
powerful views for a little kid, huh? thats what i would like to think. heres the catch: just because im borderline agnostic and still slightly athiest, does nto mean these views change. i feel too strongly for that.
but here is the simple reason why i think god exists. call me stupid or whatever, but it's what made me start to think.
I had to go make up a religion test [coincidence]. i was completely failing this class with a 7%...which is the second worse grade I've ever gotten [i onmce had a -2% in spanish]
but i walk into the room after school to take my test...i had plans to go see my friends, but he was ebing nice and instead of giving me a zero for missing my original test date, i was told to come after school. but im in a hurry. so i walk in and i say "just give me the test...i dont need the review...just the test im in a hurry"
so i start the test...and then he starts the review...AT THE SAME TIME! so he's got the test in his hands...asking the questions...getting the answers from the class...and then going over and giving the correct answers. OH MY GOD. needless to say i got a high grade. and for some reason...just the coincidence of it all...made me think "damn. someone had my back"
stupid, and it doesnt mean im a god-fearing jesus freak, but maybe there is something that has this habit of ruining ym life and then saving my ass.
anways, this staying at home shit is enough to kill someone. i should be at school. i'm getting into an argument with Asshole over cellphones at school. this is riddiculous. i wanna fuckin leave this damn house and go to fuckin school!
with bacon and eggs
to make us puke kegs...
and we sleep and cry in bed all day....ooo!
home home on the range....
yeah. thats been my day so far. this sucks.
im not at school...
and im not contacting any of my friends....because it's not their problem [once again]
i have that appointment tomorrow morning. so I'll be late to school...(again!). God its turning into last year. i cant stand it.
And none of my friends have even texted.
nobody has called
or seen whats up.
wow. i sure feel loved.
this is great...
just me, mom, n nick.
fun fun double fun.
thank you god for making this happen.
...no wonder im not a fuckin catholic.
maybe there is a god, wtf do i know.
I've spent almost four years being an athiest. I've enjoyed it. It makes sense to me. I have a good reason to have lost my faith. but during those four yars, it has been instilled in me to say things like "I hope to god..."
"please god..." and stuff like that. I dunno if it's the catholic Indoctrination or my subconscience trying to guide me...but recently i am willing to admit that there could quite possibly be a god. However, it does not mean it is the catholic god they preach about.
Mariah's Views on God and Religion:
-a priest is no holier than someone in the congregation.
-a priest is not a window to god
-if u want to talk to god, pray
-dont pray out loud...because it's between u and god
-dont try to convert people. if they want to see it your way then your god will help them along the path
-god doesnt care if u go to church
-god only cares if u are a true believer. if u believe in your very heart and soul that he is real and that u love him and u put faith in him...then you will be welcomed into heaven
-the bible is all made up. Scenario: an old potsmoker was fortunate enough to come across a Scribe's mansion in the desert after days from escaping prison for theift. He breaks into the home while they are sleeping and steals the papyrus and ink. He finds himself clever. He knows how to write, considering he was quite noble and wealthy before the drugs and evil way of life consumed him. He begins to tell of a story to save his soul...he believed that someone will save him one day. He rights the story of the old Testament, will notes and family lineage. All of the stories are based on the ones he himself have witnessed first hand or have imagined through his creative insentive. He finishes the Old Testament in seven years and then moves on to the New Testament. here, he plans to fulfill those promises his main charatcer made for a new messiah. He writes about a messiah because he knows that in his real life, he could use one. The New testament finishes and his book is complete. A few weeks after completion, he is captured and his belongings are seized. They are then auctioned off to the people. When the crowd gets ahold of these stories and talltales, they begint o preach and worship them like real thing. The Author, our common theif, gets a huge thrill out of this. Little would he know that billions and billions of year later we would be preaching and basing almost every aspect of out lives off of that stupid book full of stories fromt he musings of an old crackpot. the end. Whether thats truly what happened or not...you get the point.
-Humans have no authority to convert, excommunicate, lay down theological laws, or any of that.
-the ten commandments? maybe they are real...we would know considering someone locked them up in the arc of the covenant and now we cant find them. If we find them...i shall change my mind and renig everything i've said. because that would be a sure sign of a god or jesus.
-We know nothing of history. So for all we know, all the info we have is wrong.
-and finally...i make my own desicions. the belief that god is making my desicions or that he gave me free will is enough to piss me off. I will make my own way without the help of a 'god' or any other wannabe installed higher power. got it?
powerful views for a little kid, huh? thats what i would like to think. heres the catch: just because im borderline agnostic and still slightly athiest, does nto mean these views change. i feel too strongly for that.
but here is the simple reason why i think god exists. call me stupid or whatever, but it's what made me start to think.
I had to go make up a religion test [coincidence]. i was completely failing this class with a 7%...which is the second worse grade I've ever gotten [i onmce had a -2% in spanish]
but i walk into the room after school to take my test...i had plans to go see my friends, but he was ebing nice and instead of giving me a zero for missing my original test date, i was told to come after school. but im in a hurry. so i walk in and i say "just give me the test...i dont need the review...just the test im in a hurry"
so i start the test...and then he starts the review...AT THE SAME TIME! so he's got the test in his hands...asking the questions...getting the answers from the class...and then going over and giving the correct answers. OH MY GOD. needless to say i got a high grade. and for some reason...just the coincidence of it all...made me think "damn. someone had my back"
stupid, and it doesnt mean im a god-fearing jesus freak, but maybe there is something that has this habit of ruining ym life and then saving my ass.
anways, this staying at home shit is enough to kill someone. i should be at school. i'm getting into an argument with Asshole over cellphones at school. this is riddiculous. i wanna fuckin leave this damn house and go to fuckin school!
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Break-up Song
I broke up with the Quarttett.
The Quarttett: Me, Sugarplum [K, Krystal] Lulu [Lucy, L, Lu], and JessiKem [J, Jess, Jessie]
the four of us are best friend...err....were.
I broke off with the quarttett for two reasons which i will explain fully.
Reason 1-
Last year i went through some serious stuff with my family. My school got involved which only made it worse for me. I ended up intertwining those problems with the ones at school. I thought it would be easier to include my best friend...but i thought it would be easier for me. When i pulled her into this mess...along with her family...i ended up loosing her as a friend. We still talk...but we're not friends anymore because of everything that i did to make it easier on myself without thinking about the people around me.
The same thing is happening this year. It's kind of serious stuff, but it's nothing i cant handle. Eventually, i know it will get better just like last time. And i want so much to pull the Quarttett into it and be able to talk to them, cry with them, and everything. but i dont want to because i dont want what happened between me n Klee to happen between me and them. So...the "breaking of the Quarttett" is much based on me not wanting to hurt them...salf sacrificing enough for ya? yea...
I'm also aware that they cannot handle my mood swings that this family issue brings me. I can go from 'fine and happy' to 'omfg kill me' to 'im going to kill you' to 'im so sad i want to die' to 'let's go get ice cream im in a great mood'....ya get it? I can barely handle myseld...i cant expect them to accomodate me and deal with the bullshit i will undoubtfully bestow upon the Quarttett. That's REASON A
Reason 2-
I am very co-dependent. Which scares me.
Open scenario: i call krystal on Saturday to see what she's up to...but she out with Lucy. i try not to let it bothr me but for some reason it absolutely KILLS me because i needed nothing more than to get out of my house form all this shit and see my friends...but they were busy with each other. i was invited, but didnt hear the phone ring once. Which tells me they didnt try hard enough as it is a known fact that u have to call multple times to get an anwer out of me or anyone who resides within this household.
So i end up feeling like shit all day because they had some quality K/L time. Thats not right. They should be bale to go hang out without me...and i shouldnt begrudge them that. but i couldnt help it.
Because i am "Unhealthily attatched" to my friends. What i mean, is that if im not getting almost constant attention from at least one of them...then i get moody, depressed, pissed, and sad all at the same time.
I hate feeling like this. So i am stopping it. THATS REASON B
my solution? I need to find myself. I need to depend on myself...work through the problems in my life...maybe do some homework...pass a test or something. I need to spend an evening doing my favorite things with not a care in the world...away from the computer...just by myself. Maybe paint my room or clean up the baclyard. it doesnt sound like fun...but i need room for my thoughts. I need to clear my head and rethink what my life is based on and what i want to do with my future due to my past. I can do this best by the Quarttett giving me space and Me going on my own a bit.
I still love them. A lot. probably too much. but im simply takin a break. understandable? You would think so. but its not.
I had the hardest time explaining this to them. Krystal was the hardest. Like...for the first time she was saying things that really affected me. Stupid shit like "I care" and "tell me whats wrong i wanna help you" "i'll always be there for you"
just simple stupid shit that made me cry. which bothers me, but i have sensitive tear glands. She got kinda pissed at me. But it was wearing off by lunchtime. We sat in the band room and had a nice conversation like usual about her and her boyfriend[ the one that me and Joe, Lucy's boyfriend, hate]
All in all, thanks in large part to Mikael [D'mitri], Jacob [Jay, Jaco, jake] and Lisa [Lice, lis, li, l] i made it until after school.
then it just hit me like...wow.
it was actually Lucy who made it happen. Lucy was really pissed when she left my house after i tried explaining to her. it did not go well at all. Then i thought she was accepting it.
Lucy [to k]: dont forget your money tomorrow!
mariah[to L]: for what?
then Mariah gets this look from Lucy...i get the look and then she practically blows me off in a cruel 'you asked for this' kind of way
before she says "T-Shirts"
whcih i opted out of when i was being pissed and moody
so that threw me into a handled depression that i was able to keep in check for the walk to ym house to get K's car.
then we got back to school in the hallway. Mikael and Jacbo werent there to comfort me...
and it was Max on the bass paying sad chords...and Jessie and Krystal right next to me. And i wanted to cry. so i got up and walked away. which im sure pissed of krystal cause she seemed in a bad mood.
and so i ask the ultimate question...
Why am i doing this?
Reason 1 and Reason 2
Lisa says: because ur trying to find yourself.
well why is this so fucking hard. why cant i simply be with my friend cause they care about me and i need the comfort? why is this so difficult...i have to make problems in the relationship because i feel self-pity. god.
as if u couldnt tell, im in a horrible mood. as added to the fact that she's online, im on away message and a million dollars says that we wont IM tonight. and for some reason that really makes me want to cry.
The Quarttett: Me, Sugarplum [K, Krystal] Lulu [Lucy, L, Lu], and JessiKem [J, Jess, Jessie]
the four of us are best friend...err....were.
I broke off with the quarttett for two reasons which i will explain fully.
Reason 1-
Last year i went through some serious stuff with my family. My school got involved which only made it worse for me. I ended up intertwining those problems with the ones at school. I thought it would be easier to include my best friend...but i thought it would be easier for me. When i pulled her into this mess...along with her family...i ended up loosing her as a friend. We still talk...but we're not friends anymore because of everything that i did to make it easier on myself without thinking about the people around me.
The same thing is happening this year. It's kind of serious stuff, but it's nothing i cant handle. Eventually, i know it will get better just like last time. And i want so much to pull the Quarttett into it and be able to talk to them, cry with them, and everything. but i dont want to because i dont want what happened between me n Klee to happen between me and them. So...the "breaking of the Quarttett" is much based on me not wanting to hurt them...salf sacrificing enough for ya? yea...
I'm also aware that they cannot handle my mood swings that this family issue brings me. I can go from 'fine and happy' to 'omfg kill me' to 'im going to kill you' to 'im so sad i want to die' to 'let's go get ice cream im in a great mood'....ya get it? I can barely handle myseld...i cant expect them to accomodate me and deal with the bullshit i will undoubtfully bestow upon the Quarttett. That's REASON A
Reason 2-
I am very co-dependent. Which scares me.
Open scenario: i call krystal on Saturday to see what she's up to...but she out with Lucy. i try not to let it bothr me but for some reason it absolutely KILLS me because i needed nothing more than to get out of my house form all this shit and see my friends...but they were busy with each other. i was invited, but didnt hear the phone ring once. Which tells me they didnt try hard enough as it is a known fact that u have to call multple times to get an anwer out of me or anyone who resides within this household.
So i end up feeling like shit all day because they had some quality K/L time. Thats not right. They should be bale to go hang out without me...and i shouldnt begrudge them that. but i couldnt help it.
Because i am "Unhealthily attatched" to my friends. What i mean, is that if im not getting almost constant attention from at least one of them...then i get moody, depressed, pissed, and sad all at the same time.
I hate feeling like this. So i am stopping it. THATS REASON B
my solution? I need to find myself. I need to depend on myself...work through the problems in my life...maybe do some homework...pass a test or something. I need to spend an evening doing my favorite things with not a care in the world...away from the computer...just by myself. Maybe paint my room or clean up the baclyard. it doesnt sound like fun...but i need room for my thoughts. I need to clear my head and rethink what my life is based on and what i want to do with my future due to my past. I can do this best by the Quarttett giving me space and Me going on my own a bit.
I still love them. A lot. probably too much. but im simply takin a break. understandable? You would think so. but its not.
I had the hardest time explaining this to them. Krystal was the hardest. Like...for the first time she was saying things that really affected me. Stupid shit like "I care" and "tell me whats wrong i wanna help you" "i'll always be there for you"
just simple stupid shit that made me cry. which bothers me, but i have sensitive tear glands. She got kinda pissed at me. But it was wearing off by lunchtime. We sat in the band room and had a nice conversation like usual about her and her boyfriend[ the one that me and Joe, Lucy's boyfriend, hate]
All in all, thanks in large part to Mikael [D'mitri], Jacob [Jay, Jaco, jake] and Lisa [Lice, lis, li, l] i made it until after school.
then it just hit me like...wow.
it was actually Lucy who made it happen. Lucy was really pissed when she left my house after i tried explaining to her. it did not go well at all. Then i thought she was accepting it.
Lucy [to k]: dont forget your money tomorrow!
mariah[to L]: for what?
then Mariah gets this look from Lucy...i get the look and then she practically blows me off in a cruel 'you asked for this' kind of way
before she says "T-Shirts"
whcih i opted out of when i was being pissed and moody
so that threw me into a handled depression that i was able to keep in check for the walk to ym house to get K's car.
then we got back to school in the hallway. Mikael and Jacbo werent there to comfort me...
and it was Max on the bass paying sad chords...and Jessie and Krystal right next to me. And i wanted to cry. so i got up and walked away. which im sure pissed of krystal cause she seemed in a bad mood.
and so i ask the ultimate question...
Why am i doing this?
Reason 1 and Reason 2
Lisa says: because ur trying to find yourself.
well why is this so fucking hard. why cant i simply be with my friend cause they care about me and i need the comfort? why is this so difficult...i have to make problems in the relationship because i feel self-pity. god.
as if u couldnt tell, im in a horrible mood. as added to the fact that she's online, im on away message and a million dollars says that we wont IM tonight. and for some reason that really makes me want to cry.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The Worst Day Ever
it starts with the game on friday.
i last blogged on thursday, right? So, friday was the football game.
no coach, no mariana. just us. AND WE DID AMAZING! had fun dancing, practicing, doin the show...everything. we looked good had a new hairstyle...everything.
but...Sugarplum and her boyfriend sat up front, as per the rule. Lu and Joe did, too. kat and Aidan....lots of ppl sat upfront without me...i sat back with Lisa who was flirting with Steve the entire time. Jessie was flirting with max and Danielle was throwing herself at kevin....therefor i had NOBODY to talk to. it was a sad ride there. which mde me kinda pissed when it got there.
but i eventually got over it. there were a few times when i would try to talk to Sugarplum but she wouldnt even hear me cause of asshole pinprick bob. i hate him for that. cause i hate not getting attention from my bestest friend.
but...it was still fun.
i had invited sugarplum to spend the night after the football game, but she couldnt since she couldnt get a ride. so i called Lu and asked if she wanted to give sugarplum a ride, i wouldpay for gas, and we could all go hang out or something. she said she didnt feel like driving to kissimmee and i apologized for trying to make her into my own personal chauffer.
So saturday [taday], i call sugrplum to see wuddup...but she is with Lu at the mall. Lu went and piked her up. they went to the mall together.
appearently they called, but i didnt hear the phone. ordinarily, you would call again, right? but they only called once.
so i end up feeling like shit the rest of the day.
I break up with my boyfriend. that was fun. we're still hanging out tomorrow
but i told him how i kissed another boy and he was hurt. we're not togethe,r but we're still friends. we've both had a bad week.
so im still upet at my friends for doing this, and thank god i have D'mitri around to talk to or i would be done.
I have discovered god.
he comes in a coffe cup filled with iced cappuccino mix made with powder and fat free skim milk. yum. and that juice of the lord is the reason i am able to talk to you all and am still awake.
and some hot music, sexy shaving, stuff like that. needless to say, im in a better mood and i feel dumb about the whole thing. tomorrow seems brighter. im waiting for a great day =]
i last blogged on thursday, right? So, friday was the football game.
no coach, no mariana. just us. AND WE DID AMAZING! had fun dancing, practicing, doin the show...everything. we looked good had a new hairstyle...everything.
but...Sugarplum and her boyfriend sat up front, as per the rule. Lu and Joe did, too. kat and Aidan....lots of ppl sat upfront without me...i sat back with Lisa who was flirting with Steve the entire time. Jessie was flirting with max and Danielle was throwing herself at kevin....therefor i had NOBODY to talk to. it was a sad ride there. which mde me kinda pissed when it got there.
but i eventually got over it. there were a few times when i would try to talk to Sugarplum but she wouldnt even hear me cause of asshole pinprick bob. i hate him for that. cause i hate not getting attention from my bestest friend.
but...it was still fun.
i had invited sugarplum to spend the night after the football game, but she couldnt since she couldnt get a ride. so i called Lu and asked if she wanted to give sugarplum a ride, i wouldpay for gas, and we could all go hang out or something. she said she didnt feel like driving to kissimmee and i apologized for trying to make her into my own personal chauffer.
So saturday [taday], i call sugrplum to see wuddup...but she is with Lu at the mall. Lu went and piked her up. they went to the mall together.
appearently they called, but i didnt hear the phone. ordinarily, you would call again, right? but they only called once.
so i end up feeling like shit the rest of the day.
I break up with my boyfriend. that was fun. we're still hanging out tomorrow
but i told him how i kissed another boy and he was hurt. we're not togethe,r but we're still friends. we've both had a bad week.
so im still upet at my friends for doing this, and thank god i have D'mitri around to talk to or i would be done.
I have discovered god.
he comes in a coffe cup filled with iced cappuccino mix made with powder and fat free skim milk. yum. and that juice of the lord is the reason i am able to talk to you all and am still awake.
and some hot music, sexy shaving, stuff like that. needless to say, im in a better mood and i feel dumb about the whole thing. tomorrow seems brighter. im waiting for a great day =]
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Did i mention that my time-management sucks?
so of course i was grounded. that was end of August-ish.
lots has happened since then. i shall fill you in. THe first football game ended with a BANG. we did first song and a little bit of the beginning of second, in which i screwed up on. I tried to give D'mitri a hug, but band isnt allowed affection while in uniform. That was first game.
Then second week life progressed. Nothing too important happened. I've been in a distressed depressed mood lately, due to not having a party hard junior year as i was expecting and random other things that just piss me off.
bands practices, classes, fights with mom, loosing my phone, full tights, putt putt golf, and NOT seeing my boyfriend in a LONG time...not to mention cheating on him ensued. It's been a hectic few weeks.
And then we get to second game of the year; last friday.
ick yuck bleh.
we did first song okay and were supposed to know second song and drill. we did fine until the categorized "salmon" part where we look like we're swimming upstream with our flags. then we all kinda...stopped. we looked around, could not for the life of us get back in. it was one of those "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING! OMG!"
hilarious, but disappointing. that will never happen again.
So now, we reach Thursday of the fourth week of school. We're well into September and past the eleventh of pain.
The quarttett [me, sugarplum, L and J] have grown apart. we hardly see each other, never hang out, and dont even think about each other that much. so tomorrow before the ga,e we're having a picnic infront of our school with no one else invited so there!
we now have first song complete, second song complete and third song begun. i hate it cause it has dance which i cant stand.
anyways, my current problem?
I ONLY HAVE ONE GAME FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW AND I CANT ET AHOLD OF MARIANA SO SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HRS SINCE SHE WONT BE AT THE SHOW TONIGHT! GOD DAMN!
nothing i can do. im so fucked.
at least Dom wont be there...and neither will Mariana. just me, Lice, L and Sugarplum.
i will get back to you soon, but i havnt been sleeping well and frankly, im pooped.
night!
lots has happened since then. i shall fill you in. THe first football game ended with a BANG. we did first song and a little bit of the beginning of second, in which i screwed up on. I tried to give D'mitri a hug, but band isnt allowed affection while in uniform. That was first game.
Then second week life progressed. Nothing too important happened. I've been in a distressed depressed mood lately, due to not having a party hard junior year as i was expecting and random other things that just piss me off.
bands practices, classes, fights with mom, loosing my phone, full tights, putt putt golf, and NOT seeing my boyfriend in a LONG time...not to mention cheating on him ensued. It's been a hectic few weeks.
And then we get to second game of the year; last friday.
ick yuck bleh.
we did first song okay and were supposed to know second song and drill. we did fine until the categorized "salmon" part where we look like we're swimming upstream with our flags. then we all kinda...stopped. we looked around, could not for the life of us get back in. it was one of those "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE DOING! OMG!"
hilarious, but disappointing. that will never happen again.
So now, we reach Thursday of the fourth week of school. We're well into September and past the eleventh of pain.
The quarttett [me, sugarplum, L and J] have grown apart. we hardly see each other, never hang out, and dont even think about each other that much. so tomorrow before the ga,e we're having a picnic infront of our school with no one else invited so there!
we now have first song complete, second song complete and third song begun. i hate it cause it has dance which i cant stand.
anyways, my current problem?
I ONLY HAVE ONE GAME FOR THE SHOW TOMORROW AND I CANT ET AHOLD OF MARIANA SO SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HRS SINCE SHE WONT BE AT THE SHOW TONIGHT! GOD DAMN!
nothing i can do. im so fucked.
at least Dom wont be there...and neither will Mariana. just me, Lice, L and Sugarplum.
i will get back to you soon, but i havnt been sleeping well and frankly, im pooped.
night!
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