So this is why they call it "the best time of our lives"
Because we are entering the ability to succeed and to make success.
To be successful. what is it, anyways? each of us have our own idea of success and how we picture it. personally, i would be successful if i successfully manage not to go crazy and successfully commit suicide during this stressful time of my life. you see? all i want is success, but doesnt everybody? and if everybody has it...then i probably wont want it anymore.
Two jobs.
BlackWater
CVS
Permit.
I want to learn to play the flute
I want to learn to read music
I am doing Winter Guard International.
I am trying to have a relationship with a boy i really like.
My room is not clean.
my grades are, granted, unsuccessful, but, mind you, im trying!!
I have my Rollins app complete [minus the Fafsa and final transcript]
I yearn for Columbia and swithcing ym schedule.
I still have the most amazing and supportive friends ever. no really, i do.
Krystal is still with Bob. Lucy is still with Joe. Kat is still with Aidan and Lisa is still with Sylvan. These things dont end. when they do, you'll know. the world will collapse from within; and then it'll start back up again and continue aimlessly to make the same mistake. Thats life. That's wizards chess. oops.
An old friend gets caught smoking weed. i get caught smelling like cigarettes. Missy gets pregnant and Mommy gets working on my birthday party.
this is the life, bo bo bo bo bo, this is the life, no no no no no. is this the life?
hysteria? kill me now. im actually having fun, but its kinda bittersweet. because im just gonna be miserable eventually. and then pick it back up and then fall again. thats life?
why is everything so complicated?
i swear im not in a depressed mood. im actually substantially great. seriously. lol. ttyl. i want a bagel!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
I go Back
Everytime i hear that song...
i go back.
I go back to a pew, preacher, and a choir
singing about god, brimestone and fire
and the smell of sunday chicken after church
i go back to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summer si shared with him
now "only the good die young" stops me in my tracks.
everytime i hear that song...i go back.
to the feel of fifty yard line, a blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine.
i go back.
to watching summer fade to fall
growing up to fast and i do recall
i go back.
to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summers i shared with him.
Recently was the three-year anniversary of my expulsion, right?
and this changed my entire life. it enabled me. it gave oppurtunities which i learned to take advantage of. and its helped turn me into who i am today. So i chalk that up to how i act, how i think, and i how i tend to throw reason out the window.
Which is maybe why so much just doesnt make sense to me. So...i say a few things. I mean, its not my business, but i mean c'mon. If your tired of being teased about it, and you want it, then fuckin go for it. thats what i would do. but shes not me. and i know that. so maybe i pushed to far and she got pissy with me. i can respect that. alright fine. that subject is appearently off-limits again. oh well.
but other things seem to be going well. i have new boyfriend who i really really like. His name is Jacob and he's pretty grand. I've talked about him before. We're kinda an odd couple...but i kinda like that.
i can completely be myself...and be a bitch to him...around him...and everything. He's got flaws, but you know, i can handle that. i like it that there are things about him that annoy me, but he makes up for it with how great he is. and i truly mean that. this is kinda new for me. i dont do the boyfriend thing, but for the first time, im not thinking about other boys or anything. i like that part, too.
I hit a car the other day. that was horrible. i was driving and then i freaked out, considering i had never driven that far and i havent even got my permit yet. So i turned quickly and went to fast, so i bumped into a cherry red pick up truck. honestly, what self-respecting white hillbilly drives a chick colored car....but whatever. Maybe it matches the lipstick he wears when he goes out with his "buddies from work" not my place to judge, man.
but i came home crying. i'm still in trouble for that. So let's add more fuel to the fire.
The reason why im an idiot: i never learn my lesson. in eighth grade, i got in trouble after bringing contraband material to school. So what do i do? i bring it to school again.
Only this time, i actually use it. I took Lindsey out for a drive and we had a cigarette, but we had to be back before detention. So we came back, reeking of nicotine. Honestly, i didnt even notice cause im kinda used to it. my mom smokes, too and the smell is just normal to me.
but anyways, of course we get caught. and we get asked if we were smoking. Realizing that if i denied it and they did a back search my life would be over, i owned up to it. then i went inside and got ride of the stuff before they could do a search which i was successful in thwarting THANK FUCKING GOD. but im looking at a two-day suspension.
and, you know, being grounded for the rest of my life when my mother finds out and decides that i am now three yrs old. I swear to god if i ddint have to tell her this, i would quit right now. which i prolly shoulda done a LONG time ago. but now i get to face more consequences. so long as i dont get expelled, i can handle it.
it was actually kinda humorous. and im hoping it will be when i tell my mom. and talk to the deans. though i expect my mom already knows because appearently mrs barnash and her were on the phone with each other during the game. wow.
also had a different new experience: oppurtunity with a boy that which i did not seize and i feel like the biggest idiot for. What the hell was i thinking? who was the one who stopped it before it got far...but whos the one who encourages the next level? exactly! so i wish i had done that.
and i kinda regret telling the truth to dean wheeler....deniability and all that. and i regret getting on krystals case because i recognize that it wasnt cool. when shes over it, we'll talk but shes been in a crappy mood with me and her friends lately anyways.
oh well.
but i got back into country which is something to smile about. because its like going back to a really simple time. When iw as in sixth/seventh grade and all the girls lived with us...they were rlly into that stuff so by default, i ended up falling in love with Kenny Chesney and goin to see Alan jackson and Toby Keith in concert. Candice even went to see Tim McGraw which i was rlly jealous of back then. but its like traveling back to a more innocent age. pre-bishop moore. pre-lee middle. pre-lots of shit thats gone down.
and i am lookin for a job. i think i go the publix one, but i dont want it if i can work at CVS. i also applied at walgreens but they asked dumb shit math questions which kicked my ass...i forgot my calculator. and why do u need to know amth anwyay when the fucking cash register does it all for you, man?
and i took the SAT. not as scary as it seems. not a big deal. it was actually kinda releiving and i cant wait to get my scores.
now im writing my portkey story again, which is again like going back. and i miss how i used to be, but i love who i am now. is that confusing or what?
until next time, maybe i'll have figured it out. cya.
i go back.
I go back to a pew, preacher, and a choir
singing about god, brimestone and fire
and the smell of sunday chicken after church
i go back to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summer si shared with him
now "only the good die young" stops me in my tracks.
everytime i hear that song...i go back.
to the feel of fifty yard line, a blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine.
i go back.
to watching summer fade to fall
growing up to fast and i do recall
i go back.
to the loss of a real good friend
and the sixteen summers i shared with him.
Recently was the three-year anniversary of my expulsion, right?
and this changed my entire life. it enabled me. it gave oppurtunities which i learned to take advantage of. and its helped turn me into who i am today. So i chalk that up to how i act, how i think, and i how i tend to throw reason out the window.
Which is maybe why so much just doesnt make sense to me. So...i say a few things. I mean, its not my business, but i mean c'mon. If your tired of being teased about it, and you want it, then fuckin go for it. thats what i would do. but shes not me. and i know that. so maybe i pushed to far and she got pissy with me. i can respect that. alright fine. that subject is appearently off-limits again. oh well.
but other things seem to be going well. i have new boyfriend who i really really like. His name is Jacob and he's pretty grand. I've talked about him before. We're kinda an odd couple...but i kinda like that.
i can completely be myself...and be a bitch to him...around him...and everything. He's got flaws, but you know, i can handle that. i like it that there are things about him that annoy me, but he makes up for it with how great he is. and i truly mean that. this is kinda new for me. i dont do the boyfriend thing, but for the first time, im not thinking about other boys or anything. i like that part, too.
I hit a car the other day. that was horrible. i was driving and then i freaked out, considering i had never driven that far and i havent even got my permit yet. So i turned quickly and went to fast, so i bumped into a cherry red pick up truck. honestly, what self-respecting white hillbilly drives a chick colored car....but whatever. Maybe it matches the lipstick he wears when he goes out with his "buddies from work" not my place to judge, man.
but i came home crying. i'm still in trouble for that. So let's add more fuel to the fire.
The reason why im an idiot: i never learn my lesson. in eighth grade, i got in trouble after bringing contraband material to school. So what do i do? i bring it to school again.
Only this time, i actually use it. I took Lindsey out for a drive and we had a cigarette, but we had to be back before detention. So we came back, reeking of nicotine. Honestly, i didnt even notice cause im kinda used to it. my mom smokes, too and the smell is just normal to me.
but anyways, of course we get caught. and we get asked if we were smoking. Realizing that if i denied it and they did a back search my life would be over, i owned up to it. then i went inside and got ride of the stuff before they could do a search which i was successful in thwarting THANK FUCKING GOD. but im looking at a two-day suspension.
and, you know, being grounded for the rest of my life when my mother finds out and decides that i am now three yrs old. I swear to god if i ddint have to tell her this, i would quit right now. which i prolly shoulda done a LONG time ago. but now i get to face more consequences. so long as i dont get expelled, i can handle it.
it was actually kinda humorous. and im hoping it will be when i tell my mom. and talk to the deans. though i expect my mom already knows because appearently mrs barnash and her were on the phone with each other during the game. wow.
also had a different new experience: oppurtunity with a boy that which i did not seize and i feel like the biggest idiot for. What the hell was i thinking? who was the one who stopped it before it got far...but whos the one who encourages the next level? exactly! so i wish i had done that.
and i kinda regret telling the truth to dean wheeler....deniability and all that. and i regret getting on krystals case because i recognize that it wasnt cool. when shes over it, we'll talk but shes been in a crappy mood with me and her friends lately anyways.
oh well.
but i got back into country which is something to smile about. because its like going back to a really simple time. When iw as in sixth/seventh grade and all the girls lived with us...they were rlly into that stuff so by default, i ended up falling in love with Kenny Chesney and goin to see Alan jackson and Toby Keith in concert. Candice even went to see Tim McGraw which i was rlly jealous of back then. but its like traveling back to a more innocent age. pre-bishop moore. pre-lee middle. pre-lots of shit thats gone down.
and i am lookin for a job. i think i go the publix one, but i dont want it if i can work at CVS. i also applied at walgreens but they asked dumb shit math questions which kicked my ass...i forgot my calculator. and why do u need to know amth anwyay when the fucking cash register does it all for you, man?
and i took the SAT. not as scary as it seems. not a big deal. it was actually kinda releiving and i cant wait to get my scores.
now im writing my portkey story again, which is again like going back. and i miss how i used to be, but i love who i am now. is that confusing or what?
until next time, maybe i'll have figured it out. cya.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
With a little help from my friends
there's a song by Simple Plan that taught me all about best friends.
i thought that i could always count on you
i thought that nothing could between us two
we said as long as we would stick together
wed be alright we'd be okay
but i was stupid
and u broke me down
i'll never be that way again
So thank you
for showing me
that best friends cannot be trusted
and thank you
for lying to me
your friendship, the good times we had
you can have them back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and that was my anthem for 8th grade. Because of everything that had happened.
Im a pretty trusting person. I mean, im willing to share secrets and stuff with people who i deem worthy and caring. But if i do that...then i need constant reassurance that that person isnt going to fuck me over....share my secrets with the world...ditch me when i need them....talk behind my back....go to administration, you know?
and i gues thats what im blaming on how shitty i treated Krystal last night and why today i cried all day like a three-year-old cause my friends dont love me and my mom yelled at me all day. I feel so pathetic. It seriously is the worst feeling--when u think the world hates you. and i know Krystal doesnt hate me...but sometimes i get to thinking all kinds of horrible things. and i hate that.
im sure shes sick of me too and i wouldnt be surprised if she wanted to stop being my friend. it would only prove my point.
god i hate today.
it just...it rlly makes me wanna kill myself.
i thought that i could always count on you
i thought that nothing could between us two
we said as long as we would stick together
wed be alright we'd be okay
but i was stupid
and u broke me down
i'll never be that way again
So thank you
for showing me
that best friends cannot be trusted
and thank you
for lying to me
your friendship, the good times we had
you can have them back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and that was my anthem for 8th grade. Because of everything that had happened.
Im a pretty trusting person. I mean, im willing to share secrets and stuff with people who i deem worthy and caring. But if i do that...then i need constant reassurance that that person isnt going to fuck me over....share my secrets with the world...ditch me when i need them....talk behind my back....go to administration, you know?
and i gues thats what im blaming on how shitty i treated Krystal last night and why today i cried all day like a three-year-old cause my friends dont love me and my mom yelled at me all day. I feel so pathetic. It seriously is the worst feeling--when u think the world hates you. and i know Krystal doesnt hate me...but sometimes i get to thinking all kinds of horrible things. and i hate that.
im sure shes sick of me too and i wouldnt be surprised if she wanted to stop being my friend. it would only prove my point.
god i hate today.
it just...it rlly makes me wanna kill myself.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
october 27 2007
tomorrow. oh god.
i just wasted ten minutes bitching at krystal. it didnt even start that way. i was fine. i was just telling her about Lucy and Joe. then we started talking about Jacob. and she said something that sorta sounded mean the way i read it. and then i guess i just went downhill from there.
because im so sad and angry after four fuckin years. And i blame that expulsion on everything. every fucking thing in my life went wrong after that.
and i keep thinking that my friends dont really like me. because thats what happened before. they sold me out and fuckin ruined my life. they made me this way.
oh god. if i hadnt gone to Lee Middle then i wouldnt have met Jake. If i'd never met Jake, i wouldnt have started that. I wouldnt have skipped with heather and Brittany. I wouldnt have dated and broke up with Ryan. i wouldnt have done any of the horrible stuff that happened from november-may.
But the it's Nick's fault too. If my mom never met him, then i never would;ve met Candice, and in turn met Shana. as much as i love that girl, i can accept that they're the ones who loaded me, and starting at Lee Middle simply set off the trigger.
and three/four years later, what do i have to show for it?
im still the same. never grew up. i never learned how! nobody ever showed me how to handle all of this bullshit.
im not even making sense to myself. can barely remember everything i just said to my best friend.
but i just feel like they hate me. like they all think im just an attention seeking slut. Like im self-inflicting all this stuff thats happening at home because im too scared to go through what i went through. It stems from what Lucy said...what Krystal said...what they havent said. what my mom says. the stuff i hear from other people. the stuff i should hear from other people.
it just feels like nobody has time for mariah and her problems anymore because its always the same problems and it gets old. Just because i've talked about it a few times, am i just supposed to stop being sad about it?
thats how it is in movies. but the ending is always happy.
and i cant fucking cry anymore. and i cant see any good ending for this at all. Every option sucks. and i would be able to get through this if i wasnt such a fuckin baby. but i need the constant reassurance from guys and from ym friends becaue im co-dependent. i know that! and everyone else knows that! so why isnt it happening? am i expecting so much. all i want is for someone who loves me to just hold me in their arms and say that everything will be alright.
nobody did that last time. i just wanna talk about it, but im having such a hard time thinking....its killing me. and in less than twenty minutes, the end of my life is repeated.
So many good things are happening now. EVERYONE is in a better mood except for me. and i would call lucy but shes sleeping. i would call jess but her parents would kill me. I would talk to Lindsey, but shes sleeping, too and she doesnt know like the others do. I cant talk to krystal because she wont talk to me when im like this.
so theres fucking nobody. and i'll remember this. i swear to god someday i'll write about this and maybe some stupid little girl will read it and do the right thing. i cant fucking do this anymore. i just...i need to calm down. chill out. do something. oh god. 14 minutes.
three years ago exactly, i was sleeping after a harsh monday at school. i had no clue. no fuckin clue about the math book or the rumors or what Kelci and Lucas and Biana and Alex and Zach were planning on doing. or maybe they had already done it. They had seemed fine after school when we hung out. not one of them cared. and no one fuckin cares now.
So i get over that only to come to this and have more problems. i cant fuckin do anything. i cant even talk to my best friend. fuck it. im just gonna stop typing. because i dont even know what im saying.
i just wasted ten minutes bitching at krystal. it didnt even start that way. i was fine. i was just telling her about Lucy and Joe. then we started talking about Jacob. and she said something that sorta sounded mean the way i read it. and then i guess i just went downhill from there.
because im so sad and angry after four fuckin years. And i blame that expulsion on everything. every fucking thing in my life went wrong after that.
and i keep thinking that my friends dont really like me. because thats what happened before. they sold me out and fuckin ruined my life. they made me this way.
oh god. if i hadnt gone to Lee Middle then i wouldnt have met Jake. If i'd never met Jake, i wouldnt have started that. I wouldnt have skipped with heather and Brittany. I wouldnt have dated and broke up with Ryan. i wouldnt have done any of the horrible stuff that happened from november-may.
But the it's Nick's fault too. If my mom never met him, then i never would;ve met Candice, and in turn met Shana. as much as i love that girl, i can accept that they're the ones who loaded me, and starting at Lee Middle simply set off the trigger.
and three/four years later, what do i have to show for it?
im still the same. never grew up. i never learned how! nobody ever showed me how to handle all of this bullshit.
im not even making sense to myself. can barely remember everything i just said to my best friend.
but i just feel like they hate me. like they all think im just an attention seeking slut. Like im self-inflicting all this stuff thats happening at home because im too scared to go through what i went through. It stems from what Lucy said...what Krystal said...what they havent said. what my mom says. the stuff i hear from other people. the stuff i should hear from other people.
it just feels like nobody has time for mariah and her problems anymore because its always the same problems and it gets old. Just because i've talked about it a few times, am i just supposed to stop being sad about it?
thats how it is in movies. but the ending is always happy.
and i cant fucking cry anymore. and i cant see any good ending for this at all. Every option sucks. and i would be able to get through this if i wasnt such a fuckin baby. but i need the constant reassurance from guys and from ym friends becaue im co-dependent. i know that! and everyone else knows that! so why isnt it happening? am i expecting so much. all i want is for someone who loves me to just hold me in their arms and say that everything will be alright.
nobody did that last time. i just wanna talk about it, but im having such a hard time thinking....its killing me. and in less than twenty minutes, the end of my life is repeated.
So many good things are happening now. EVERYONE is in a better mood except for me. and i would call lucy but shes sleeping. i would call jess but her parents would kill me. I would talk to Lindsey, but shes sleeping, too and she doesnt know like the others do. I cant talk to krystal because she wont talk to me when im like this.
so theres fucking nobody. and i'll remember this. i swear to god someday i'll write about this and maybe some stupid little girl will read it and do the right thing. i cant fucking do this anymore. i just...i need to calm down. chill out. do something. oh god. 14 minutes.
three years ago exactly, i was sleeping after a harsh monday at school. i had no clue. no fuckin clue about the math book or the rumors or what Kelci and Lucas and Biana and Alex and Zach were planning on doing. or maybe they had already done it. They had seemed fine after school when we hung out. not one of them cared. and no one fuckin cares now.
So i get over that only to come to this and have more problems. i cant fuckin do anything. i cant even talk to my best friend. fuck it. im just gonna stop typing. because i dont even know what im saying.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
BECAUSE
the sky is bluuueeeeeee
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Me-time fourday weekend has been groovy as hell. Of course, i truly have been enjoying myself almost completely. I saw my friends a lot on Friday.
Fuckin, i spend WAY too much time with Krystal then. lol. It was like...we didnt see each other in the morning cause i was late to school [tired whoops] but we were texting all morning. And then we get to second period, third hour on a fine friday morning so we can go to the UCF college meeting with JessiKem the great who had a free period. I believe Lucy was religion, but im not too sure. Yeah, actually she had to have been. and then we hung out before third. and then we saw each other before fourth. and on the way to fifth. and then we had sixth together. and then that was it for school day. then after school we spent the entire afternoon and evening together in her car. it was kinda insane. before we went to mary mags fall festival and spent even more time with each other. the she had to drive me home.
see? Friday was officially Krystal Day. haha.
Then Saturday was chill down day. and Sunday was fun with my mom and stuff. then monday comes: im prepared for more chill down and i know that krystal and mikael have movie plans. but i wasnt jealous so ha.
i still got invited. cause they ended up going to see Across the universe at citywalk, which brought everyone past curfew. oh well.
that was fun and now its tuesday which is "get bitched at by my mother" day. fun.
tomorrow is wednesday. practice which will suck. at least all of the classes will be shorter. but practice will still suck.
i am so having a bagel before school even if i have to wake up an hour early. so there!
My little C is good too. But shes having a romantic affair with none other than the boy i call Axel. Axel likes her...but he also likes me and he's told me that. I told him that i was planning on ignoring that so he and jessie could have a chance. He said that i shouldnt ignore it if i like him, too......errr.....huh?
anyways, Mikael had a small issue at the movie and im glad i was there. i felt horrible for doubting him earlier in this week so i had to comfort him not only to hepl but also for my own peace of mind. I think Krystal realized why iw as being so attentive. oh well. she has been in a spectacularly great mood lately and it rocked.
oh yeah and im creating a new product: "Pigs in a blanket". they're toe warmers for when im in krystals car and she wont let me stick my feet out of the window.
just to be a smartass, i think i will have little toe warmers with me and just pull em out to make her laugh. haha. im a genius.
Oh and i also am knda excited to give her the present i made for her.
You dont what it is? ha well too damn bad caue i dont know who reads this and i dont want anyone to tell her. im not even going to say why i made it becaue that would give away what it is.
but im having a good day. until nabout five minutes when ym mom said that tickets to HHN are 54 dollars. ha. we cant afford that.
and neither can anybody else in the group. shit!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Me-time fourday weekend has been groovy as hell. Of course, i truly have been enjoying myself almost completely. I saw my friends a lot on Friday.
Fuckin, i spend WAY too much time with Krystal then. lol. It was like...we didnt see each other in the morning cause i was late to school [tired whoops] but we were texting all morning. And then we get to second period, third hour on a fine friday morning so we can go to the UCF college meeting with JessiKem the great who had a free period. I believe Lucy was religion, but im not too sure. Yeah, actually she had to have been. and then we hung out before third. and then we saw each other before fourth. and on the way to fifth. and then we had sixth together. and then that was it for school day. then after school we spent the entire afternoon and evening together in her car. it was kinda insane. before we went to mary mags fall festival and spent even more time with each other. the she had to drive me home.
see? Friday was officially Krystal Day. haha.
Then Saturday was chill down day. and Sunday was fun with my mom and stuff. then monday comes: im prepared for more chill down and i know that krystal and mikael have movie plans. but i wasnt jealous so ha.
i still got invited. cause they ended up going to see Across the universe at citywalk, which brought everyone past curfew. oh well.
that was fun and now its tuesday which is "get bitched at by my mother" day. fun.
tomorrow is wednesday. practice which will suck. at least all of the classes will be shorter. but practice will still suck.
i am so having a bagel before school even if i have to wake up an hour early. so there!
My little C is good too. But shes having a romantic affair with none other than the boy i call Axel. Axel likes her...but he also likes me and he's told me that. I told him that i was planning on ignoring that so he and jessie could have a chance. He said that i shouldnt ignore it if i like him, too......errr.....huh?
anyways, Mikael had a small issue at the movie and im glad i was there. i felt horrible for doubting him earlier in this week so i had to comfort him not only to hepl but also for my own peace of mind. I think Krystal realized why iw as being so attentive. oh well. she has been in a spectacularly great mood lately and it rocked.
oh yeah and im creating a new product: "Pigs in a blanket". they're toe warmers for when im in krystals car and she wont let me stick my feet out of the window.
just to be a smartass, i think i will have little toe warmers with me and just pull em out to make her laugh. haha. im a genius.
Oh and i also am knda excited to give her the present i made for her.
You dont what it is? ha well too damn bad caue i dont know who reads this and i dont want anyone to tell her. im not even going to say why i made it becaue that would give away what it is.
but im having a good day. until nabout five minutes when ym mom said that tickets to HHN are 54 dollars. ha. we cant afford that.
and neither can anybody else in the group. shit!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Bubbly
yes im in a good mood, weird isnt it?
its probably in due part to feeling extremely smart.
in a fashion, i now COMPLETELY understand all of my chemistry. it was as simple as outlining chapter five and chapter six...answering the questions AND studying the stuff he gave us in class. Now i can do the homework! yes!
but i feel really weird. i mean, im a fuckin veteran at Saturday Schools. And usually, when i have one, i dont even bring my bag cause its just extra weight, and i spend the entire three hours just trying to sleep.
this time, i had a book and pens and paper and everything. and i only nodded off for a second. it was kinda....fun, dare i say? yes it twas but i deff dont want to do it again. im kinda over this getting into trouble thing.
i mean, yes it was funny and i still think its BA, but now its just getting old.
i mean...i'm full of detentions and saturday schools and now everyone expects it. that is SO annoying, but whatever.
im in such a good mood and i think the reason is because i was up and ready early, i got a lot of sleep, i have a feeling of accomplishment, and my mom hasnt been home all day.
granted, certain things still suck ass. For instance, i get home last night to find my parents laughing and watching television together. I'm letting them think that im okay with it, but i hate this. IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BOTHER ME! because im a kid.
but why is it that they treat me like an adult when i want to be a child, but im too young when i actually WANT the responsbility?
i have no clue if that made sense.
but whatever. i'll finish this later i dont feel like just sitting here. time to dance around and sing? yes good idea!
its probably in due part to feeling extremely smart.
in a fashion, i now COMPLETELY understand all of my chemistry. it was as simple as outlining chapter five and chapter six...answering the questions AND studying the stuff he gave us in class. Now i can do the homework! yes!
but i feel really weird. i mean, im a fuckin veteran at Saturday Schools. And usually, when i have one, i dont even bring my bag cause its just extra weight, and i spend the entire three hours just trying to sleep.
this time, i had a book and pens and paper and everything. and i only nodded off for a second. it was kinda....fun, dare i say? yes it twas but i deff dont want to do it again. im kinda over this getting into trouble thing.
i mean, yes it was funny and i still think its BA, but now its just getting old.
i mean...i'm full of detentions and saturday schools and now everyone expects it. that is SO annoying, but whatever.
im in such a good mood and i think the reason is because i was up and ready early, i got a lot of sleep, i have a feeling of accomplishment, and my mom hasnt been home all day.
granted, certain things still suck ass. For instance, i get home last night to find my parents laughing and watching television together. I'm letting them think that im okay with it, but i hate this. IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BOTHER ME! because im a kid.
but why is it that they treat me like an adult when i want to be a child, but im too young when i actually WANT the responsbility?
i have no clue if that made sense.
but whatever. i'll finish this later i dont feel like just sitting here. time to dance around and sing? yes good idea!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Let's See How Far We've Come
i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we're gunna find out
I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gunna pretend
let's see how far we've come
I've grown up
i can tell you that.
how do you know?
i had a great day.
the irony? i didnt see krystal once and i only texted her a few times towards the middle and end of the ay. then i got on the phone with her after, but i was pretty good for the most part. im proud of myself.
see? im growing up? see how far i've come?
oh well i guess we're gunna find out
I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gunna pretend
let's see how far we've come
I've grown up
i can tell you that.
how do you know?
i had a great day.
the irony? i didnt see krystal once and i only texted her a few times towards the middle and end of the ay. then i got on the phone with her after, but i was pretty good for the most part. im proud of myself.
see? im growing up? see how far i've come?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)