Bubbly

yes im in a good mood, weird isnt it?

its probably in due part to feeling extremely smart.

in a fashion, i now COMPLETELY understand all of my chemistry. it was as simple as outlining chapter five and chapter six...answering the questions AND studying the stuff he gave us in class. Now i can do the homework! yes!

but i feel really weird. i mean, im a fuckin veteran at Saturday Schools. And usually, when i have one, i dont even bring my bag cause its just extra weight, and i spend the entire three hours just trying to sleep.

this time, i had a book and pens and paper and everything. and i only nodded off for a second. it was kinda....fun, dare i say? yes it twas but i deff dont want to do it again. im kinda over this getting into trouble thing.

i mean, yes it was funny and i still think its BA, but now its just getting old.
i mean...i'm full of detentions and saturday schools and now everyone expects it. that is SO annoying, but whatever.

im in such a good mood and i think the reason is because i was up and ready early, i got a lot of sleep, i have a feeling of accomplishment, and my mom hasnt been home all day.

granted, certain things still suck ass. For instance, i get home last night to find my parents laughing and watching television together. I'm letting them think that im okay with it, but i hate this. IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BOTHER ME! because im a kid.

but why is it that they treat me like an adult when i want to be a child, but im too young when i actually WANT the responsbility?

i have no clue if that made sense.
but whatever. i'll finish this later i dont feel like just sitting here. time to dance around and sing? yes good idea!

Let's See How Far We've Come

i believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well i guess we're gunna find out

I believe it all is coming to an end
oh well i guess we're gunna pretend

let's see how far we've come

I've grown up

i can tell you that.

how do you know?

i had a great day.
the irony? i didnt see krystal once and i only texted her a few times towards the middle and end of the ay. then i got on the phone with her after, but i was pretty good for the most part. im proud of myself.

see? im growing up? see how far i've come?

good day, good sir

i wilt not bother with the tiresome bore of everyday life of the current degree. i care not to type about homecoming...how horrible it was for me...or how grand it was for certain others.

im not going to expose the long overdriven secret and i surely will never spill my true heart out over the internet. this is my blog for fun and recreation because i love to write.

but the thing is...

i dont anymore. i just dont want to write. i dont get it.

during my insecure days, the eighth grade adolescent "he loves me not so i must be naught"mindset threw me off horribly, but i lasted because as pukingly heinous as this sounds...when i wrote stories with female leads...they were always gorgeous, smart, perfect chicks whom people admired. i'd yet to create a fictional flawed character which i was perfectly okay with.

but now i know im flawed, obviously, however i dont write [technically type] a damn word. like..life has come to consist of school, friends, boys, colorguard, chores, sleep, and plans. There's no more room for alone writing time for the next "great American musical" or the "Novel to rule the world". i dont even have time to watch highschool musical 2.

where has all my time gone? it's not like i do that much...i rlly dont. i hate busybodies...am i becoming one? of course not. if anyone could sustain the pressure of strict organizationa dn obedience to overcontrolling authority...wouldnt it be mariah?

authority. which brings me to woe # 2.

Lucy is guard captain. colorguard is an athletic sport in band where you spin a flag which can be exceedingly difficult at times [you try couting, staung in step, doing the work, and smiling at the same damn time].

excuse...Lucy was guard captain. she gave it up because guard has an authority/attitude problem. I can agree with that. Krystal has a subconscience attitude, Lisa's is openly bitchy, and i cant describe mine but i have one often. Lucy couldnt handle it, which is not a sign of weakness because i dont know too many people who are willing to put aside friendship for guard and step up to regime leader.

Krystal can. and Krystal will if she gets captain next year. Lisa can, but Lisa wont. and she wouldnt make a very good captain, sadly, though i love the girl to death. And of course im biased when it comes to Krystal cause shes my bestets friend, but thats the problem.

How could i have my best friend as my cpatain telling me to pay attention in line and get in attention and stop fooling around when she's the chick i fool around with the most? it would suck. i swear that i will quit before i let dumbass leadership in band get between the rlly great friendship we have.

I am completely and 100% against Leadership.
I believe that it is the wrong message: some students are better than you and have more authority so listen to them and if they're wrong..too bad and its a shame u didnt get the position, eh?

the band is already split by sections that are like sibling rivalries. Woodwinds, brass, low brass, drumline, front ensemble, colorguard [i think thats it] and its also split by years and seniority...freshmen, sophomores, juniors, seniors...kis who have been in band all 4 years...kids who havent...so lets fuck it up more by creating tension, drama and circulating contempt throughout the internal members of the band. isnt unity important? shouldnt it be as simple as "Richard says so..." and every single person is their own authoriy.

that would work even in a perfect world because people [myself included] are lazy. we dont want to work hard if no one is forcing us. but is leadership necessary? its not like they set an amazing example. everyone just does what they want anyways. and everyone ultimately just does what Barker, mom and the principle want so what does it matter? i'll tell you what...it doesnt matter at all.

if u do your shit and know your shit then fuck it if ur "captain" gave u the authority to talk. half of the time...the captains are the problem. the ectins wouldnt be so rebellious to their superiors if they didnt have superiors other than the true authority which is admin.

so itsa stupid. and pointless, yet the sole of my demise recently.


and then there is woe # 3

my family is driving me crazy. and if i ever get my ass in gear and write something worthwhile...it'll be about this. because thats the way to sell your soul: write a book about the truth and advert as fiction. throw in a magic pumpkin and a fairy godmother and BAM you're good to go. best seller with a heart of stone and nights filled with attempts at erasing the memories which made it all possible.

So im going to name my little girl "Karma" so that when people say "Karma's a bitch" i can be like "yeah i know, thank you sir".

it's about life

So now i have a secret which i fear to announce online considering that ppl i actually know read this sometimes. But...it's pretty big. The only two ppl in the real world who know it are Lucy and jessie.

Now you may ask why my best friend hasnt been informed?

1) it concerns her. she would freak out. no im not even kidding.
2)Jessie and Lucy said it would be bettr if she didnt know and i worked on myself for awhile
3) I'm scared to lose her because its clear to me that for some reason my life would be absolute crap without her....scary thought when you're unhealthily attatched to one person.

But the point it..she doesnt know and she knows that im not telling her.

The other thing:
i bought krystal a dress
because i was convinced that that is what best friends do.
However, she then told me not to buy it the next day for her
[after i already did]
so i told my mom to return it.
[she didnt, but is going to tomorrow]
but i never told Krystal
because i felt like an idiot.

Mariah took it seriously and went and bought a dress. wtf? i just dont like how it sounds.
But she was in one changing room while me n jessiKem were in the other and Krystal was on the phone with her mom talking about the dress and i told jessie how i had bought one for more than the price there was at the store we were at. did that make sense? yes i think so.

anyways, so then she realized that i wasnt telling her something.
and thats what prompted me to re-inform jessie about my secret
which i had already told her about when she spent the night at my house
and we were high as hell with crab rangoon in the sky.
I also told Lucy who laughed and told me she loved me no mattr what.
it was comforting because i know what krystals reaction would be....

it wouldnt be pretty and im scared for that.

damnit my mom is a bitch. i've ee sleeping since i got home at 5:30 and she's been fuckin bothering me every fuckin half hour to either wake up or come downstairs for food. im not fuckin hungry god dammit. so the i ake the comp upstairs so i can blog before i pass out...and she fucking just waltzs right in my room without even fuckin knocking. what a god damn bitch. if it werent for my friends, seriously i would have killed her a long time ago.

gtg. the bitch is bitching. surprise.

Jai Guru Deva

Pools of Sorrow
Waves of Joy

Jai Guru De Va

Adjective for September 30th, 2007: Unsatisfactory.

yesterday, i saw Across The Universe. it was amazing. but i knew it would be. not a shockr.

And JessiKem got to spend the night and she told me the secret. haha. she is my little criminal and i love her.

but thats no the point.
She left me the donuts this morning. yummm. those r all gone now. and they were delicious.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
LOVE
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

thats what is waving through my speakers
and its actually putting me into a slighty more decent mood.

LOVE

so i woke up...lat-ish today. and Jessie had already left. i dont rlly remember he leaving, but i think i dreamt that someone kissed my cheek and said "bye bye rie rie" so that prolly wasnt a dream.

i can never fuckin remember shit in the mornings.

but...uhm...where was i? my mood is escalating huzzah!

but...uhm...then i had chores to do. not cool.

Krystal was supposed to come over considering she hasnt come over ot my house and spent time with her precious best friend since the Busch Trip before school started. UNCOOL.

but i called and told her not to because i was fighitng with my mom and i'd gotten myself depressed with overthinking the good things in life.

Mind you, i'm still ready to murder the women who unfortunately brought me into this heinus world, but at least my emotions are improving. and my myspace looks pretty good.

Didn't know i had one of those dija?

well heres the link in case u dont have it, which i cannot imagine how that would happen but whateve

http://www.myspace.com/themariah

yes it's very creative. haha toodles.

Jai Guru De Va

though u swear

the definition of a bad day: TODAY

i seem to have a lot of those. i will break it down for you. keep up cause im not in the mood to go slow and try to be wittily creative about any of the shit that has gone down.

Alright. We start early this morning....6:30ish. lucy calls, as usual. i answer, she tells me to wake up cause shell be here in thirty. i say okay then i hang up.

I fall back asleep.
i wake up about five minutes til pick up...and i leave her a message which i cannot remember what the hell it said cause i never remember anything in the mornings; something about dont bother picking me up cause i wanst awake and i didnt want to be.

So i tried to go back to sleep. usually this works since my mom doesnt have a job and doesnt wake up til 9ish therefore doesnt realize im not gone. pretty swell. but she was up...and so was my stepdad. so i got about 30-45 minutes of extra sleep.

i get to school and enter third period tardy [at least it was excused] only to sit down [ready for naptime] and hear our flamboyant teacher start bitching about how nobody seems to care about his subject.


...its religion. what does he expect? it doesnt count towards college unless ur going to a religiously affiliated university...and barely anybody is even considering that shit.
So that was bad. uh...seventh period was okay. eighth period we had mr. Gordon as our substitute and he loves me so i got to go to guidance and sign up for my college visits and my first SAT test that actually counts. Makes me kinda nervous. November 3rd....i take the first test towards my future. fuckall!

then chemistry came. i did not understand a damn word in that class. seriously. not a single word. something about 02 plus S8 equals SO2 and thompson and dalton and mulliken or whatever the names are. fifth period comes...i cannot even remember...oh wait yes i can. we were in the language lab which is...odd for american history to be in the spanish/french/latin comp room but whateve. We're doing a project and my partner slightly annoys me. We're doing Lafeyette. or however the fuck u spell it.

and then sixth period.
obviously i didnt hang out with Krystal.
cause she has band.
which i cannot [still] accept.
and it pisses me the fuckall.
but i went to the lab.

and put myself into a better mood by reading the transcript of Eddie Izzard's dress to kill. haha. it was hilarious...but its why i wasnt blogging.

Then Mrs. Bonanno...my ex-bio teacher whos class i failed and who had a certain...interest in me due to attitude and class performance last year decided to scan ym computer which means that she checked which site i was on.

So she started fucking with me.

"whatcha looking at, mariah?"

"its for my history project?"

"oh rlly?"

"yes. i can show you"

"go one then"

so i show her the joke that Eddie makes about General Lafeyette and George Washington. She isnt impressed.

"Do you think thats a site you should be on?"

"Well its for ym project"

"But do u think its appropriate"

"i guess not"

"dont have an attitude. can i not have a conversation with you without you having attitude?"

"sorry" [im not rlly. i still have an attitude]

"so...this isnt appropriate so..."

"im going to log off right now and not return to it when im at school"

"good"

"yeah. bye"

the funny thing is that i had my phone open next to me and she didnt even notice, but she noticed a harmless yet hilarious comedians transcript site i was on.

come on!

so that went bad.

Then comes math. The other class i cannot stand because i feel so stupid. i dont understand simple things. i need an energy drink...which i had already had about 5.

but i was falling asleep. she kept having to wake me up.

So then add in Law Studies...which involved work therefore i could not sleep.

An hour before practice. i discover that Lucy is mad at me because Joe tells me that "she doesnt like u messing with our relationship"

are u kidding me? if it werent for me...he wouldnt have confronted her and thye would still be unsure of whether they were breaking up or not right now. i fuckin helped. i always fuckin do. i do better with other peoples relationships than mine.

and then it just went downhill. i had a bad practice and i dont feel like typing anymore. i'll so some more blogging later or tomorrow or something. im goin to bed.

amped

i just threw away my energy drink.
i had to...so i could get into the library.

but i wouldnt have had to if i could stay in the band room with krystal and just eat lunch there.

now im pissed. u have no idea....im shaking.

She told me to quit being a bitch about it.

"mariah stop being such a bitch about this"

....are u kidding me? of course i would be pissed...who wouldnt? everyone else seems to get it but her. i hate how shes the only person who never seems to know..even though shes my "best friend" off playin her fricken baritone instead of at least pretending like she gives a s rats ass about me.

The dream couple is getting better. Bu they've sworn not to involve anyone...i think its because Lucy got jealous because Joe would talk to me about how he was feeling and i would convince him to talk to her and then i would convey everything he said to me to her and visaversa. you know what i mean? its just an idea.

And poor Jessie. shes the one im mostly worried about. She's cut off from all of us. Her homeroom is in main, the only class she has with any of us is Chem which she shares with Krystal and Lucy, but not me. I feel like i seriously never see her which doesnt help that shes grounded until Oct 8th. What worse--Lucy has made Jessie second, maybe even third, in her life since she has Joe. Exactly what happened to Jessie is what i dont want to happen to me while Krystal dates the stupid selfish and inconsiderate bob. i cannot stand him worth anything at all. seriously.

Today...Lucy called at 6:40 to wake me up "be there in thirty"

damn. i stayed in bet til 6:55. then jumped in the shower, threw clothes on and made my way outside. and as soon as i got outside....Lucy was pulling up before i could even get it out of my backbag to hit. so maybe thats part of my problem...i feel so shaky because i havent gone without it in the mornings since before my mom left last February. Point is...i was tired as hell.

So i get to school....its not that bad of a start. it becomes funny when i walk in...throw my stuff and then fall and go back to sleep. someone mutters "double-shot expresso" and i shoot up like a catepult. "HECK YES I WANT SOME COFFEE!!" so i survive on coffee until...chemistry.

oh no. the chem re-take. the reason why im so tired. i was up ALL night trying to learn a months worth of material before sunrise. I had Kat and Krystal [trig honors students and smart chem kids] online typing me step by step instructions on figuring all these weird conversions out on the sample test. they helped SO much. but i was up all night perfecting my Scientific notation, significant figures, temperatures, density, and mass, distance, volume, conversion stuff.

CHem class come...im stressing like crazy---and i NEVER stress. it was weird...i pullled a Krystal...where i completely spaz about a test and end up second-guessing myself to a low grade. not good.

However there is a plus side.
He gave us the answer key so we could see what we did right and wrong. i got the majority of them right, but the problem was that i didnt finish the last nine. So i quickly completed them and only got a minues five.

Even better? hes putting the test and the key online and giving us the oppurtunity to show our work and fix our mistakes. then he's going to average the 2 grades together for a test grade.

Theres no way to fail that...THE ANSWERS ARE ON THE DAMN COMPUTER AND THE TEST IS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU not even I can fail that...and i've never passed a take-home test. sad. pathetic. oh well.

so that chem test is in the bag...thank god.
but then go to history...where my day turns sour. last period...i walk in to class to discover that a group i participated in recieved a D for our group project. i was like WHAT a D??! ar eu kidding me?

the teacher kinds likes me...he thinks im funny and he knows that i know my history like harry potter books. So i go and explain to him. i think i did a pretty good job.

i said "Sir, the requirements for the project were that it had to be original, entertaining, factual, organized, and everyone had to participate. We got four out of 5 because we can deduce that it wasnt that factual, but thats not the point. The point is that 4/5 does not deserve a D because we worked hard on it and it was one of the better presentations. YOU even laughed and enjoyed it. So it deserves at least a C if not a B"

It worked damn well. He took a class vote and reconsidered explaining that it wasnt like he meant to give us a D...he just used a rubric and didnt even think about what he was grading. thats rlly conforting. but...that means that grade isnt that bad.

Then we took our history test.
damn.
i failed.
its the same as if i took a test on the insignificant facts in the sixth HP book.
I know most of them, and i know the general common knowledge, but i cant get u specifics and stuff without brushing up on my info.

So i failed. damn. and my essays? complete bull. I confused The battle of Princeton with the battle of Treton ....which i think is the one with Forst Ticonderoga on xmas eve after corssing the deleware, but i know i was wrong when i said Princeton was the battle where the british won but the americans suffered less severe losses....because that was bunker hill which i realized after is was too late. damn.

Then i got clalled down to the dean's office. not good. got a saturday school for skipping 2 detentions. SHIT. and some dumb teacher freakin lied to Dean Higgans because i know i was nowehre near the cafe yesterday....i wa sin the band room the entire time so wtf.

and now im at sixth where im in the shitty library illegally on a blog site which i still dont know if they're allowed...my best friend is in band probably having a fan-fucing-tastic time and im completely looking forward to the arrival of two boys who i canr stand but at least they are someone to talk to. one of them actually ust walked in. god this sucks. i have been reduced to this?

oh how the mighty have fallen.
but appearently im a bitch for being subjecting to this and hating every fuckin second. this blows.